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So I wrote the lyri...
 
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So I wrote the lyrics.

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(@maisie)
Eminent Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 11
Topic starter  

its called Just a Dream, well i'm not sure if its finished yet, to me it needs to be tweaked but hey, i'll leave that up to you. (:
I wrote this for my uncle who got diagnosed with cancer last year.

These words I will cry for you,
And you know its true
Searching the world, just to know your still here
breathing the same atmosphere.
My heart was hoping it'd all end,
but who was I kidding?
My heart was hoping there'd be a chance
My heart had hope
My heart had a dream

This was all just a nightmare,
Now, Life is a nightmare
The sour tears fall from the waterfall daddy calls my blue eyes.
And when your gone,
I hope you'll be drinking cider and smiling like you always do.

My heart was hoping this all was just a dream
Just a dream
Some day, I'll see you in my thoughts. I'll let you wander my mind
I'll let you make me cry
When I die,
I'll meet you in the castle in the sky.


   
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(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Well, let's start with some structure.

Verse 2 has five lines, two of which are very long. Verse 3 has six lines, one of which is very long. That means we can split some of the long lines in two and have two seven line verses. The first verse has 9 lines, so maybe you could use the last two lines as a chorus.

Then let's look at some rhythm. Can you talk it back to yourself over a one-two-three-four count? Or a one-two-three count? What I do at this point is take a walk, which produces a natural one-two rhythm, and talk the lines back to myself. No I don't get many funny looks.

Then, finally, let's give some thought about whether it's meant to rhyme or not.

And let us see what changes you make to it, if you make any. We like to see how things are developing.

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

There's some real good parts to this . . . . in fact . . . most of it.
I hope you go through with the song . . . I'm sure it will mean a lot to those around you.

It seemed a little awkward in one place. So I'm going to suggest changing two lines . . .
You started by saying you'll be crying . . . so you might want to continue that thought . .
These words I will cry for you,
And you know its true
Searching the world, just to know your still here
breathing the same atmosphere.
My heart was hoping it'd all end,
but who was I kidding?
Maybe use something like

My world is better for having you here
So forgive me if I shed a tear
or
I know you'll forgive me for shedding a tear

Keep us posted on how it goes.

KR2

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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(@maisie)
Eminent Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 11
Topic starter  

Thanks for the help, Yeah I'm gonna change those lines that were suggested and see what I can make out of it, I'm gonna start writing the music tuesday or at least starting the intro tonight.


   
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(@kroikey)
Reputable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 232
 

Its a great start! I've not wrote a single lyric, although I do have plans to. I'll be watching this thread with interest.
Good Luck! 8)


   
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