Hey everyone, First post here at guitar noise. I've been lurking and reading a lot here and finally have decided to post something myself.
I wrote this song one morning bright and early on the spot. I couldn't find any rules regarding posting here in the songwriting forums.
your wilted limbs trouble me,
bruised arms and purple fingers
has this gone too far
it's time for a change
i watch your mother crying
as she looks at your swollen eyes
reminded of the beauty inside
it's all already changed
how did this happen?
i just didn't expect
why are you doing this,
she's miss perfect
just take a few bites,
i don't want to say goodbye
i would applaud your dedication
if it were not so sick
It needs some work, definitely some more length but the muse ran dry when I was writing that, lol. I would appreciate any constructive critiques and comments. Thanks
My impression is that you
start by talking to a woman that got beaten . . . (I assume by her husband or boyfriend?)
But then in the chorus you are talking to the person doing the beating? . . . and that is confusing.
"Just take a few bites" ? I don't know what that means . . . a reference to "just bite the bullet"
if so . . . that doesn't sound like something you would say to someone in that situation.
And the line "She's Miss Perfect" seems to be a couple of syllables short when I read it . . .
unless you already have a tune in mind.
Keep going . . . I'm interested in where you go with it.
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
I don't know, Ken, it sounds almost like it might be about a drug addiction to me ("Why are you doing this?" would flow better then). Overall, I think it has potential.
Ewan McGregor: I said, "Eve, I want you to look after my wedding ring while I'm away," and she started to cry and I said, "Eve. Eve, I can't wear my ring or I won't get laid on the trip!"