Recant Lyrics

Hi Rachel

If I were writting this , it would be more like this , and I don't mean to offend just trying to guide you in a better direction lyrically ..

Everyday that passes by
Have you ever wondered why
Would that really be you if you did
And everyday that passes by,
Would you sit and wonder why ,

To recount those days and your fears,
Those lonely nights and all your tears
For its true love we all try to seek
Getting old doesn't mean getting weak

-----
Sorry I 'll look at the rest later , its' bed time for this ol boy who has never wondered why , you have the bones of a great song here

Trev...

Hi Rachel

I am in agreement with Hilch (or whatever his name is now :) ). You got the makings of something really good here. The thing that hits me though is the vagueness. Since your the one writing it, it might not seem so to you. But as a reader, I am having trouble understanding what is being talked about.
Everyday that passes by,
You have to wonder,
What could be if only you did that.

Did what and in the next part "why you didnt", didnt do what? When I read it I get feeling of a sad and moopy girl, regretting the past or regretting the decisions of someone else in the past. Which I think is what you are going for. But is there a way to combine that and make it more obvious what she is upset about?

I'm also having trouble seeing the structure. I cant tell what is a verse, chorus (Actually I think I figured that out), and so forth.

Its beautiful imagry. I think with a bit of tidying it up, it going to be really really cool.

Jim

lots to work with here. but i agree with the others in that it's a bit vague and here's why I think that is. change the song back to first person. I instead of you. This song is really about you isn't it? :-)))) If you do that I think you and the song will be well served. What do you think? That's what I think. See :-)))

I agree with the comments made by Trev, Jim and gram.

The structure, although vague, has the potential to be something really good, if it's tidied up a bit.

I think that Trev's suggestion of how to change the structure a bit does work, but it might also take away from what you are trying to convey with the song, so take that as a guide and find your own way to regulate the flow.

I know you said this is your first submission, but don't get discouraged by us lot saying make this change and that change - it's a good thing, trust me! :D

Pete

Don't worry! ;) definitely not discouraged. I just really needed a different view on it, which is something i can't provide easily xD

Barnabus, I actually really like the way you structured those lines. I think I'll change it to something similar to that. thanks so much for putting the time in to make that great critique! ^^

Geoo, I can see what you mean by vague. on the first verse, I was completely stumped on what to write. I hadn't gotten the feeling of the song at that time. after the last two lines of the chorus "Where is your middle ground to stand on? Is it even under your feet?" I finally was starting to grasp it. Then I didn't know quite yet as to how i would fix it up xD

Gram, I dn't really think changing it to first person would work. I was taking it from a character's POV (it was more inspired by some of my friends, tbh) and I think that is probably the way to keep it.
But the vagueness shall be fixed! haha.

Reincarnate, don't worry ;) I've been on a writing site since I was 11. I've had flaming comments as well. I don't take things personally like quite a few teens seem to these days. thank you for the concern though!
I actually quite liked where barnabus was going. it was similar in style to the second verse, which really caught me. I'll use it as a guideline for rewriting those areas if no one suggests an idea that catches me more ;)

Haha, I'll go back to working on it and repost it when finished for you guys to give it a lookover again (hopefully, not as vague this time! ;) ;) )

Rachel

Just remember its your song and its from your heart ..Not my song not my thoughts ..

Get a rhyme pattern consistantly through out the song like

ABBA = first and last line rhyme and the 2nd and 3 rd lines rhyme in your verses ..

For a bit of change so its a bit different the chorus might be

AA BB= 1st and 2nd line ryhme and the 3rd and 4th lines rhyme ..

Add a bridge which can really break up the song
Which might have 4 lines all ending with the same rhyme ...
Or 2 lines repeated over twice ..

I was about to do more on this but I see some of mates have offered you some really good advise .So I will wait for next posting on this ..

Some more advise either you can accept or disguard

Song writting by Barnabus Rox

1. Only write about things you know about
2. 1st writting of lyrics is a draft
3. Post draft for comments
4. Listen to comments but remember its your song
5. Alter where YOU believe it can be bettered
6. Come Join SSG on this site and get detailed replies from very talented writters ..

7. THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE HAVE FUN AND WRITE DOWN YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS EVERY DAY IN A DIARY , THIS WILL BECOME YOUR SONG BOOK IN THE FUTURE ..

Like I said before you have the bones of a beautiful song just play around with it .

Keep writting

Trevor :wink:

I'd have to agree that you should try to only write about your own life experiences.

I've tried writing "something else" that I haven't experienced myself, but something I've head about, or whatever. And it just doesn't work. There's nothing real about it. So I just stopped doing that all together. Right about your own life experiences.

I'm curious to hear your voice, as you've said you got a great voice. We have a lot of solid voices here on this board, but no "WOWZ!" voices.

And just remember you're only 16, as I am also, and don't put too much pressure on yourself to do the best in everything you write or sing. It's all a lengthy process.

Song writting by Barnabus Rox

1. Only write about things you know about
2. 1st writting of lyrics is a draft
3. Post draft for comments
4. Listen to comments but remember its your song
5. Alter where YOU believe it can be bettered
6. Come Join SSG on this site and get detailed replies from very talented writters ..

7. THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE HAVE FUN AND WRITE DOWN YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS EVERY DAY IN A DIARY , THIS WILL BECOME YOUR SONG BOOK IN THE FUTURE ..

I agree with everything in the Book of Hilch except #1 and by Kevins comment that might make me odd man out. Many times I have written about things that I dont really know about. They are right that it usually doesnt work but I learn something every time. Whether its a genre I am not comfortable with, a character I am not comfortable with, or a subject. I always learn.

Carry on.

Jim

There is a little miscommunication here people ..

I said " Only write about things you know " not about your life experiences ..

For all we know Racel might be a brilliant piano player but has never played in front of a crowd ..

So there for what I am saying in this context write about the learning process of playing / the enjoyment of playing and the why hasn't she played in front of a crowd . Not partically life experiences but
" What you know "

I know nothing thats why my songs are so bad :wink:

Life experiences=what you know IMO

Example
Charlie and Jack are both excellent writers, equal in talent.
-They both read "The Catcher in the Rye"
-Charlie says, "hey, I'm gonna write a song about that book. I loved the story."
-Jack says, "wow, I really relate to Holden*. I guess I'll write a song."
*Holden is the main character in that book

It's likely that Jack's song comes out much better than Charlie's song.

It doesn't really matter though. Sorry for my rambling.

haha, little debating going on! ;)

anyways.

I can't say i've ever lost anyone close (which i skim over in the bridgy line near the end, haha) but I'm very emotional on the topic, and my heart has to reach out to the people who have. empathic, you could say.
I put my imagination more to work and my feelings IF it ever happened to me, etc.

haha, no, if i had no clue what emotions i'd feel, looking back, thats when i wouldn't be writing about what i know.

Is that an accurate summation of what you all were trying to say? xD

haha -teasing-

I've written freewriting poems, and some ryhming poems, quite well. but whenever i've tried structure a song similarly to it, i start stumbling. Then this came out ^^

I'll be going through it tonight. probably post at 4am or something, haha. nighthawk.

haha, Barnabus: to illustrate your point, i'm an awful pianist, but I've performed monthly infront of 70 odd people. haha. ;)

Rachel ..

Just to make things a little easier for you try to write your song like this

Chorus

verse 1

verse 2

chorus

verse 3

verse 4

Bridge

Chorus

I have been looking at this song of yours again again and it is really beautiful and I would love to see it finished and written in a away that would be easy to play ..

{ Thats where I have friends here } I could get them to come up with a strum pattern and easy chord progression so you can play and sing it or even I could persuade someone else to play it for you ...

When you go to edit your song think of a tune in your head and let the song flow out ..Read some lyrics from ballads or love songs to get a feel for what you are writting ..

Of course all my ramlings are just my opions and canbe disgarded easily ...

Happy writting

Trev.. :wink: