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Mortar Jungle -- first song / help wanted :-)

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(@strangedata)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

Hello Everyone.

I've been reading the posts here and at the Sunday Songwriters Group for a few months now, and I finally got the guts to write something.

As a youngling, I used to write all the time (regular writing, not lyrics), but after a few years without practicing I got pretty rusty and unimaginative.

Anyway, here's my first shot in writing lyrics. Would you please help me identify the clichés and shape it so that eventually I'll be able to add a melody to it?

Here it goes:
A - verse
For too long I've been cast away,
A prisoner inside my mind.
But everything will change today,
I refuse to keep being blind.

B - chorus
I'm a lion, and this city is my jungle.
I'm a lion! These buildings will listen to my roar.

A - verse
I'm tired of being told what to do.
I won't be bossed, controled or lied to.
Now it's time for this lion to reign,
To finally get rid of this chain.

B - chorus
I'm a lion, and this city is my jungle.
I'm a lion! These buildings will listen to my roar.

C - bridge
While most pass by indifferent,
Some urge for bringing some change.
I'll have my revolution.

B - chorus
I'm a lion, and this city is my jungle.
I'm a lion! These buildings will listen to my roar.

Cheers!


   
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(@fisheromen1031)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 6
 

A couple of quick comments:

You might try to keep the same rhyme scheme for the verses.
Also try reading what you've written out loud or having someone read it to you. This will help you hear how the rhythm of your lines sound.

-Fisher


   
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(@citizennoir)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1247
 

Hey SD :)

Well, I'll start out by saying that all of us (lyrical songwriters) have been right where you are now.
Writing is just like anything else in that it takes lots of patience, practice, trial & error and a ton of frustration
before you start getting kinda good at it :wink:

The problem is to find a fresh way of saying something that's already been said.... and said, and said, and said again!

Okay - So.... yes, you did change the rhyming scheme from AB/AB in verse one, to AA/BB in verse two.
Those kinda things don't really bother me much tho.
I mean, it could work well in the song that way.

Lets have a look at some things:

"For too long I've been cast away,
A prisoner inside my mind.
But everything will change today,
I refuse to keep being blind."

The last line; it just doesn't seem to be good English to me.
Not that I practice good English myself, mind you.... it just doesn't seem 'right' to me.

One of the things I personally try to avoid, is using the word 'BUT' in my writing.
It's sort of a cop-out to me, and if you remove it, the line will usually sound much better....
sometimes tho, you might have to add another (or more) word(s) to the line after removing the 'but', or rearrange it altogether.

Speaking of the 'But' line - If you take that out, you're left with: Everything will change today.
"Everything".... what exactly does that entail?
That's a bit too general.
We're trying to tell a story here, so some detail would be nice; plus, it adds something more 'personal' to the story....
I mean, you want to be unique, right?
* Still, if it's going to be a 'Pop' song, or you want it to be a 'hit', most will tell you that it has to remain general enough for a mass majority of listeners to identify with the song - (or, be personal.... it worked for Van Morrison! 8) )

'Been' cast away' doesn't exactly work for me either.... that suggests that you are IN FACT, A cast away.
If you change that to 'felt' (which is what you were 'feeling' probably), I think it would work a bit better.

So:
Ive felt cast away now, for far too long *(although I would prefer 'far too long' to be more specific as well)
Held captive deep within my mind *(at first, I thought: 'A prisoner of my own device' - and that really IS cliche'! :P )
It's time to take these dark glasses off *(Sorry, I've never been a fan of the whole verse rhyme - unless it's a chorus)
and retreat into the deep sublime *(come to think of it, I've never been a fan of Rhymes! :twisted: )
*(okay, 'retreat' may sound counter to the whole 'Hear me roar' idea of the song, can't think of anything at the moment -
You get the idea tho)

So, what's been done here:
1) I split the first line in half and spun it around.
2) Got a little more poetic on the second line
3) Moved the 4th line to the 3rd line, using the idea of 'no longer being blinded'
4) Ended with the idea of 'Change' from the 3rd line. It originally left the question of 'Everything will change' -
What's 'everything', and HOW will it change? If you find yourself with these questions after a rough draft, try and answer them.
Don't tell me that 'everything will change' - 'Show' me HOW it will change.

