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please comment on this poem

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(@boy_with_many_sides)
New Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1
Topic starter  

hey, this is the first piece that i have put on guitarnoise and i am hoping people will comment on it. Sorry its not really a songish thing but i know alot of people go to this singing page and i really want to know what people think of my stuff. So please feel free to tell me if you think it sucks or whatever, i really want critisism, good or bad. thanks. So anyway, i get an amaizing feeling when i am by the ocean and this is a poem i wrote while sitting on some rocks at the beach about some of those feelings.

Her steady rhythm fills my ears.
Although it is far from tame, it is somehow soothing;
a tune a mother hums to her child.

Her normally forceful icy Blue fingers gently caress Mother Earth,
and yet,
evidence of her past rage is apparent.
Her breath touches my face.
It is cold, and crisp, and her lackadaisical patrons play upon it.

But not I.
I sit,
awed by her majestic beauty, mesmerized by her mystique, enticed by the sound and the sight and the glory of the sea.


   
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(@raskolnikov)
Active Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 4
 

Try taking out unnecessary descriptive words which can lead to a poem being a bit melodramatic. get straight to the point is basically what i mean. the modern reader is usually lazy...sad but true. anyway here's what i would do different...but if you hate it feel free to pretend like you never read any of this :lol: all that said i like the poem.

Her steady rhythm fills my ears.
Although not tame, it is soothing;
like a mother humming to her child.

Her icy Blue fingers caress Mother Earth,
and yet,
evidence of her rage is apparent.
Her breath touches my face.
It is cold, crisp, and her lackadaisical patrons play upon it.

But not I.
I sit,
awed by majestic beauty, mesmerized by mystique, enticed by the sound and the sight of the glory of the sea.


   
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 cnev
(@cnev)
Famed Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 4459
 

I don't have much to say about the words per se but for some reason I get the feeling this would be a cool spoken word intro into a song as the speaker gets to the "glory of the sea" the band can come in with some screaming guitars or something.

Now all you have to do is write the song.

"It's all about stickin it to the man!"
It's a long way to the top if you want to rock n roll!


   
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(@rahul)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2736
 

+1 on what Cnev said.

It 'sounds' similar to the spoken part in 'Holiday' by Green Day.

Btw, Welcome to GN. :)

And I am curious, what are your many sides...


   
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