OK, I wrote these lyrics a while back and I've even recorded it (but haven't gotten a vocal take I like, so I can't post it). There's still something about the lyrics I'm just not happy with, I don't know what it is. I would love to get anyone's input, advice, criticism, whatever. What would you do to improve this song? (I'll even take "burn any copy of it and delete this posting")
Someone I'm Not
lyrics/music: Jeff Martin
Verse 1
Clutching at the tattered remains
of the love we once shared
Your words cut like shards of glass
Can't believe that I ever cared
Chorus
Drowning in your disdain
Our illusion of love was a prison
My life is complete, above your contempt
Can't be someone I'm not
Verse 2
I've veiled my mind
and shrouded my heart
Won't let you inside
I'll keep playing my part
Repeat Chorus
Bridge
I don't know what you want from me
But I know...you'll never get it
Solo
Chorus
Drowning in your disdain
Our illusion of life was a prison (slightly different from previous chorus, I screwed up while singing it and liked it)
My life is complete, above your contempt
Can't be someone I'm not
I'm trying to get the "feel" of this..."personal and stinging".
Verse 1
Holding the tattered remains (Clutching makes me think of actively reaching out..."holding" feels passive to me...not of your choice).
of the love we once shared
Your words cut like shards of glass
I can't believe that I ever cared ("I" makes it personal too me)
Chorus
Drowning in your disdain
The illusion of love was a prison (Our vs The...I think "The" makes me think that I once had vision of what our love should be...almost like saying My illusion of our love was a prison)
My life is complete, above your contempt
I can't be someone I'm not
I hope this helps...and is not autobiographical.
Ambition is the path to success...persistence is the vehicle you arrive in!!!
I hope this helps...and is not autobiographical.
Thanks, yes it does help. On adding "I" on the "Can't believe that I ever cared", I did have it there originally, but it was hard to sing. I'll try to stick it back in there. I like the other suggestions.
Yes, it is somewhat autobiographical, about my 2nd (ex)wife.