As for the chorus:
"I'm a lion, and this city is my jungle.
I'm a lion! These buildings will listen to my roar"

I think the key is to say: I'm a lion and this city is my jungle - without coming right out and saying exactly that.
That is to say, It seems a bit too obvious that way.

"These buildings will listen to my roar" - I guess the question is; Why?
I mean, buildings can't hear, so.... Why is that important?
Again, try to be a bit more specific.... something like:
'From Wall Street to Washington D.C., windows rattle as my roar follows me'
Okay, not the greatest line in the world.... see the difference tho?
You can 'visualize' the Wall St. line more than 'These buildings will listen to my roar'
And that's what we're after :)

Okay - One more bit of advice....
"To finally get rid of this chain"
I'm not a big fan of adverbs (ie. finally).
To me, adjectives work much better.
Adverbs seem soooo.... um, redundant.... Kinda, sorta? (not exactly, but almost :wink: )
I guess what I'm trying to say is that adverbs are usually (unless they help the tempo) unnecessary....
Again, they are a bit too obvious.
You don't want to tell your reader/listener 'finally'; if you've told the story correctly,
they should end up with the feeling of finally breaking free.
Remember, you're trying to create an emotional response in people.... not tell them how to feel.

So, we drop the adverb and add an adjective (adjectives are much more descriptive) to the line:
To get rid of this (heavy, thick, iron, cold, rusty, blue, add favorite adjective here) chain.
Or you could say: To break free from my master's chain - or something to that end.

See how that line evolved?
If you write a rough draft, and then go back and 'edit' or 'modify' the lines, it will probably work much
better than trying to write in the 'finished' version right from the start.
As time goes on, and you write more and more, the 'rules' that you pick up will eventually become second nature
and you will someday find yourself writing in a more finished version right from the get go....
All it takes is time and dedication.

Okay,
well, hope I didn't frighten you.... too much :twisted:
And, these are just my opinions on writing.... hopefully others will chime in with their perspectives to give you a much broader spectrum of possibilities :D

Good luck,

Ken

"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway

"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles


   
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(@strangedata)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

Hey Fisher and Ken,

Thanks for answering!!

Fisher, good tip... it really doesn't have a good rhythm going :( I will have to rearrange it somehow. After reading it aloud a few times it felt choppy.

Now Ken: WOW!! I loved your comment! I totally see what you mean about making the experience of listening more personal. After reading your post I realized that these lyrics simply don't get the listener anywhere... I mean they don't paint a picture or image that the listener can connect to. I'll read your post a few more times, slowly, so that I can digest it all and see if I can make it more personal and less obvious.

Thanks a lot!
Cheers.

EDIT: make the LYRICS "more personal and less obvious" of course :-) I was reading the comments again and realized that the last line was a bit confusing.


   
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(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 166
 

Hey Ken

wow! that was some great critiquing, love what you had to say. :D


   
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(@citizennoir)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1247
 

Hey there SD,
good ta see ya :D

I feared I might have scared you away :(
Glad you got something from my post.

Since your response was so favorable, how 'bout we move into the 'deeper' aspects of writing....?
I'm not sure what you think of my writing style, though I'm willing to let you in on one of my great secrets :wink:

Okay - so far we've established that basically, we're telling a story.
We want it to be vivid & personal.... though still remain objective (that's how we get away with being personal, yet
still appealing to the masses).
That is: in the end, we don't want to have told the listener/reader what to think, how to feel, or what conclusion to draw from it all.
We want to respect our listener and their intelligence and avoid treating them like children.
We can paint them the picture.... yet, we have to let them interpret what they are actually seeing.

I also hinted at some basics of the mechanics - less adverbs, MORE adjectives.
Once the noun has been established, 'riff' off of it in that line.
Example: 'To finally get rid of this chain'
The adverb sorta steals the line.... it's very climactic: TO FINALLY get rid of this chain - that's how it reads to me.
Pretty much falls off after 'finally'.
The established noun is 'chain'.... so;
We work the line around that - 'To break free from my masters chain'
And that example seems to work up to the noun.

Okay - now the key to my writing style.... the uber-secret revealed!

Most people here are of the assumption that I don't use rhyme.
That's not entirely true.
I just use a more advanced form of rhyming.
As you could probably tell, I'm not a fan of 'the obvious'.... and early on in my writing, 'normal' 'hard rhymes' seemed
to me to be the reason that I disliked everything that I wrote :evil:
So, I slowly cultivated a way around them :twisted:

And the methods that I employ to do that are:
Alliteration, consonance, and assonance.
And also something that I call 'bookending'.

Take the above line: To break free from my masters chain

'break free' - the 're' in both words is a similar sound.
'free from' - 'fr' starts both words.
'from my' - they have the 'm' in common: one ending in M, flowing into the other starting with M.
'my masters' - both start with 'M'
To/chain - bookended with the same 'sound' 'ta-cha'.

These things give it a cadence and a flow, though are not 'in your face' about it.
One gets the sense that something subliminal is happening with writing using these methods.

'From Wall Street to Washington DC, windows rattle as my roar follows me'
Okay, still not the greatest line in the world....
'wall, washington, windows' - real alliteration.
The hard 't' in the words - street, to, & washington, which connect in the second part with the word 'rattle'.
The same sound with - StEEt and 'C' in 'DC'.... rhyming in the end with 'me'
The 'll' in Wall & Follows.
The 'R' in Rattle & Roar.
The 'O' in the words: from, to, windows, roar, & follows.

All those things almost seem to weaken the actual hard 'verse' style rhyme of 'DC & me'

'I've felt cast away now, for far too long
Held captive deep within my mind
it's time to take these dark glasses off
and retreat into the deep sublime'

Okay, really no hard verse style rhymes going on there.... still, it has a flow to it.
The words 'mind/sublime' work as 'the' rhyme for me, though don't seem to be 'forced'.
Why?
Because the whole rest of the verse also uses that same 'hidden rhyme pattern'.... so it 'fits' in with
the rest of the verse and doesn't come off as a 'shock', trying to force two words together that don't actually rhyme
out of nowhere.

Just a quick run thru on some of the more 'obvious' uses in this verse:
'I've/felt/for/far' - all have the same sound; even the 'V'.
They fall in with 'captive' and 'off' in later lines.
'it's/time/to/take/ [& even] these' - MAJOR alliteration in that line.
Falling in with 'retreat/into/the' in the last line.
All the 'I's.
'These/Glasses - the e/s combination.
'Retreat/deep'
A bunch more, I'm sure - that by the time you get to the 'sublime' at the end, you've 'heard' so many 'sneaky'
rhymes, that you aren't waiting to hear a hard rhyme to connect it all.... and for some inexplicable, subliminal reason,
you accept the 'mind/sublime' connection.
(Did you see that 'sublime actually rhymed with 'time' in the third line, and not 'mind'?) :twisted:

And that's my big secret :roll:

Okay - hope I didn't fry as many of your brain cells as I did my own in trying to explain all that! :P

Good luck, and looking forward to what you come up with :D

Ken

"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway

"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles


   
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(@citizennoir)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1247
 

Hey MMA! :D

Great to see you back!
(I know Vic has brought you up on more than a few occassions :)
I think he's missed you :wink: )

Thankx for the kind words 8)

Looking forward to seeing more from you,

Ken

"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway

"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

'These/Glasses - the e/s combination.
'Retreat/deep'
A bunch more, I'm sure - that by the time you get to the 'sublime' at the end, you've 'heard' so many 'sneaky'
rhymes, that you aren't waiting to hear a hard rhyme to connect it all.... and for some inexplicable, subliminal reason,
you accept the 'mind/sublime' connection.
(Did you see that 'sublime actually rhymed with 'time' in the third line, and not 'mind'?) :twisted:

Excellent, excellent post, Ken.
A lot of useful hints, tips, and tricks, from years of lyric writing experience, very well explained in that post.
Beautifully explained.

