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Princess

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(@portia)
Reputable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 179
Topic starter  

Princess

VERSE 1
love and laughter
teetering somewhere
beyond the ridge of disaster
passion and romance
lost in the void
of a heart that can't take a chance

CHORUS
Princess lies choking
on words never spoken
drowning in memories
of dreams that will never be

VERSE 2
success and ambition
tangled among
plans never brought to fruition
wants and desires
burried within
a soul afraid to climb higher

CHORUS
Princess lies choking
on words never spoken
drowning in memories
of dreams that will never be

BRIDGE
faceless to the world
lost to herself
her future unfolds
we all know it well
empty and vain
a candle without a flame
not broken or maimed
but dead just the same

CHORUS
Princess lies choking
on words never spoken
drowning in memories
of dreams that will never be

CHORUS
Princess lies choking
on words never spoken
drowning in memories
of dreams that will never be

_________________________________________________________

This does have music ... you can hear it here: http://portia.dmusic.com
comments and suggestions on words, music, or both are welcome and appreciated.

:) Portia


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Long time no see! Welcome back.

The only thing I'd suggest is to replace "unfurl" with another word. It's a word that seems to only show up when someone wants a rhyme for "world" and in spite of that it's a pretty unwieldy word. An off-rhyme such as "unfolds" would work better.

Looking forward to more.

Peace


   
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(@elecktrablue)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 4338
 

:D Hey there Portia! As David said, "Long time, no see!" It is good to see you back! :D

..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ .·´
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´ -:¦:- Elecktrablue -:¦:-

"Don't wanna ride no shootin' star. Just wanna play on the rhythm guitar." Emmylou Harris, "Rhythm Guitar" from "The Ballad of Sally Rose"


   
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(@portia)
Reputable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 179
Topic starter  

Thanks, good to be back.

Yeah, I've been gone quite a while, I guess ... been focussing on my band ... which has hit a snag currently as we're down a couple of members ... but, the upside of that is I have some time on my hands to do some writing on my own while we rebuild :)

It never occured to me that unfurls is a bit of an odd word ... you're right, though, unfolds would probably work better - I will change it.

:) Portia


   
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(@dneck)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 630
 

Hey I don't know if this would follow the music but this is what I thought when reading this part.

Princess lies choking
on words never spoken
drowning in memories

when I got here before I read the next part I wanted the last line to be

of dreams that are broken

but depending on the music it might be better with or without a rhyme i dunno, anyways just a thought.

I like the song, kinda makes me thing about Jasmine from Aladdin.

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Portia

welcome back. I like your song, I havent heard it yet so my comments are based on the read only. I seems to me that each verse is articulating 2 points, and I like the way the way you run the 3 lines together to make each one, I just wonder whether on the 4th line of each verse how a more converstional approach might sound

eg.
love and laughter
teetering somewhere
beyond the ridge of disaster
that passion and romance
lost in the void
of a heart that can't take a chance

that way it becomes less of a list of points.

The way I see the chorus is AABB so in that sense I dont have the same urge as Dneck for the last line to change,

Anyway pretty good song I think, I look forward to hearing it.

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@purple)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 343
 

Hey Portia,

You know you are fantastic! My only thoughts....

beyond the ridge of disaster

I am not sure ridge is the proper word to use here. Something like edge, brink, brim would make more sense but are unfortunately a little cliche. Hmm.. maybe 'Beyond the realm of disaster.'

of a heart that can't take a chance

This line doesn't thirll me probably because I know the lyrics aren't the same but every time I read it my mind immediately goes to Bette Midler's song 'The Rose.' This may just be because I am crazy. Even if you considered my craziness, no idea what a good change or just rewording would be, the line is pretty great as it is.

Great Job!

Happy Writing,
Purple

It's not easy being green.... good thing I'm purple.


   
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(@spino)
Active Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 8
 

Hey Potia,
I have to agree with Purple ,those two lines I thought were a bit weak.... maybe
" On the right side of diasaster" and although they are a bit clicheed/ cringy " Heart that can't dance/ A hearts lost chance...dunno ?
In verse 2 I'd flip lines 2&3... to me... it sounds better . Also, do you really need 4
choruses ? That's just me tho I 'm not too fond of excessive repetition unless it's really catchy ?


   
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(@misanthrope)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2261
 

The only thing I'd suggest is to replace "unfurl" with another word. It's a word that seems to only show up when someone wants a rhyme for "world" and in spite of that it's a pretty unwieldy word.
Bah! Programmers who know how to optimise in assembly language say 'unfurl'... and there's at least three of us left out there :mrgreen:

ChordsAndScales.co.uk - Guitar Chord/Scale Finder/Viewer


   
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