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ok..wrote a song..too negative?

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GAZ-UK
(@gaz-uk)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 148
Topic starter  

hi all,i wrote this while i was working it just kinda came out,ill let you make up your minds on it,it has no chorus yet so its kinda like a poem,but i am gonna put guitar to it and record it,it needs tweaking,maybe the lines need shortening but im happy with the overall length of the song....compliment..criticise..anything

v1
its a cold night as i walk the streets
i breathe heavy as i stare at my feet
i hear loud voices as the freezing wind blows
no protection from the hands in the shadows

v2
see figures in the distance assembled like soldiers
a misty sheet between us my eyes glazed over
they approach me with anger i turn to run
synchronised marching to the sound of a gun

v3
feels like slow motion as i try to hide
but cant hide the feeling of bitterness inside
my hearts beating fast im running out of time
its so hard to breathe my chest feels tight

v4 (bridge)
hands covered in blood,fear floods my mind
im holding a gun....my fate has been signed
it hits me like a bullet to the centre of my head
oh my god..i did it..i cry...shes dead..

v5
its playing on my conscience i dont know what to do
staring right at me is the gun across the room
i cant go on like this ive got it figured...
reaching right out i caress the trigger..

v6
its so clear..i know what has to be done..
im so sorry for who ive become..
please forgive me lord for ive let you down..
i pull the trigger..gun falls to the ground..

thanks..........GAZ :D :D

"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"


   
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Alan Green
(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Starts very very good, with great images of Cold War paranoia, but I think the ending is wrong. I would have gone for humanity's self-destruction, and kept the suicidal conscience wording to use in another song.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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GAZ-UK
(@gaz-uk)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 148
Topic starter  

i know what you mean...but i tried to write it as if you realised what youd done when seeing the blood on your hands,as in youd killed someone and only realised after you did it,and the line "see figures in the distance assembled like soldiers" is an image of the police coming for you,then a slightly "romeo and juliet" style ending..it needs tweaking i know that...thanks for the reply

much appreciated

gaz

"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"


   
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MetalWerk2
(@metalwerk2)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 56
 

don't like the word soldiers or that they're assembled. I don't get the image. The rest is really cool.

I'm guessing the end is suicide. that's okay since it's first person present.

I'd like to hear the tune.


   
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greybeard
(@greybeard)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5840
 

I agree with Alan - the imagery, at the beginning, is definitely cold war - rainy night, third man, street lights, (sorry about this) Lili Marlene. Then, in a heartbeat, a domestic scene - a dead spouse/girlfriend/etc..
The finish goes too far - if you've pulled the trigger, that's the end of the song. You're not there to know that the gun fell to the floor.

I started with nothing - and I've still got most of it left.
Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in any dictionary?
Greybeard's Pages
My Articles & Reviews on GN


   
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MetalWerk2
(@metalwerk2)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 56
 

It does sound like cold war, but I have a feeling it's not suppose to be. That's the problem with using the wrong simile (he says 'like' soldiers).

So I guess the big point here is 'who are these figures?' Maybe they're in his imagination. And if he's running from them, did he already kill her, because if he did, then why is he back in the room where the gun is to eventually kill himself.


   
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GAZ-UK
(@gaz-uk)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 148
Topic starter  

dont worry i dont have suicidal tendancies....the words just came out so i wrote,its as if ive done something wrong,and dont realise until i see the blood on my hands and the gun,and 'assembled like soldiers' is like either...soldiers...or police coming to arrest/kill me....and the 'hearing voices as the freezing wind blows' is my conscience. 'cant hide the feeling of bitterness inside' is knowing ive done something wrong..but not knowing what.. maybe its just a stupid thing to write about...

"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"


   
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kachman
(@kachman)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 155
 

Don't know too much about songwriting, but from a listener's standpoint - I have to agree with Alan and Greybeard. Just reading it the first time, after v1 and v2, I had a WWII type picture in my head with Nazis or the Red Army marching in a cold Eastern European winter.

http://www.myspace.com/kachman


   
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