The only thing I would disagree with is not your explanation . . . but the direction in which the lyrics go.

'I've felt cast away now, for far too long
Held captive deep within my mind
it's time to take these dark glasses off
and retreat into the deep sublime'

I don't understand why . . . someone who is finally "going to take their dark glasses off" (as if to reveal themselves)
. . . only to retreat.
That seems kind of a let down . . . like Superman unclothing (to save the day) and then running away.
My reaction was . . . WHOA! . . . where are you going?

What I was expecting was for the person "held captive within my mind" when they realized "it's time to take these dark glasses off" was not to "retreat into the deep sublime"
but rather,
step into the stark sunshine.

But that's just my expectations of the message of the lyrics . . .
nothing to do with what you were addressing so eloquently . . . the method of delivery.

KR2

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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(@citizennoir)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1247
 

Hey KR!!!! :D

Thankx for sifting thru all my ramblings!

Hopefully there's something of use there for ya.

Yes, I couldn't agree more.... the 'retreating' didn't fit at all well with the way that the song was going.
I got 'sublime' in my head, and had to go with it! LOL!

I guess what I was trying to convey was a sense of moving from the harshness of reality, to the rose-colored world of
the sublime - sublime in an artistic sense.
Still; it did seem contrary to the song's overall vision (like you say).

It was more-or-less an example though; one that I hastily threw together.
I noticed much later that I used the word 'deep' twice! :roll: LOL!
Oh well :wink:

Take care,
and 'Write On'!

Ken

"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway

"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles


   
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(@strangedata)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

Hello Everyone,

Thanks for chiming in and a big thank you to Ken for the great insights and songwriting lessons. :D

Well, I gave the lyrics some thought over the last few days and here's the breakdown and reasoning behind it. It's kinda hard for me to grasp all the ninja rhyming Ken talked about (that's how I'm calling the alliteration et al group of subtle rhyming :mrgreen: )

OK, let me show what I got here so far:

A - verse
I've felt cast away now, for far too long
Held captive deep within my mind
The time to crawl from under my cover's come
To step into the warm sunshine.

First I've changed the first two lines to what Ken suggested; very nice and poetic.

In the third line I want to convey the idea of a dark, humid place (a cave) in opposition to the warm sunshine that comes a bit latter.

The last line is a derivation of what KR2 wrote.

B - chorus
From downtown to the sea
The windows rattle as my roar precedes me.

The line Ken gave me (Wall Street to Washington DC...) sounds nice but the idea is too restrictive. Made it a bit more general, so that a broader audience can relate to it... maybe this is way too generic?

In any case, I prepared a more graphic chorus as an alternative to this one:

B - chorus
From the crowded downtown to the ships in the sea
The windows rattle as my roar precedes me.

Got some ninja rhyming in it too (crowded downton, ships in the sea and lots of w's.)

A - verse
Tired of being told what to do,
I won't be bossed, controlled or lied to.
Now it's time for this lion to reign,
To break free from this old and cold chain.

No big changes here, just the last line really. Ninja rhyming in the first two lines (look at the t's) and in the last line (old and cold). I think "old and cold" is very graphic. I was also considering "rusty and cold" but it doesn't sound as nice.

Lastly I removed the bridge lyrics, which read:

C - bridge
While most pass by indifferent,
Some urge for bringing some change.
I'll have my revolution.

I wanted to give the song a Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" felling, but the wording in the bridge just sounded silly. Put in an instrumental break in its place.

So the whole thing looks like this (using the first option for chorus):
A - verse
I've felt cast away now, for far too long
Held captive deep within my mind
The time to crawl from under my cover's come
To step into the warm sunshine.

B - chorus
From downtown to the sea
The windows rattle as my roar precedes me.

From downtown to the sea
The windows rattle as my roar precedes me.

A - verse
Tired of being told what to do,
I won't be bossed, controlled or lied to.
Now it's time for this lion to reign,
To break free from this old and cold chain.

B - chorus
From downtown to the sea
The windows rattle as my roar precedes me.

