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No More (tentative title)

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(@the24factorsofseandonovan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
Topic starter  

It's been a while. Well, here's something in need of fixing. It's written in reference to one of my friends who is having trouble admitting he has an addiction to alcohol and chewing tobacco. The * means a line in dire need of fixing.

Also as of yet it is tentatively titled "No More," so I would like suggestions for a title, if you may.

It's beginning to look grim
The state of mind you put yourself in
Is turning black and white*
Someday you'll pay your dues*
These decisions you made are killing you
It's just not right

You've tied the noose around your neck
And now you never will go back
To all those times before
You took the risks, you made your choice
If you could only hear my voice
Don't do this anymore

This fire's slowly spreading*
Firelight is slowly shedding*
Light on your demise*
Are you seeing yourself clearly
Or can you finally see your world is slowly
Turning black and white

Still running away
Waiting for the final day*

You've tied the noose around your neck
And now you never will go back
To all those times before
You took the risks, you made your choice
If you could only hear my voice
Don't do this anymore

Still running away
Waiting for the final day*

You've tied the noose around your neck
And now you never will go back
To all those times before
You took the risks, you made your choice
If you could only hear my voice
Don't do this anymore

Again, this really is in need of improvement. So, anything I need to know?

And the fire from within burns undying!
http://www.myspace.com/seandonovanmusic
http://www.garageband.com/artist/seandonovanmusic
http://www.soundclick.com/the24factorsofseandonovan


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Why not change the "black and white" reference to "day to night", to get the denial aspect in there

It's beginning to look grim
The state of mind you put yourself in
Is turning day into night

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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 Mike
(@mike)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2892
 

I like the day into night suggestion.

That last verse is pretty quick, do you plan on adding more to it or is it the beginning to the solo?

And this verse......
This fire's slowly spreading*
Firelight is slowly shedding*
Light on your demise*
Are you seeing yourself clearly
Or can you finally see your world is slowly
Turning black and white

Maybe try -

"This fire is slowly spreading
Your sole is slowly shedding
Light on your demise
Are you seeing yourself clearly
Can you see your life flashing you by
Fading from day into night"

Something like that maybe???

Mike


   
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