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Lava Man
(@lava-man)
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Unreleased Jimmy Page Guitar Riff To Be Retrieved From Secret Vault To Save Rock And Roll
The Onion | March 5, 2007 | Issue 43•10

GWYNEDD, WALES—Calling it the planet's last, best hope for saving rock music, the Guardians of the Protectorate of Rock announced Monday that they would take the extraordinary step of unleashing a never-before-heard Jimmy Page riff, hidden for decades in a mythic, impenetrable vault.

"We who believe in the immortality of rock took a vow 30 years ago that we would never release this incredibly powerful force unless we faced a Day of Reckoning—and that day has come," said Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi, one of the chosen few who helped forge the Secret Vault to Save Rock and Roll, at a press conference in the Welsh highlands. "Just look at the pop charts, and you shall know I speak the truth."

"Let's give rock and roll its ****ing balls back," he added.

The Guardians said recent developments in the music world, such as the unaccountable popularity of the Dixie Chicks and Sufjan Stevens, have created a "perfect storm of lameness" from which rock might never recover. While Iommi refused to say when the vault would be opened, hard rock sources believe it will take place just prior to next month's Fall Out Boy–Honda Civic tour, which many fear will suck the remaining lifeblood from all that still rocks.

"Citizens of Rock, we refuse to stand idly by any longer," ZZ Top founder and Protectorate High Elder Billy Gibbons said. "When a puss like James Blunt is allowed to rule the airwaves, we must respond by exposing this monster riff, and blowing minds into the stratosphere."

The Protectorate, devoted to the preservation of badass jams and blistering guitar solos, was reportedly formed in the 1970s during the rise of adult contemporary music. According to legend, the riff, played only once by Page and recorded on a special cobalt record, contains the raw power, mind-blowing skill, and unbridled passion of all the Guardians combined. Recently translated parchments from the era describe it as a soul-searing power-chord progression faintly resembling a cross between "Smoke On The Water" and "Living Loving Maid," but "basically defying all description."

It is believed that, upon the riff's release, even those who claim that the genre is dead will have no choice but to pump their fists, bang their heads, and bow down to the gods of rock for all eternity.

"May God have mercy on our souls for what we are going to set loose upon the world," proclaimed Queen guitarist Brian May, dressed in druidic robes and bathed in the rising blue smoke of a nearby fog machine. "Will it save rock or destroy mankind? We have no way of knowing—yet we have no other choice."

Members of the Protectorate were each given only partial information about the location of the vault, which they were instructed to open in unison only in the event of a total Rockopalypse. While some believed the vault was buried in Boston, Chicago, Kansas, Europe, or Asia, others claimed it could be found in the Court of the Crimson King.

However, after piecing together clues hidden in Yes album covers and Pink Floyd liner notes, rock historians now believe the riff is locked away deep beneath the Welsh countryside house known as Bron-Yr-Aur, at rock-grid coordinates SH735026. British weather satellites have also photographed an enormous cloud, shaped like a hybrid of an upside-down question mark and cross, forming above these exact coordinates.

The vault's Key, regarded as too staggering a burden for any one man to bear, was divided in two parts, with half entrusted to Eddie Van Halen and half to David Lee Roth, shortly after Roth left the rock supergroup Van Halen. The two men, who have refused to work together for 20 years, recently announced plans for a historic reunion tour.

"Before we shake Heaven and Earth with the vicious power of this riff, we of the High Council of Elders of the Guardians of the Protectorate of Rock ask you: Are you about to rock?" AC/DC guitarist Angus Young said. "If so, we salute you."

When asked to comment on the possible dangers of using the riff, Sir Paul McCartney seemed surprised.

"There's a secret vault to save rock and roll?" McCartney said. "This is the first I've heard of it."

Lava Man
http://www.lavacable.com


   
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Anonymous
(@anonymous)
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LET THE RIF LOOSE...before it's to late!!!!


   
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TimeZone
(@timezone)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 205
 

Indeed! It is about darn time. I have been lobbying the Protectorate to release this riff for the past three years or so. Unfortunately, I have less sway with the Protectorate than even Sir Paul, it seems. :lol:

TZ


   
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Kevin72790
(@kevin72790)
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You people do realize theonion.com is a parody site, right?


   
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gnease
(@gnease)
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You people do realize theonion.com is a parody site, right?

Admit it: You shout warnings to the characters on the movie screen. :wink:

-=tension & release=-


   
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ballybiker
(@ballybiker)
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You people do realize theonion.com is a parody site, right?

Admit it: You shout warnings to the characters on the movie screen. :wink:

irony .....word of the day 8)

what did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?....

Drool

http://www.myspace.com/ballybiker


   
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satchmo
(@satchmo)
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where do you buy your drugs from? :lol:


   
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Taso
 Taso
(@taso)
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You people do realize theonion.com is a parody site, right?

