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Punish

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(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 83
Topic starter  

H! everyone,
I was watching The Pianist and came up with this. This is not a song but criticisms are still appreciated...

Punish

A sea of sad faces
with fear in their sadder eyes
waiting to be picked out
waiting to be butchered
they wield canes and guns
and a wicked mouth
to curse and spit
on their brothers
armbands to mark us
isn't a hollow walking dead
enough a sign
to let you choose your toy?
yes, they lock me up
to be carted away
to the slaughter house
my stop-over

There better be a god
for I'll comand him
to let them stay immortal
in the hell I shall build
I'll make bricks
from their bones
and with their guns
the scaffolding
and dig up all their words
to write nightmares
filled with their screams
in the eternal burning....

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
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(@sally45)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 56
 

alterego,

to be honest this poem makes me pretty depresed. I've never seen the movie the pianist but by the looks of it ..i'm gussing it's a comedy? :D
anyway...

for the lines

"A sea of sad faces
with fear in their sadder eyes"

I think it might sound better with a different word in place of "sadder" how about melancholy? mournful?dejected?dreary?downcast?greiving? dismal?...take your pick, i'm sure theres more but thats all I could come up with off the top of my head. I think that would be a great line if you just switch the word

and... on the lines
"isn't a hollow walking dead
enough a sign
to let you choose your toy?"
...maybe it's just me but I don't really get what you mean by these..would you mind explaining?

these 2 stanzas are pretty grim...idk not my style but that doesnt make them bad at all...just something I don't relate to. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Sally


   
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(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 83
Topic starter  

hey sally! thx for your comments. glad you liked it. i was fine with the "sadder" bit but now that you pointed it out, yeah, maybe i'll change it. well, the movie, the pianist, is about jewish persecution during the second world war in austria. its a true story and based on the survival of the proagonist who goes on to become a world famous pianist. it won the director roman polanski the oscar for the best director, adrien brody the best actor an dbasically swept the 2002 oscars. anyway, thats about the movie, this poem however, is just a very small effort from my part to be in the "victim's" shoes... i wanted to write a lot longer an detailed but left that for some other day...

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
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(@sally45)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 56
 

" wanted to write a lot longer an detailed but left that for some other day..."
I'm almost glad you didn't ...I would have had nitemares for a week lol.


   
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(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 83
Topic starter  

" wanted to write a lot longer an detailed but left that for some other day..."
I'm almost glad you didn't ...I would have had nitemares for a week lol.
:lol: yeah. maybe someday when i'm really down in dumps...

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

It's good stuff, dude. I don't think it'll ever make a song but it makes great reading anyway.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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(@nitetrapper)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 149
 

Hi my friend, Even tho I don't get into this stuff.I thought it was a very creative and wisely use of words. And I think if you play around with it a while it would make a cool song. good writing. Ken

lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores


   
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