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need some HONEST feedback and suggestions for two band songs

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(@ignar-hillstrom)
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Lately we've been writing some songs with the band, and being Dutch we would sure appreciate some feedback from non-dutch people about the lyrics. The lyrics as they are now fit perfectly with the music, so that's no issue. Would appreciate whatever honest and usefull things you care to say. Thanks in advance!


   
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(@ignar-hillstrom)
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Levity - When Flowers Come
--------------------------------------

[Verse]
Just a feeling, can be hope, love or hate
Didn't look just for you
A cloudy sky, sometimes some light
But honest, what happens is right

[Verse]
Just a feeling of something that looked good
In a way I won't forget
But when flowers come and the birds sing
You'll close your eyes for things

[Chorus]
Yeah the rain has come instead of sun
But the memories will remain
I never met someone like you
so I really can't complain

[Verse]
Just a feeling, integrity, respect
for someone, it was you
Being strong, you have to go on
But you didn't had to use my feelings all along

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
But in fact there must be hope
And when even these things fail
Cryin' will sometimes really help
Go ahead and spread your sail……

[Chorus]

[Instrumental]

[Verse]
Just a feeling of something that looked good
In a way I won't forget
But when flowers come and the birds sing
You'll close your eyes for things


   
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(@ignar-hillstrom)
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Levity - My Pride
-----------------

[Verse]
Went down the street
And I saw you standing there
Why don't you look me in the eye
I wonder…did I do something wrong
Or didn't you see me walk by

[Chorus]
What did I do
What made you feel so bad
Was it something I said
What did I do
Feel just the way you want
But don't bother me again

[Verse]
Was thinking…my pride too big for you
Or didn't I satisfy your needs
I'm ashamed, but I don't care for you
All I can say I never did

[Chorus]

[Solo]

[Chorus]

[verse]
Yeah it hurts….to be so close with you
Is it painfull to see the truth
Imagine…how it must feel for me
Your pride has made me scared…

[Chorus]


   
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(@sjboller)
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Joined: 19 years ago
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Arjen,

Could you post these songs to your Sounclick page or email them to me. I have a hard time being critical of something that is just written on a page unless there is something blatantly "wrong" or just plain bad. Which there isn't with either of these. I'd just like to hear how it comes together and the feel of it.


   
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(@ignar-hillstrom)
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These songs are still 'under construction', meaning that the current recording isn't finished. I can send both songs tomorrow (don't have them around at the moment), but you'll have to keep in mind that:

1) Vocals done by our male piano-player instead of our female singer.
2) No drum with WFC, only MIDI drum with MP.

Would give you an idea how it would sound, but it's darn near impossible to give any specific feedback. Will send them if you're still interested, assuming the other bandmembers won't mind, will have to ask them tomorrow as well.


   
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(@sjboller)
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If it's cool with the others in your band, bring em on!


   
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(@sjboller)
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Arjen, sorry it's taking me so long to give you a reply on your song. This week has been INSANE at work and my piece of shit Volkswagen finally died. So, I've been in the process of purchasing a new car among other things. This weekend I'll be gone in Nuernberg and won't give my full critique until probably Sunday night. I listened to the song a few times already and I definitely digged the music .. I have a few suggestions for the lyrics .. not content .. but rather some grammatical "fixes" and some thing that I think would make some of the meaning a little clearer.

Again, I won't be back until Sunday ... you think you could send me the second song so I can listen it to it as well ... "My Pride" .. I only got "When Flowers Come".

Until Sunday.


   
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(@sjboller)
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Arjen ... apologies. I've had a very strenuous week. Okay, a horrible week. But, I'm back and here's the "review" as promised.

I'm gonna start with "My Pride" ... this had a real pop feel to it, but it was catchy and the chorus actually kind of got me to sing along a bit. The music is great (especially the solo). The guitar on the chorus where you palm mute the chords sounded a bit too chunky compared to the rest of the song .. the chords were fine .. but maybe a little less on the "chunky" sound .. or try a different effect. It pulled too much attention to the guitar.
The solo fit right in seamlessy and was actually pretty bitchin' dude. Play the song back and from 01:44 to 01:50 (yes I know it's only six seconds) .. but the riff there sounded a bit too repetitive to me ... maybe the just holding a note there or try a different note in the scale to mix it up a bit. Those six seconds seemed a bit long too me ... and that is THE ONLY BAD thing about the solo to my ears .. truly bitchin' dude. Okay so.. the six seconds on the solo ..and the palm muted chords in the chorus .. my only complaints on the music.