Admit it: You shout warnings to the characters on the movie screen. :wink:

hahah.

http://taso.dmusic.com/music/


   
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Kevin72790
(@kevin72790)
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Posts: 837
 

You people do realize theonion.com is a parody site, right?

Admit it: You shout warnings to the characters on the movie screen. :wink:
Nope.


   
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Oenyaw
(@oenyaw)
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What screen? :shock:

Brain-cleansing music for brain-numbing times in a brain dead world
http://www.oenyaw.com


   
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iraesq
(@iraesq)
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That's classic Onion...funny and dead on.

Here is one of my favorite rock-related Onion pieces from many years ago, which suddenly has a new context in light of the Police reunion tour:

***********************************

You Know, I Used To Be Kind Of Cool Once

By Sting
April 21, 1999 | Issue 35•15

You know how, every so often, something you haven't thought about in the longest time will just sort of pop up out of nowhere, and all of a sudden you're like, "Hey... Wait a minute"? Well, that happened to me last week, when it occurred to me that I actually used to sort of be cool once.

I guess, like everybody else, I've gotten used to thinking of myself as, you know, one of those guys on VH1. Some vaguely "adult contemporary" artist like Billy Joel or Elton John or somebody. The sort of musician you'd find your dad listening to or hear really quietly in the background at the bank. I mean, "cool" is the last thing I'd normally think of myself as being.

Looking at it now, who would think that the composer of "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You" used to be cool? Sounds crazy, huh? It seems ridiculous, but it's true. I was kind of hip, in a way, if you think about it.

Isn't that just so weird?

It hit me the other day, and it was like, "Whoa—that's so bizarre." I was sitting at one of my pianos, working out some chords for my forthcoming album The Tepid Heart, when the wife asked me to pick up some diet soda. Since the staff was off (it was a Sunday), and the kids were due home from football practice soon, I said sure and drove down to the cornershop.

When I got there, the kid behind the counter had a tape playing that sounded oddly familiar. It wasn't really my cup of tea—polyrhythmic and uptempo, with intense emotional energy and electrically amplified guitars instead of acoustic. And the kid was, to be honest, playing it a bit loud. But instead of being annoyed, I found it compelling in a weird sort of way. When I asked the kid who it was, he said he'd found it in a bag of stuff that used to belong to his older brother. "It's old, but I like it," he said. "It's kind of reggae, but it sounds punk, too."

Well, several weeks went by, but it kept nagging at me. Then, finally, last Thursday, I figured it out. I was in the den, watching some figure skating on TV and reading Parade. (Isn't it funny how these things always hit you at the oddest times?) Anyway, there was an article about a policewoman who volunteers teaching schoolchildren about pet safety, when suddenly, it clicked: That kid was listening to Outlandos d'Amour, the first record by my old band, The Police!

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wow... I haven't thought about The Police in years." And neither had I, but you know what? It sounds nothing like what you'd expect after hearing "Fields Of Gold." At first, I thought, "Wait... Is this just my memory playing tricks on me? I mean, I recorded the love theme from The Three Musketeers with Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart, for Christ's sake. How cool could I possibly be?" But then I dusted off a bunch of the old LPs and, boy, was I amazed. Those records were actually pretty rockin'! You wouldn't think that kind of stuff would come from me, but, hey, the opening track, "Next To You"? Come on! And the rest of the album, too: "So Lonely," "Born In the '50s," and you've got to admit that "Sally Be My Girl" is one cool song. I was like, "Did I write this stuff? No way!"

Come to think of it, I did lots of cool things back then. Sure, now we all think of me as starring in duds like The Bride, but I was in Quadrophenia, too. Heck, I was even in Urgh! A Music War. Remember that one? I'd totally forgotten until now. Man, I used to watch that on USA Network's Night Flight back in the '80s, and I just thought it was so awesome. It had X and Devo back when they were really punk. Even the Go-Go's were hardcore in that show! Shit, man, things sure do change.

And it wasn't just the early years. The whole Police catalog was pretty cool. I mean, the chorus on that one song, what was it, "My wife has burned the scrambled eggs / The dog just bit my leg / My teenage daughter ran away / My fine young son has turned out gay"? That one actually had the mosh-pit kids slamming. Can you believe it? Teenagers, moshing to me of all people! Sure, nowadays, most people think of "(Don't Stand So) Close To Me" as a deodorant commercial, but at the time, it was pretty out there, what with the whole Nabokov-pedophilia thing.

I know the idea of me being cool doesn't seem to make sense (it didn't to me at first, either), but just listen to those albums. Even Synchronicity isn't bad, and I didn't start really laming out until "(Don't Stand So) Close To Me '86." Go figure, I guess.

Then again, Eric Clapton, of "Tears In Heaven" fame, really used to tear it up, too, come to think of it. Or, hell, just take Paul Westerberg. Now there's one to ponder.

Makes you wonder, you know? I mean, I guess it just really goes to show you.


   
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