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Moth to a Flame

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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
Topic starter  

I was messing about with a little riff I came up with earlier - two lines repeated then a third line........

The little voice spoke - "Put some lyrics to it"...........

Moth to a Flame

It's all gone wrong, once again,
Not my fault, I'm not to blame.......
I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame.

And my beggin' and pleadin' was all in vain,
I never thought I could feel such pain,
As here I stand in the cold and rain......

With my clothes all torn and tattered and stained,
And my life's ambition's down the drain,
Waiting for a get-away train.

You wanted to put my soul in chains,
You planted poison seeds in my brain,
You almost drove me completely insane.....

And running away goes against the grain,
But I couldn't stay to face my shame,
Even though the facts semmed plain...

And if I had my time again,
I'd probably do it all the same,
However much I tried to change.

It'd all go wrong all over again,
Wouldn't be my fault, I'm not to blame,
I'd be drawn to you like a moth to a flame...........

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@dmxrundmc)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 8
 

I like how you repeat the first verse to wrap up the song. Good imagery. The only line that didn't seem to flow right was

As here I stand in the cold and rain.

try

Here I stand in the cold, in the rain

keep writing


   
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(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 34
 

I would put As I stand, cold in the rain I like it :D :) :o :shock: :shock: 8) :lol: :P :wink: :shock: :shock:

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 159
 

I think it's pretty good but I wanted to see if anyone else had an opinion on this.

With every line having the same rhyme sound it seemed to get a little boring to me.

I don't want that taken the wrong way, because I think it IS pretty good, but, I think different sounds would be more interesting to the listener.

Any thoughts on that?

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
Topic starter  

The way I hear it in my head, ok, you have a point about repetitive, but it's one of those songs that builds, from a single finger-picked acoustic to a flat-out rocker, picking up electric on the way, drums and bass and keyboards joining in............

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@outoftheloop)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 20
 

i agree with gmilam...

some sort of variance could definately improve it, both with the structure and the rhyme scheme..

chorus? bridge? interlude? transitions?

questionable suggestions. it's your art, we're just the critics. :wink:

generally i find writing while you're composing the music produces very structured and inflexible lyrics... try recording your guitar playing and then listening to it seperately, the vocals will come better that way.

kyle


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
Topic starter  

like i said, this is one that builds.........

the vocal delivery changes from verse to verse, the chords don't.......

Er, if you want an example of a song that's the same all the way through, check out "I'm Waiting for the Man" by the Velvet Underground - no bridges there - just the same few chords all the way through........

OK, this is slightly different - I use the same few chords in a repeating pattern all the way through, and virtually the same rhyme all the way through.......but did anyone ever say that's not allowed? Some people have made multi-million pound careers from recycling the same old riffs over and over.......

And if i was in a bad mood and feeling a bit stroppy.....which given my current circumstances I feel I'm really entitled to be....I'd probably get thrown of the site for swearing.......

And (another cliche coming up!!!) I like it anyway.......one of these days I will get around to puttting these songs on MP3, then you'll all tell me "well the songs are good, but your guitar playing could be better" - and that's if your'e being kind.........

So yeah, I can take criticism, the main problem with posting just lyrics is that no-one has a clue what goes on in your head..........

And I've never written a song yet where the lyrics won't fit the music...........

Someone once asked Roy Orbison how he fitted lyrics to music, he just said "I make 'em fit..........if it's too long, I sing 'em quicker..if it's too short, I sing it slower" - a realy good piece of advice there, and I've lived by it ever since...........

Anyway, I'll post another one here tomorrow.......a very personal song, but you'll see what i mean..........

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@guy_d)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 16
 

Ya! what a great peace of writing, good imagery throughout.

People talk of situations,
Read books, repeat quotations,
Draw conclusions on the wall.

Bob Dylan, Love Minus Zero/No Limit,


   
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(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 159
 

Vic...

You seem to get kindy testy when someone has a "critique" of the stuff. We all think it's pretty good and obviously it's your song and if you feel it that way then it's not wrong.

We're just offering some thoughts about it that we think may or may not make it sound better.

You're right, it is definately hard to critique when all you are given is a set of lyrics without music, feel etc. But that's all we got. We can't ctitique on what we can't hear.

Anyways...I hope that when you post, you know that we're all just trying to help each other and not knock down.

and if it sounds good to you...then rock on!

peace out!

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
Topic starter  

I do apologise if I came across as "a bit testy" - there's a lot going wrong at the moment, most of which I have no control over....

It's just that the song was deliberately written to be repetitive, and that seems to be the only thing that people picked up on and criticised! If you look at some of the other stuff I've posted, you'll notice there's very little repetition.......the point of this song was that it starts off slowly with just acoustic guitar, then drums bass electric guitar and keyboards get picked up on the way, all playing exactly the same riff - the vocal pattern changes slightly from verse to verse.......

I guess in a way I'm blessed with the ability to hear the whole song in my head as if I was hearing it on the radio - but this blessing can be a curse, my musical dexterity is insufficient to get the song on tape the way I want to hear it!

Once again, apologies if I got a bit stroppy, and I do appreciate any and each input .......maybe in future I'll post a little footnote about how I see the song, a few pointers as to chords and rhythm etc......perhaps even a bit of tab as if it was for the easy song database!!!!

:D

PS - Something I said a few weeks ago in the Sunday Songwriters Forum....

"Don't forget, every parent thinks their child is perfect - it's the evil auntie who spots the birthmark.......... then again surgery is sometimes required............"

:D

Vic.

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 159
 

We're all friends here :)

I'd love to hear a post of it, even if it's just the idea. Doesn't have to be demo ready to tell if it's got potential!

I like the idea of it building on itself...looking forward to maybe hearing it!

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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