Ok, I havn't finished the whole song yet, and I know it still has a long ways to come, but here's what I have so far. It still nees a chorus and lots and lots of work, but I figured that I'd post the verses I had so far on here to see what you guys thought of them. Any tips or advice MUCH appreciated!!!!
Every time I look up at the sky
I see the stars shining so bright
Just like city on a cold dark night
It makes me wonder if you've ever glanced
At the stars miss what u have never had
A part of you that you cannot get back
I should be happy that I'm ok
No longer suffering from all the pain
You forced on me from your mistakes
But I still wonder what it would be like
If you could be here by my side
Just to help me dry these tears from my eyes
Hey, I really like what you have here so far.
As far as a chorus goes, I kinda like those first two verses....
I think they deserve to be repeated and would make a fine chorus with a bit of work.
The last two verses...
They are at odds with one another.
That is; the third verse says that he's okay,
and the fourth verse says that he's still crying about it.
The way it's written doesn't mesh well to me.
Although, having those divergent feelings is a possibility.
Tom Rush uses that to his advantage in his song 'No Regrets'.
In the chorus he says he has no regrets and doesn't want her back ~ yet all the verses would have you believe otherwise.
It's as if he's trying to put up a brave front. Or that he's lying to himself, or in denial. Maybe all of them.
I also don't know how personal this song is to you, I have to say though that I don't like the part about it being all the other
persons mistakes that caused you pain.
I think it would go over much better if it were mistakes that you both made.
And that you regret your mistakes in the relationship and wonder if they do also.
It would take on a more adult and grownup stance in that way.
Otherwise it seems a bit childish.
Like I said, I really like it so far and am looking forward to seeing it worked out.
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
Ok well, first of all, it's NOT a breakup song, it's more of just something I wrote about missing a member of our family and dealing with that kind of loss so if it kinda rubs off as being a breakup song, just know that thats not exactly what I had in mind but thank you Ken for your advise on it :D
Well, that does bring it into focus a bit more.
I still like the first two verses as a chorus.
I think now, if you want it to be more specific, and not thought of as a breakup song....
There's the direction your next verses could possibly take.
For me - somebody like that in my life was my Father.
I felt the pain of all his mistakes - Though I have realized that it wasn't entirely his fault and have recently forgiven him
and let go of all of that 'baggage'.
I don't know what your relationship was with this person, I'm still left puzzled by the third verse though.
And with the 4th verse, seems to bounce back and fourth between feelings.
Like I said, you can feel that way, maybe just explain it and/or why you feel that way a bit more.
Just my opinion...
Yer doin' great,
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
