Skip to content
Need help with song...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Need help with song for my girlfriend?

7 Posts
6 Users
0 Likes
8,997 Views
Roman955
(@roman955)
Eminent Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 15
Topic starter  

Now keep in mind, I'm 14, and this is my first song, so don't be too cruel, please? :)

I wrote this for her, if you guys could maybe revise it? Tell me some better words to use, also, tell me what you think of it. I can't think of a bridge, I want to finish it off with a bridge and then the chorus. Tell me what you think!

Verse 1

When I met you girl my heart was in a daze
Now that I'm with you you got so many ways
to keep me on your side, you keep me satisfied.
In my heart I've got a feeling, and it doesn't lie.

Chorus
I got a cool breeze, flowing through my window,
Just like the way the love in our hearts flow,
To hard to resist you, I can't even try,
Cause when you love me, I thank my lucky stars,
That I'm alive.

Verse 2
Were millions of miles away from that place,
But all seem to vanish when i look at your face.
cause when your close to me, like it's supposed to be,
the whole world seems to stop!

Chorus
I got a cool breeze, flowing through my window,
Just like the way the love in our hearts flow,
To hard to resist you, I can't even try,
Cause when you love me, I thank my lucky stars,
That I'm alive.


   
Quote
pear tart
(@pear-tart)
Eminent Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 14
 

Alright, I'm 14 too so I don't have much grounds to be very cruel....

But I think you should make the song more original. You can introduce a twist or use very specific details. Right now you're falling under the general idea of "I love you" but there's so much more to that. You can find some vivid unusual imagery, add something unexpected, personalize it. Go specific and tell a story while you send a message.


   
ReplyQuote
Coolnama
(@coolnama)
Prominent Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 590
 

Haha Im 14 too but I can be very cruel :twisted:.

Now seriously, pear tart is right, its a bit cliched, but dont worry, its nice, just unoriginal, try doing what she says, Idk tell the story of how u first met, and how everything happened.

I wanna be that guy that you wish you were ! ( i wish I were that guy)

You gotta set your sights high to get high!

Everyone is a teacher when you are looking to learn.

( wise stuff man! )

Its Kirby....


   
ReplyQuote
Blue Jay
(@blue-jay)
Noble Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 1630
 

Yes it is cliche and there is no action. It is all about being passive, and feelings. No story or dynamics.

Well, you can still save it, or breathe some life into it, and get by. It's not that bad as a young effort, better than many.

First, change heart to "head" in a daze.

Second verse, you didn't rhyme with "stop". Re-write the entire second verse. Same idea, just different words.

This is only a suggestion - really, I would have to think about myself and hone it some more. I mean, just a quick alternative.

We're millions of miles from everywhere ("on a sea of dreams", if you like, then change the next ryhyme)
The look in your eyes says we haven't a care
And our worlds collide like it's meant to be
We touch (the stars) ... I feel the harmonyyy

Bridge:

Girl, you've got me in your grasp,
I won't break free,
We can make it last...

Maybe not so hot, but that's just a few minutes' thoughts, and can be improved if it is worth the time. :D

Like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.


   
ReplyQuote
Blue Jay
(@blue-jay)
Noble Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 1630
 

Hey Roman. How's it goin? :D

Like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.


   
ReplyQuote
Babs22110
(@babs22110)
Eminent Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 15
 

im 17 and i think the song is great but it could use a few minor improvements. Yes, we get the idea that you love your girlfriend but love is so much more than just saying "i love you". its describing the first time you met and all the good times yet to be in your future.


   
ReplyQuote
purple
(@purple)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 343
 

I think it's pretty good...

In the first verse, I am not a fan of the double 'you's.... ('double you's' just gave myself an idea for a song)... anywho.. Not sure what would be a good replacement that would still capture the idea of what you want to say. I completely second the changing the first heart to head as well. I am not so much a fan of using the same word over and over unless warranted or for dramatic effect.

Same thing in the chorus, there is the double use of the word flow (techincally flows would be gramatically correct here). Also, consider changing cool to warm or maybe even hot - depends on what you want to say with the breeze. Cool in my mind brings up the idea of refreshing, warm would be more sweet, and hot, well you are too young for hot. Also I am not a fan of "thank my lucky stars," seems out of place. An idea:

Warm breeze blowing through my window,
Feels like how our love flows
Too hard to resist you, can't even try
When you love me, I'm grateful to be alive

In the second verse, the only thing that seems a little off is the not rhyming the last to lines.

I am very wordy person (e.g. look at this post) and I see you have a little bit of my disease. One thing I do after I write a song is go back through it and try to cut out all the unneccesary words or see if I could say the same thing with less words with out losing the imagery. If you take too many words to say a thought, it can lose impact. Everything here is only a suggestion, there is no right way to write a song. Some songs you get right the first time, others you may toil with for years. You say you are looking for 'better words,' don't be afraid to use a thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary, both can be found on-line.

Happy writing...

It's not easy being green.... good thing I'm purple.


   
ReplyQuote