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(@catcha)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 74
Topic starter  

Hi after a long break I am getting back in to recording and although I am not a song writer I have a song I "attempted" a few years back that I would like to sort out as it was quite personal back then.
Hope someone can take a look at the lyrics and help me with some sort of a "catch / chorus" and advice on making it perhaps more "mature"........

Poor Rosie......

She picks up her letters , stands alone in the hall
Defenceless and old noone comes to call
Poor old Rosie turns on her tv,
Sits lonely and cold on a worn out settee

Time passes by , shes alone with her dreams
so safe in her house or thats how it seems
Poor old Rosie is thinking about
her holidays when its safe to go out

Saved up her pension , its hidden away
and the chain on the door keeps burglars at bay
shes dreaming of Bognor , could go ther again
if money holds out theres a winter in Spain

Drunken young thug stumbles home from the pub
looking for easy money to spend on his drug
he sees Rosies house , the windows ajar
puts his hand in his pocket , pulls out a bar

Poor old Rosie all alone in her dreams
shes beat on the head , noone hears her screams
Poor old Rosie was found on the floor
no photofit , nobody saw

No poor old Rosies not going abroad
shes lying in a bed in a hospital ward
cut about her head and a broken jaw
but Poor old Rosies not alone anymore...

Thanks ....
Any ideas? I have no idea how to add a chorus / bridge etc to this but really want to do something with this one....

Dont give a shite about punctuation or spelling , I have to do that all day at work.
Free times for rocking !!


   
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(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 159
 

Just an idea for the chorus...It's not great, but maybe it will help spark something for you.

Who will see her...
Who will Hear her...
No neighbors, friends or Sunday preachers
Who will richen the life of Poor Rosie

Use or lose....

Greg

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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(@forrest)
Trusted Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 45
 

This strikes me as being a mature piece of work as it is, not sure what you meant by that?
I think it works well as it is but if you want a chorus I think using the first verse would work, perhaps over different chords, and changing the last two lines to reflect and reinforce the story's progression.
This is certainly good work for someone that isn't a "songwriter".
I think you are a songwriter. Okay, you've only written one song maybe and a long time ago at that but you're obviously working on it again and doing a ggod job.
In my view that makes you a songwriter, amoung other things Im sure, but a songwriter nonetheless.
I make a point of saying this because I get the impression you're putting yourself down.
I think we all need a conviction that we are at least competant and can improve otherwise our skills won't develop.
Hope this helps
Forrest.


   
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(@catcha)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 74
Topic starter  

This strikes me as being a mature piece of work as it is, not sure what you meant by that?
I think it works well as it is but if you want a chorus I think using the first verse would work, perhaps over different chords, and changing the last two lines to reflect and reinforce the story's progression.
This is certainly good work for someone that isn't a "songwriter".
I think you are a songwriter. Okay, you've only written one song maybe and a long time ago at that but you're obviously working on it again and doing a ggod job.
In my view that makes you a songwriter, amoung other things Im sure, but a songwriter nonetheless.
I make a point of saying this because I get the impression you're putting yourself down.
I think we all need a conviction that we are at least competant and can improve otherwise our skills won't develop.
Hope this helps
Forrest.

Well thanks for that , I did write quite a few songs back then but for some reason most seem a little imature now when I compare the to some of the stuff I see here and elsewhere .
The line about cut head and broken jaw still seems "immature" and not quite right to me , in emotional terms but I got frustrated in trying to come up with another way of explaining her condition after the attack etc...ideas on that line would be most welcome !!!
Not sure if that line etc comes accross as maybe "tacky" (would be another way of putting it) to others.

Would be nice to know if the story moved you in any way at all

and changing the last two lines to reflect and reinforce the story's progression.

Sounds like a good idea , I will work on it

Also thanks Greg , this all helps :)

Dont give a shite about punctuation or spelling , I have to do that all day at work.
Free times for rocking !!


   
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(@inkpen)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 66
 

Poor Rosie......

She picks up old letters
Stands alone in the hall
Defenceless and old
With No-one to call
Feeling lonely and sad
Sits on a worn out settee
Thinking of younger days
Turns on her TV

chorus I would go with something like this

worked all her life
saved every dime
ect

just a thought

lucy :)


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

I think I'd leave it as it is. It's a straight-through story and I think it would lose a lot if you were to add a repeated chorus in there.

The only thing I found that didn't quite follow was if she's so lonely, who found her? Maybe that could be built in somewhere.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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