C - bridge
<< Instrumental Break >>

B - chorus
From downtown to the sea
The windows rattle as my roar precedes me.

Thanks for helping.

Cheers!!


   
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(@strangedata)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

Hello Everyone,

Since no-one posted any objections or what-ifs to my lyrics in the last ten days, I'll now try to move into putting some music to it (and please, if you do have any comments on the lyrics side, please, please, please post them :))

What should I do first: find a key for it and get the rhythm/harmony going or try to develop a melody?

Cheers!


   
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(@citizennoir)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1247
 

Hey SD

Sorry - I've been around, just too exhausted to post much (if anything) lately.

I do have some things that I'd like to touch on, if you don't mind?
I'll see if I can pull myself together this weekend.

I say, do try to put what you have to music....
You'll find that you'll make quite a few revisions in trying to fit 'writen' word to 'melodic' word.
And, you may even come up with new verses as well.

I wouldn't try anything complicated - at the most 3 chords.... 2 chords is always nice too.
One chord verses even works quite well.... in fact, we've recently had a one chord verse exercise on SSG.

Talk soon,

Ken

"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway

"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles


   
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(@strangedata)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

Hey, Ken.

Good to hear (read?) from you!
I do have some things that I'd like to touch on, if you don't mind?

I don't mind at all, your comments are great and very constructive.
I wouldn't try anything complicated - at the most 3 chords.... 2 chords is always nice too.
One chord verses even works quite well.... in fact, we've recently had a one chord verse exercise on SSG.

I'm thinking of setting a key and organizing chord progressions for the notes in this key. Do you think choosing two chords with weak-to-medium strength progression for the verse and then adding a third strong progression for the chorus would work OK?

Cheers!


   
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(@citizennoir)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1247
 

Hey there SD :)

How's it going?
Have you tried any arrangements?

Okay - Guess I'll throw this in here:

'I've felt cast away now, for far too long
Held captive deep within my mind
it's time to take these dark glasses off
and retreat into the deep sublime'

I just wanted to explain furthur, that the real rhyme is 'time' in the third line, with 'sublime' in the last line.
So how it works that way is, with the fakeout 'forced rhyme' in the traditional place mind/sublime.
They are in the 'stressed' part of the song, while 'time' is in the 'unstressed' part.
So, you really don't even notice 'time' at all.
When you read the first two lines and see that they are not the rhyme, you automatically assume it's GOT to be
the last word of the fourth line with the last word of the second line.
Your eyes CAN'T wait to get there.... you actually skip over the 3 & 4 lines AS you read them to look for the rhyme
for the conclusion/resolution.

Ken

"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway

"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles


   
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(@citizennoir)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1247
 

Okay, so....
So far, I've shed some light on what I consider 'stylistic' elements in songwriting.

Now I'd like to talk a bit about the other important element of songwriting;
What I like to call: Substance.

I tend to think of my own lyrics as being more on the stylistic side of things.
More style than substance, I always say.
I tend to shy away from traditional form.... that's just how I like to write.

Other writers here [like Kathy R.] tend to be a bit more on the substance side.
You'd be hard pressed to find a better story type songwriter around here than Kathy (and she sings great too!).

Of course, both can be combined to great effect.
When I think of a great song that is both highly stylized and full of correct songwriting substance (or form),
I think along the lines of - RHCP: Under the Bridge.
To me, that song has it all.

Alright.
First time songwriters seem to be abounding as of late, and I've noticed that there seems to be a common struggle
[to varying degrees] among the lyrical offerings.

So, here is a good rule for writing - Songs, short stories, novels, screenplays, etc....
A good story always contains a fair bit of conflict and/or tension.
No conflict = no story.

Example 1 ~ Lynyrd Skynyrd: One More Time.
How can you stand there smilin'
After all you've done
You know it seems to make you happy
When you've hurt someone
Twice before you fooled me
With your deceivin' and lyin'


A new songwriter would probably finish that verse with the very same sentiments that have already been expressed.
Then they would go on to the second verse and find a way to say the exact same thing, with different words.
Being the seasoned songwriters they are, Skynyrd used the end of the first verse to expose the conflict and tension
that would be the thread thru the entire song:
Come in and close the door
One more time, one more time

How is that conflict and tension?
Well, the storyteller is in a relationship with a girl and she's a lowdown, rotten, lying cheat; He knows it....
AND YET - He can't get enough of her.

