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The Story Of A Singer

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P_Allen
(@p_allen)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 83
Topic starter  

Here is a song I've just this second wrote. But due to the fact that I wrote it in twenty minutes I will probably hate it tomorrow. I am trying to get back into songwriting and need all the help I can get.

Here it is.

**
The Story Of A singer

You came to me in summer
And you left me in the spring
(But) There were years before our parting
And the beauty of a ring

I'll never feel the moment
Of joy that you could bring
And i'll never have the courage
That made me want to sing

(You see) I used to be a singer
And a writer in my prime
(But) That left with you so long ago
(And now) I'll never find the reason or the rhyme

I woke up in the evening
Of a brand new century
All this talk of resolution
Made me think what used to be

So against my better judgement
'Cos i love you all the same
I ran my trembling fingers
Across the grooves that spell your name

(I said) i used to be a singer
When your arms were open wide
But now i see the wisdom
Of the tears that i have cried

I never will forget you
But immortalise in song
The story of the singer
And the fool that went so wrong

So now i am a singer
And the world can sing along
To my snapshot of disaster
And how it went from sorrow in to song

**

Your thoughts and comments appreciated.

Pete. :)

Why Do Other Peoples Shipbuilding When you Could Go Diving For Pearls Of Your Own?


   
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Alan Green
(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Schmalzy, slushy, chuck-bucket material.

Just kidding Pete - it's actually very good and a whole lot better than you think, even if you did just bang it out in twenty minutes. Dump some of the "But"'s and have a quick scoot over some of the line lengths and I think it'll work out just fine. It takes some serious effort to be able to write a really good misery song.

I can kinda hear it with a James Taylor kind of voice, and it brings Tommy Roe's old song "The Folk Singer" to mind.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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P_Allen
(@p_allen)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 83
Topic starter  

Okay it's been a good hour and really don't like it. I mean it's okay if you like that sort thing but it's bit lightweight - half of it doesn't make sense and the other half isn't worth bothering with.

I am, however, going to stick with it as I like the idea. Also I've been toying with a kind of storytelling thing for a while now. I might change the perspective... might.

I'll edit and repost.

Thanks for your comments Alan, I'll bear them in mind as I butcher this fell beast.

Pete. :)

Why Do Other Peoples Shipbuilding When you Could Go Diving For Pearls Of Your Own?


   
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Bish
 Bish
(@bish)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 3636
 

I dunno, P.

It really does sound good. I followed it without "stuttering" or having to reread a line.

I agree with AG's observations but I wouldn't go hacking on it too much.

I like it! I can relate 100%. :)

Bish

"I play live as playing dead is harder than it sounds!"


   
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