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I wrote this

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(@cru5h)
Active Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 3
Topic starter  

Hello, this is my first post, I just stumbled upon the site.
Anyway, I wrote the lyrics and chords to this, a friend produced it for me,
he added drum samples, his bass line, and some fx.

Others may have a completely different opinion of this song,
but I listen to it quite often,
and I feel as though it has the potential to be a powerful, moving song.

http://soundcloud.com/jtkanusek/justin-take-me-away

I also have a 9 min jam of this song with some friends, it gets rocked out, if anyone is interested.

cheers


   
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(@blue-jay)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 1630
 

It's very good and I like it, but we have to see it the way the "world" or the consumers and fans would see it, don't get me wrong. I am just being frank, and it is also my opinion, but I am a songwriter too, and so I often share my blunt insights.

You are going up against an over-the-top professional RHCP song, namely "Californication" although you didn't say so. It just stuck itself right out, as soon as I turned it on. But I also got really into the vibe and the positive funkiness. And also, near the end, you can't actually drop the F bomb in a mainstream song. We have to think of junior listeners and censorship.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlUKcNNmywk umm... this song is kind of risquee already?

Anyhow, you could polish it up and make a go of it. It's a good song and very well played & appealing to the basic senses. :wink:

Like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.


   
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(@cru5h)
Active Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 3
Topic starter  

I really appreciate your comment Blue Jay, it's funny that your the second person to directly identify it to californication. Though I don't exactly see the resemblance.
I've been playing guitar for 5 years or so & just started singing,
I'm primarily self taught, my strumming patterns tend to get kinda uniform while I'm strugglin' to stay on beat :P

I'm going to clean it up, I've already changed a few lyrics to make it more of a positive image.
But I'm definitely trying to something all my own, ya know? The fact that it sounds like RHCP, is merely coincidental.

Anyway, back to the drawing board.
Peace!


   
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(@blue-jay)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 1630
 

That's cool man. 8)

Like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.


   
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(@marshallsongs)
New Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 1
 

This is a singing forum, right? So I'll comment on the singing.

You've got a nice interesting voice. There's a lazy comfortable sound to it. Very Chiliperpperish. But I'd say you need to be more concerned with pitch. You're a little off and lazy sounding in spots. Pitch does not need to be perfect for a good vocal. But it needs to be purposeful and expressive.

In recording you can do "Comping" tracks that will allow you to go through phrase by phrase and pick the best performance you have for each phrase. That is if you're working towards a final recording. If all you're looking for is performance comments then a single take is the best way to solicit comments.

I'd say you need to work on control and expression some. But you've got a great sound to start with.


   
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(@cru5h)
Active Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 3
Topic starter  

Your spot on Marshall, I thank you for your comment. I am definitely still experimenting with my vocal chords & exercising control.
But the answer you gave was the exact one I was looking for, I just wanted to get a baseline for my voice & get some feedback from other musicians.
I'd be happy to record an acoustic version if you'd like to hear where I'm at now, and what I sound like on the fly.

Thx again for the honesty!


   
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(@peaveyusa)
Estimable Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 75
 

Thats Chris Daugthry meets Anthony Kitas! Excelent!


   
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(@lpcreation)
Eminent Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 14
 

I thought it was a pretty good song and it resembled something that I couldn't quite put my finger on until I read the Californication comment. I agree with that. I wouldn't take that as a knock at all.......you obviously weren't copying it and it's tough to write anything truly original anymore.

As far as the singing, I thought it was pretty good. A couple parts it sounded like you were floating around notes trying to find the pitch, but it wasn't ear cringingly bad or anything at all. I have the same problem, probably to a bigger extent.

Nice job!


   
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(@grobi)
Active Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 6
 

NIce song! Maybe a bit RHCPish, yes, but that is not a problem. :)


   
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