The song continues on like this, until the last verse.
Then we encounter the resolution.
[Cos with conflict and tension, inevitably there needs to be resolution]
Yes I'm her fool once more
I can read her brown eyes
But when the rooster crows tomorrow
Well its her turn to cry
I'm headed down that old road
She lost her free ride
So tonight I'll take what I paid for
One more time, one more time
One more time

Always remember that a story needs a begining, a middle, and an end.
That sounds VERY obvious.... and yet, I see many songs that don't contain those basics.

For our next example, we'll tap one of musics all time greats (and stay in the country genre):
Folsom Prison Blues ~ Johnny Cash
I hear the train a comin'
It's rollin' 'round the bend,
And I ain't seen the sunshine,
Since, I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Folsom Prison,
And time keeps draggin' on,
But that train keeps a-rollin',
On down to San Antone.

When I was just a baby,
My Mama told me, "Son,
Always be a good boy,
Don't ever play with guns,"
But I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him die,
When I hear that whistle blowin',
I hang my head and cry.

I bet there's rich folks eatin',
In a fancy dining car,
They're probably drinkin' coffee,
And smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin',
I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a-movin',
And that's what tortures me.

Well, if they freed me from this prison,
If that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move out over a little,
Farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison,
That's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle,
Blow my Blues away.

This song has all the classic elements in place.
Notice the 'begining'.... it's a lot like a movie; what they call an 'establishing shot'.
Sort of a pulled back shot showing a 'bigger' picture.
The second verse gives a bit of history (or, the flashback sequence of a movie),
and 'explains' who he is and gives a clue as to how he got in the place that he's in.
It also hammers home the conflict/tension with the train.
The third verse is my favorite.... showing his contempt for the people on the train
just cos they are free and he's not. Tho, he is aware that he doesn't deserve to be one of them....
Which really gives his character added depth and dimension. As it turns out, he has more contempt for himself.
The next verse is the resolution.

A Begining/Middle/& End.

For our last example, I move to my favorite genre.... The Blues!
And I offer [not only the band that made me want to play guitar], The very song as well!
One of These Days ~ Ten Years After
For those not familiar: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBwAWN8hfy8&NR=1
One of these days, boy
Gonna see my baby
Gonna see my baby
Coming down the road
She'll have my pardon
Pardon in her apron, oh, Lord
Gonna see the governor
who said release my man

She's coming down the road, boy
She's coming down the road
Red dress on, yeah
She's got her red dress on
She's coming down the road, boy
She's coming down the road
Her bags down low
She's got her bags down low

One of these days, boy
Gonna see my woman
She'll have my children
Children on her knee
I'll run up to my woman
And hold her in my arms
Tears in her eyes
She says I'm glad you're free

This is a classic 'call & response' type lyric.
Each verse has a resolution to it.

Again, a man in prison.
I've always envisioned him out on a chain-gang, divulging his dreams to his fellow inmates.

Notice the interplay between Setting/Description/& Action

Also notice: Something VERY important (not to mention, interesting)....
In each song, the 'action' in the resolution verse HAS NOT HAPPENED.
It's not a SOLID conclusion, rather - what the storyteller wishes IS going to happen.
Almost like someone we all know that TALKS BIG, yeah?

In JC's song, half of the verses are 'imagined'.
In the Ten Years After song.... it's ALL imagined.

I also found it fascinating in the LS song that he removes your power by
continually saying that he's her fool.
Otherwise, you might dismiss the song by thinking for yourself that he's a fool.
I know I said not to tell your audience what to think.... that's just pure genius though!

Alright - Sorry I took so long to reply.... I've been working myself to death lately.
Still not feeling mentally there, and my son is here.... so please forgive me if I don't sound myself.
Hope you find this useful....

Write On!

Ken

"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway

"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles


   
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