k, so here is my newest song i just wrote, it took me like a week to come up with this so at least be nice and read it, and respond with something.
Untitled
The night begins,
As she's walking down the stairs,
He can't breathe,
All he does is glare,
At the beauty in her smile,
He can't help but wonder,
If this lasts for awhile,
Will he be taken under…
In the beauty of her,
In the night as they both,
Grow younger,
He can't sleep,
As he lies awake,
In his dreams…
Of mountains folding,
Underneath their feet,
Dreams are calling, as,
She dances to the beat,
In a nylon gown,
Flowing with beauty and grace,
Tears are streaming,
Walking down his face…
As she lets him go,
He doesn't understand,
Oh, no,
He can't sleep,
As he lies awake,
In his dreams…
As she calls his name,
He can't hear her,
As he's drifting away,
Love can take it all,
As she holds,
His heart, in a locket calling…
As she lets him go,
He doesn't understand,
Where did their love go,
He can't sleep,
As he lies awake,
In his dreams,
Time goes by,
All they do is cry,
Love has let them… go…
(I know what your thinking now, blah, blah, blah, mushy love song, but the lyrics have meaning to them, at least i think so don't just read it then not say anything please!!!!!!!!) also in the verse its got a faster darker tempo than the chorus, so that gives you sort of a way to read it.
Nice structre, nice flow. I liked the opening scene as it contrasts to the final scene.
However, as always, I have trouble with a few of the lines:
All he does is glare,
The word "glare" implies anger ( http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=glare ). I'm guessing that's not what you were going for.
Dreams are calling, as she dances to the beat,
Sorry. This just screams "rhyme grab."
Walking down his face…
I really like that you've tried something different with tears here, but I just can't put "walking" with "tears" in my mind.
On the other hand, I really liked these:
If this lasts for awhile,
Will he be taken under
Good stuff.
Of mountains folding,
Underneath their feet
Awesome, over-the-top imagery here. John Donne would be so proud of you. I'd love to see some more of that in this song.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
ya there is a rhyme grab there, i was hoping someone could give me something else for there, i guess i'll have to keep trying. thanks for replying.
