My Lyrics - What do you think?

Is it really that bad that no one wants to comment on it?

Hi'a

No it is not that bad at all. I like the chorus, very jingley like one would imagine Tom to sing.

I do have a bit of a problem with the verses. Great for poetry but not so great to sing. Let me explain.

Who, said the gardener to the lady
Will you stay for a while?
Will you bring me a cup of sunshine,
soft breezes and a smile?

If you take the first verse, it sounds like it should be read with emphasis on the word I put in bold . OK other lines should be formed as questions " Will you stay for a while" is very effective in speech but really difficult in song form. Unless you are singing Cole Porter style, the lovely words you have used and expression will be totally lost. As a folk/ ballad sing writer, I personally would find this difficult.

However the chorus, I can imagine singing..... do you see what I mean.

Hope this helps a bit . just my 10c worth

Go well

Ja'mir :wink:

Thanks Jamir! I like to write song lyrics that also read well as a poem.
I understand what you're saying about the questions in verse one. The song is written is a ballad style with sparse chords and done sort of "liltingly", if you know what I mean, so they actually sing easier than one would at first think. Perhaps I will record it and post it a some later date.
A couple guitarist friends and myself will be performing it at an open mike this coming Sat.
BTW - the chords for the verses are: D, G, D; C, G, D; D, G, D; C, G, D
the chords for the choruses are: C, G, D; C, G, D; G, D, C: C, G, D

Thanks Jamir! I like to write song lyrics that also read well as a poem.

I had exactly the same thought as Jamir. The natural pulse of the words seemed to vary quite a bit from verse to verse. It was also rather heavy on cliches, and had some passages that didn't seem to flow so well grammatically. But given the general style of it, that was probably not too much of a problem.

Writing song lyrics as if they were poetry may sometimes work, but it's usually better to treat lyric writing as completely different animal than either poetry or prose. My own feeling is that once something starts to take shape then it's worth establishing what you might call the 'rhythm song' in your head, and then shaping the new lines around that rhythm (drum track if you like, although that's not quite exactly it either). Otherwise it can fall rather flat when you try and set it to music.

I thought that it definitely had some good things going for it, but it still seemed kind of wispy, and didn't seem to go anywhere in particular or have much of a story to tell. Lots of icing, but not much cake, as it were. Good luck with shaping it up anyway. :)

Cheers,

Chris

Been away for a while so I'm just getting back to checking my post. Thanks for the feedback it will help me put together better lyrics in the future. I am always looking for insight and ways to improve.

Chris, I see what you mean about the cliches. I never realized that before, maybe I do that more than I realize. It's something to watch out for in the future.

I have other lyrics, perhaps I'll post them also and see if I have a pattern that I'm not aware of.

I would like to compose lyrics in such a way that it touches millions of hearts and give them pleasure.

Nikhil - I would also like to write songs and lyrics to touch millions.