Now, the lyrics. When I read them first I was thinking .. "hmm .. kind of cheesy". The music really put it into perspective for me and now it sounds all right for me. The chorus sounded a bit empty .. almost too repetitive for me. Just a thought .. maybe someone slowly echoing the chorus over the lead singer (think California Dreamin') .. or maybe just double up voices .. something to give it a bit more punch.

Some grammatical fixes .. I know you guys aren't native English speakers, but your piano player did pretty damn well. I can understand everything he is saying clearly. Night and day compared to some of the bands I saw when I lived in say .. Korea. Or heck, even here in Germany.

First line .. "Went down the street" ... change "went" ... it's just too boring of a word to start the song with ... IMHO. "Downtown Bourbon Street" or whatever street name ... or hell, I don't know dude .. but CHANGE IT!!! :) Hehe ..

Also ... "Was thinking ... my pride too big for you" ... "my PRIDE'S too big for you" sounds much better ... throw that "s" in there.

"Your pride has made scared". I just didn't like the word scared there. Since it doesn't rhyme with the rest of the verse (it sounds fine) ... you are not bound to force a rhyme and can choose any other word you want. I'd change it.

Arjen, good song .. and the sound was recorded very nicely. I hope this criticism helps somewhat ... and FOR EVERYONE ELSE READING THIS ... you should hear this .. friggin' good job Arjen and Co. By the way .. Levity is a cool band name - I'd keep it .. :)

The other review is coming up .. let me absorb more of it .. and smoke a few more cigarettes ...

Also, I'd like to hear some of your songs you've done in Dutch.


   
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(@ignar-hillstrom)
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Topic starter  

Sorry to hear your week hasn't been that good though, but thanks a ton, exactly what I was hoping for!
The guitar on the chorus where you palm mute the chords sounded a bit too chunky compared to the rest of the song .. the chords were fine .. but maybe a little less on the "chunky" sound .. or try a different effect. It pulled too much attention to the guitar.

True, it annoys the heck out of myself. I recorded that track with way too little trebble. I tried to fix this by setting a huge boost on the upper frequencies afterwards but it totally butchers the sound. The muted sounds are now more like fingernails on a blackbord.
Those six seconds seemed a bit long too me

True. The solo was just improvised on the spot and that part isn't really adding much overall. More of a 'look at me play lead guitar perfectly in a different time signature without distracting too much' gimmick. :D
First line .. "Went down the street" ... change "went" ... it's just too boring of a word to start the song with ... IMHO. "Downtown Bourbon Street" or whatever street name ... or hell, I don't know dude .. but CHANGE IT!!! Hehe ..

Hadn't thought about it, but great suggestion. That line is going to change. As for the pride'S: correct. Was an accidental error of the singer (who isn't the actual singer in our band, by the way).

Thanks a bunch, some real usefull suggestions. Looking forward to what you suggest about the other one.
lso, I'd like to hear some of your songs you've done in Dutch.
Wouldn't mind that, but I'd need to make some proper&serious recordings first. I do have ready yet another bandsong, with our true singer and drummer, if you aren't getting bored of us yet. :D


   
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(@e-sherman)
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Just a feeling, can be hope, love or hate

I would change 'can' to could.

The king of rock, some say lives
the lizard king, is surely dead
the king of France, lost his head
the King of Kings... bled
( email me at esherman@wideopenwest.(com). I almost never check my hotmailaccount.


   
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(@ignar-hillstrom)
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Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 5349
Topic starter  

Thanks. Is there a grammatical difference or is 'could'
just a diferent tonal version of 'can'? Fits and sounds fine in any case.


   
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(@e-sherman)
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I don't have a technical definition for you, but as a native english speaker I can say that in many cases they could be switched. My gut feeling was that could would fit better. It makes the line flow more, and makes it sound less fragmented.

Also, you are describing what the different feeling could be. Feelings CAN be all sorta of different things, like hope, love or hate. But if your having just a feeling and your not sure what it is exactly, it could be love, hope or hate.

It's really up to you and the band, that was just what my inital reaction was as a native speaker.

The king of rock, some say lives
the lizard king, is surely dead
the king of France, lost his head
the King of Kings... bled
( email me at esherman@wideopenwest.(com). I almost never check my hotmailaccount.


   
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(@ignar-hillstrom)
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Sounds fine to me. It's exactly these tiny little things for which I posted, so thanks. :D


   
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(@e-sherman)
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No problem.

The king of rock, some say lives
the lizard king, is surely dead
the king of France, lost his head
the King of Kings... bled
( email me at esherman@wideopenwest.(com). I almost never check my hotmailaccount.


   
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