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(@guerillacharlie)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 29
Topic starter  

This song i basicly wrote about the end of the world, and a man and a woman, who are strangers try to comfort one another. The man then realizes that he has taken things in life for granite (how do you spell that?) through noticing the womans beauty. Im a to writing songs, this is my third that i have finished, and the first i am somewhat happy with. If you can think of a title please mention it.

Here we stand clutching hands,
Yet we dont know each other.
People hurry by, some just cry,
My heart lets out a sigh.

Some just stand, like you and I,
Holding one another.
Your eyes met mine, and i wonder why,
We never knew each other.

A pretty girl, a gorgeous face,
That i couldnt see before.
I begin to cry, you dry my eyes,
My emotions swirl and soar.

"I could have loved you"
I hold you tighter, "But now it doesnt matter"
You smile wide and kiss me.
She smiled wide, and kissed me.

Thanks for taking your time to read it, any suggestions and constructive criticism is very welcome since i am so new.

Peace 8)


   
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(@aerynk-mcavan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 33
 

Very good lyrics!
Aeryn K. McAvan

You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
Life is not about what I've done, what I should've done, what I could've done. Its about what I can do and what I will do.


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey GuerillaCharlie,

I agree with Aeryn... good lyrics. Keep writing.

My concern is that for your song needs almost as much text to explain where you're coming from as there is text contained in the song itself. I think it would have stood alone without your intro.

However, if you do want to make it about the end of the world, I have another problem... that's something that none of us can relate to directly, since none of us have seen the end of the world except in movies.

Maybe you can use your scenario as a metaphore for something that we can relate to. For example, many people will find themselves in a situation where they are have a friends who wishes to be more than just friends, but where the feeling is not reciprocated. Bruce Cockburn wrote a song about the end of the world, but it was to examine a current relationship.

I guess what I'm saying is that you have a powerful vehicle here to make a profound point, if you're willing to push it a little further. Well done.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@guerillacharlie)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 29
Topic starter  

Thanks Slow. I agreed after i posted it, i was like "well i could have let them try to figure it out then selfs". Yes i dont know weather i ment it figuratively or literally... But then again i find it intriguing cause i was thinking i have no clue what the end of the world would feel like, but im sure i would start missing what i could have done. Its a fickle piece to cover. Thank you both so far for your comments


   
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(@lostbeggining)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 197
 

wow...really like this song....not much i can say improvement-wise.....This song was very emotional...you didnt even need to explain the song for us to understand its meaning and power which is a very very good skill.......i like the rhyme scheme to....although it was hard to grasp at first i think it fits well with the song subject..........

Definetly keep it up!!

NeM H

Rain Shadow


   
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(@nitetrapper)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 149
 

Very well written but as been said the lyric almost needs an explanation before it is read or sang. Which I think could be cured with one verse in the begenning or end. Good writing Ken........

lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores


   
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