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 spug
(@spug)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 26
Topic starter  

i can't fucking take it anymore
the blade does my talking the gun takes my pride
I have nothing left to give until i die
on that day i will rule the world
my corpse wil bring a pain to the world that no one will know

This is my final hour
i can't do this anymore
all this pressure of success
leads into failure
i can't fucking be with you anymore
you drain me from the purity of life
Bringing death to the ones close to you
You are the succubus

This thoughless game
this mindless manner
something more
but nothing less
used to pain
immune to hate
i am the only one to mess with his fate

This is my final hour
i can't do this anymore
all this pressure of success
leads into failure
i can't fucking be with myself anymore
i'm dragging deeper and deeper
i can't escape

fuck this world
i hate it so much
why must it taunt me
i won't let it anymore
i just won't
why must i live
why must i breate
why ........fucking why......god damnit
someone please reach out
please
i need..........
(silence)

Please tell me what you think, i appreciate it.

Got Metal?


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Well, the verses have irregular numbers of lines, and there doesn't seem to be any particular pattern to the verses, and some of your line lengths are a singer's nightmare.

Apart from that, I couldn't work out what it was about, either.

We try not to be negative here, especially the moderators, but it's very difficult to see where this one's going.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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 spug
(@spug)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 26
Topic starter  

i suppose i should have made it clearer that this song really isn't meant to be perfectly structured. This is supposed to be like a frantic metal thrasher song. Preferably it would be sung by corey taylor. i guess if i had music to put to this and someone singing it it would make alot more sense. sorry about that. in the future i will try to be more clear. thanx. peace.

Got Metal?


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Don't get me wrong - my eldest likes Slipknot - but I'm not sure that imagining it as a Slipknot song makes it any better, to be honest; although at least I can hear how it goes now even if I still can't work out where it's going.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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