Princess

Long time no see! Welcome back.

The only thing I'd suggest is to replace "unfurl" with another word. It's a word that seems to only show up when someone wants a rhyme for "world" and in spite of that it's a pretty unwieldy word. An off-rhyme such as "unfolds" would work better.

Looking forward to more.

Peace

:D Hey there Portia! As David said, "Long time, no see!" It is good to see you back! :D

Thanks, good to be back.

Yeah, I've been gone quite a while, I guess ... been focussing on my band ... which has hit a snag currently as we're down a couple of members ... but, the upside of that is I have some time on my hands to do some writing on my own while we rebuild :)

It never occured to me that unfurls is a bit of an odd word ... you're right, though, unfolds would probably work better - I will change it.

:) Portia

Hey I don't know if this would follow the music but this is what I thought when reading this part.

Princess lies choking
on words never spoken
drowning in memories

when I got here before I read the next part I wanted the last line to be

of dreams that are broken

but depending on the music it might be better with or without a rhyme i dunno, anyways just a thought.

I like the song, kinda makes me thing about Jasmine from Aladdin.

Hi Portia

welcome back. I like your song, I havent heard it yet so my comments are based on the read only. I seems to me that each verse is articulating 2 points, and I like the way the way you run the 3 lines together to make each one, I just wonder whether on the 4th line of each verse how a more converstional approach might sound

eg.
love and laughter
teetering somewhere
beyond the ridge of disaster
that passion and romance
lost in the void
of a heart that can't take a chance

that way it becomes less of a list of points.

The way I see the chorus is AABB so in that sense I dont have the same urge as Dneck for the last line to change,

Anyway pretty good song I think, I look forward to hearing it.

cheers

Paul

Hey Portia,

You know you are fantastic! My only thoughts....

beyond the ridge of disaster

I am not sure ridge is the proper word to use here. Something like edge, brink, brim would make more sense but are unfortunately a little cliche. Hmm.. maybe 'Beyond the realm of disaster.'

of a heart that can't take a chance

This line doesn't thirll me probably because I know the lyrics aren't the same but every time I read it my mind immediately goes to Bette Midler's song 'The Rose.' This may just be because I am crazy. Even if you considered my craziness, no idea what a good change or just rewording would be, the line is pretty great as it is.

Great Job!

Happy Writing,
Purple

Hey Potia,
I have to agree with Purple ,those two lines I thought were a bit weak.... maybe
" On the right side of diasaster" and although they are a bit clicheed/ cringy " Heart that can't dance/ A hearts lost chance...dunno ?
In verse 2 I'd flip lines 2&3... to me... it sounds better . Also, do you really need 4
choruses ? That's just me tho I 'm not too fond of excessive repetition unless it's really catchy ?

The only thing I'd suggest is to replace "unfurl" with another word. It's a word that seems to only show up when someone wants a rhyme for "world" and in spite of that it's a pretty unwieldy word.
Bah! Programmers who know how to optimise in assembly language say 'unfurl'... and there's at least three of us left out there :mrgreen: