Okay, first off...this all sounds a lot better with the music that I have for it, and I will try my best to do a rough recording of it. But I am curious to see what improvements people will have to suggest for the lyrics alone. Parts that I have in italics I am mainly focused on changing. Thank you so much! :)
Technicolor Girl
By Kevin O'Connor
I think I am falling in love
With this technicolor girl
And though it seems oh so soon
She makes me feel oh so free
It's kind of hard to explain how she makes me feel
But she just makes everything in this world seem so real
----Sorry, I...
I can't think of another line that'd make this love seem real
So, I'm just gonna be straight up with her
Might even have to sing her some Silly Love Song cliches
And I'm not Paul McCartney, but I'll tell her this isn't Yesterday
This love is here in my heart Today
Girl, I just know the first time I saw you
I couldn't help but notice that
Oh so lovely sparkle in ya eye
It made my heart fly high in the sky
Girl, I just know the next time I saw you
I couldn't help but feel that
Beautiful aura of colors coming from your soul.
You took a piece of my heart but now I feel whole.
(Repeat Twice)
I was never sure if I wanted to fall in love
But now that I'm falling this is the love I dreamed of
So I hope this music helps you see
What your technicolors are doing to me
[Music Interlude Section]
Please, the next time I see you
Wear a long multi-colored dress
And put some pretty flowers in your hair
Cause it helps make your eyes shine like the sun
Please, the next time I see you
Have that colorful smile drawn out on your face
I gotta feel like I'm in another place
Like when I found you in deep in outer space
(Repeat Twice)
Now I know what it is
I feel the love everywhere
And there she is coming to me
This love is gonna set us free
....so I said (second time through would add this lyric to last line)
I think red of your lips compliments the brown of your eyes
And the orange in the dress, the yellow glow upon your chest completes the rest
I've got to say the aura of colors make pretty easy for me to say
My beautiful technicolor girl...I love you
~~~~~
~~~~~
Thank you!
Kevin
Hey Kevin, nice to see you back and posting again. Even better than that, actually writing songs!
Plusses - quite a few. Well written, nice use of language, well laid out. Could be a long song - but 'cos I know you're a big Hendrix fan, I'm kinda reading it - and putting music to it, in my head - in a JH vein, and it's sounding pretty good.
Minuses - it's a little cliched, but hell, aren't all songs these days? It's a little dated - "put some flowers in your hair" belongs back in the 60's and should really stay back in the 60's forever, IMO. Seems like you're trying a little TOO hard for that JH vibe....
Buuuuuut....IF you get the right Hendrix-ish vibe to this it COULD just work - so, my friend, get busy and get recording - I'd love to hear what chords/lead you're gonna put to this. All the best, I think you've got the beginnings and the guts of a good song here - just be a little more self-critical.
Soooooo......c'mon Kev, time to put it on the line - turn on that recorder, and see what you can come up with! I wish you ALL the best mate....just HIT IT and GO FOR IT!!!! You'll ever know how good you can be otherwise....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hey Kevin, nice to see you back and posting again. Even better than that, actually writing songs!
Plusses - quite a few. Well written, nice use of language, well laid out. Could be a long song - but 'cos I know you're a big Hendrix fan, I'm kinda reading it - and putting music to it, in my head - in a JH vein, and it's sounding pretty good.
Minuses - it's a little cliched, but hell, aren't all songs these days? It's a little dated - "put some flowers in your hair" belongs back in the 60's and should really stay back in the 60's forever, IMO. Seems like you're trying a little TOO hard for that JH vibe....
Buuuuuut....IF you get the right Hendrix-ish vibe to this it COULD just work - so, my friend, get busy and get recording - I'd love to hear what chords/lead you're gonna put to this. All the best, I think you've got the beginnings and the guts of a good song here - just be a little more self-critical.
Soooooo......c'mon Kev, time to put it on the line - turn on that recorder, and see what you can come up with! I wish you ALL the best mate....just HIT IT and GO FOR IT!!!! You'll ever know how good you can be otherwise....
:D :D :D
Vic
Thanks Vic, yea, I'd like to be posting more frequently more often. Kind of "forgot" about the site the past year really...and just have been recently the past few weeks which I have been intending to be active here, lol!
And honestly, the song, musically, isn't like Hendrix at all really, well not the 'typical' Hendrix style people thing of...if anything at all, the more 'spacey'...Angel/Drifting/Hey Baby type of chords. :) I'll try to do a recording soon.
Yes, it's cliche for sure. When I had first written a rough draft of the song, it wasn't cliche at all...and I really didn't like it at all. Then I kind of went towards a more cliche angle...and the McCartney verse came to me (which I love), and I think it fits well really. It's very cliche but I guess cliche isn't always a bad thing if used correctly.
I know what you mean on the 'flowers in your hair line'...definitely is strictly a 60s thing, and honestly I wasn't going for the Hendrix type of deal with that line exactly, just going for the set up of the next line.
Thanks for the advice Vic...do you have any suggestions for some line/verse improvements? Especially the parts I have italicized.
Thanks. :D
Here's the updated version of this verse:
Old Verse-
Please, the next time I see you
Have that colorful smile drawn out on your face
I gotta feel like I'm in another place
Like when I found you in deep in outer space
New Verse-
Please, the next time I see you
Have that vivid smile drawn out on your face
Cause, ah, your starlight made me feel like I was in another place
When I looked to the stars and found you deep in outer space
~~~
Better? I think it's an improvement for sure.
It's an improvement....
buuuuuuuuuuuuut.......
Instead of pleading, try suggesting.....and playing around with the tenses...
Maybe, the next time I see you, you'll
Have that vivid smile drawn out on your face
Cause, ah, your starlight makes me feel like I'm in another place
When I look to the stars I'll find you deep in outer space.
Not a big change, but I can see where you're going with the story and think the change of tenses might work better, whilst keeping the mood. Still very difficult to get a handle on the rhythm of the song though, without music!
Kevin - record a demo. You might think it's crap - and it might well be. BUT - it's a start, and it'll give those of us who give a damn a starting point. I promise you, mate, all criticism will be constructive....."well, OK, it's not very good, BUT....there's something to build on there." Then again, it might be, "wow, mate, where have you been hiding!"
Everyone's first recordings are rubbish - but only by hearing that rubbish are people going to be able to point you in the right direction. Your first recording will be like dipping your toes in the water of your local swimming pool - you might not be able to swim, but there are people here who'll help you stay afloat....and there are no piranhas here! Give it a go mate, what have you got to lose? Have a little faith in yourself, and have a little faith in your ability....
All the best mate, and GO FOR IT!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Thanks again Vic for the reply and suggestions.
I'll definitely try to get a 'demo' recorded this weekend. I can't really sing well at all (it's another thing I need to practice)...but atleast you'll be able to get an idea on the rhythm, music and all that.
