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First song - thoughts appreciated!

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(@aurora)
Posts: 38
Trusted Member
Topic starter
 

Hi guys - well, it's a bit embarrassing posting this since I am so new and it won't sound one-tenth as good as most of the stuff on here, but hey, I've gotta start somewhere. I'd like to hear what you have to say about my first original song. Wrote it for my hubby and finally played it for him a few days ago.

Keep in mind, it's very rough - just using the built-in computer microphone, so it sounds a little tinny and "plunky," if I may make up a word, not to mention there are cars going by which doesn't help! I tried about 50 times to get a recording without mistakes but couldn't do it, so this is as good as it's gonna get for now. :)

As far as the lyrics and the song structure go, it's pretty formulaic, no big surprises. Any constructive feedback is appreciated - thanks!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1269848&songID=11888838

A guitar has moonlight in it. ~ James M. Cain

 
Posted : 21/09/2012 6:20 pm
(@s1120)
Posts: 848
Prominent Member
 

"clap clap"

Very nice!!! I know you say that it is pretty formulaic, no big surprises...but its cool. I like the simple musical statement of love it shows. Very upbeat and fun. I enjoy your style. I like the fun phrasing. I dont know what your goals are with music.. But I gotta say I would have no problem sitting through a set at a coffee shop or somwere.

Paul B

 
Posted : 22/09/2012 8:56 am
(@aurora)
Posts: 38
Trusted Member
Topic starter
 

Wow, that is really nice of you to say. Thanks so much for the feedback!

I don't have any goals other than to play and sing for my own enjoyment and (hopefully) that of family and friends. I'm not destined for greatness but I'm fine with that. :-)

Thanks again!

A guitar has moonlight in it. ~ James M. Cain

 
Posted : 22/09/2012 10:39 pm
(@hobson)
Posts: 794
Noble Member
 

Nice song. The accompaniment could use some variety, but you wouldn't want to make it too complex on this song.

Your singing is very good. You have a beautiful voice. You're right on pitch, even with some difficult intervals. You sound relaxed and controlled, yet expressive.

Don't worry about needing to do several takes before you get it right. It gets easier, but it will almost always take a few tries before you're happy with what you record.

Consider changing the second line from "Just you and me and us" to "Just you and me, just us."

My personal opinion is that there are too many different metaphors in this one verse:

It's not like we had sunshine always
we had our share of rain
climbing separate mountains sometimes
or on a different train

Renee

 
Posted : 23/09/2012 3:48 pm
(@aurora)
Posts: 38
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Topic starter
 

That is some solid feedback, thank you. You are right about the metaphors for sure, hadn't thought about that, but now that you say it, it is a bit much. Definitely going to give that some thought.

I really appreciate your taking the time to give input, so grateful to both of you! :)

A guitar has moonlight in it. ~ James M. Cain

 
Posted : 23/09/2012 11:11 pm
(@aurora)
Posts: 38
Trusted Member
Topic starter
 

I've been thinking about that verse and came up with this, sticking to one metaphor throughout.

It's not like we had sunshine always
There were umbrella years
When all we felt was inside out
No shelter from the tears

A guitar has moonlight in it. ~ James M. Cain

 
Posted : 24/09/2012 5:15 pm
(@hobson)
Posts: 794
Noble Member
 

I like the new verse. Don't throw away the old one. Those were good lines that could be used in another song or two.

Renee

 
Posted : 26/09/2012 4:17 pm
(@ezraplaysezra)
Posts: 484
Honorable Member
 

You need a lot of work on your playing - but luckily that is the easy part. Guitar can be learned but, you're singing and song writing is natural and very very good. Your voice is very good and very good for the music you write. I'd hire you, no doubt. Keep working at that guitar.

 
Posted : 26/09/2012 4:40 pm
(@aurora)
Posts: 38
Trusted Member
Topic starter
 

Thanks, Renee. I put the old verse in my "scraps of songs" file.

Thank you, Ezra, for your input! I agree, I need LOTS of practice. :-) I wish I had started when I was younger, but better late than never! I appreciate your kind words.

A guitar has moonlight in it. ~ James M. Cain

 
Posted : 26/09/2012 7:17 pm
 cnev
(@cnev)
Posts: 4459
Famed Member
 

Very nice

"It's all about stickin it to the man!"
It's a long way to the top if you want to rock n roll!

 
Posted : 28/09/2012 5:36 pm
(@trguitar)
Posts: 3709
Famed Member
 

You got the voice. The guitar will come with time. 8)

"Work hard, rock hard, eat hard, sleep hard,
grow big, wear glasses if you need 'em."
-- The Webb Wilder Credo --

 
Posted : 28/09/2012 6:25 pm
(@aurora)
Posts: 38
Trusted Member
Topic starter
 

Thanks!

A guitar has moonlight in it. ~ James M. Cain

 
Posted : 28/09/2012 7:27 pm