Ok, here goes. The first two that leapt out at me. Couldnt resist having a go at the Killers from Space. Contrasted that with a more sober take on Short Cut.
Raystrack – Taking a Short Cut
(Ballad)
Taking a short cut
Can be the longest way
Think you know the road, but
You get hurt at the end of the day
David Hodge – Killers from Space
(Manic Punk-rock style)
Killers from space, Killers from space
There here, there here, they're in ya face
Run, run, better move faster
Before they zap u with their ghetto blaster
Killers from space, Killers from space
They found us first, they won the race
Found life on earth, they're on a raid
For the inter-galactic slave trade.
Ola
“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh
Hi Ola
And welcome back! Good to see you're keeping up with the latest arc of assignments.
I think Taking A Short Cut starts well but the last line seems a little awkward. Maybe tightening it up a bit might help:
Taking a short cut
Can be the longest way
Think you know the road
But you're lost by the end of the day
That's not the greatest, either! :wink: I'll try to do better as I'm writing up all these critiques (not to mention hopefully my own choruses) in the next two days.
And I thought Killers From Space came out nicely. I can hear this one in my head already and when I wrote the title I had absolutely no ideas whatsoever...
The only quibble is with "ghetto blaster" - maybe "death ray blaster" is a little cheesier.
Looking forward to more.
Peace
Hi,
Raystrack – Taking a Short Cut
(Ballad)
Taking a short cut
Can be the longest way
Think you know the road, but
You get hurt at the end of the day
Good theme, and hits the spot as being the right style for a chorus too. :D Great opening lines, but as David said, the second half need a bit of polish.
David Hodge – Killers from Space
(Manic Punk-rock style)
Killers from space, Killers from space
There here, there here, they're in ya face
Run, run, better move faster
Before they zap u with their ghetto blaster
Killers from space, Killers from space
They found us first, they won the race
Found life on earth, they're on a raid
For the inter-galactic slave trade.
I liked "in ya face" to go with "space". :D
Ghetto blaster had me on the wrong track too. It usually refers to big loud portable radios, so I got a flash of punk types killing my 'personal space' with their blasters. :wink: So I guess I'd also go with something like "Before you get zapped by a death ray blaster".
I liked the idea of a punch line at the end suggesting that humans (who tend to think the universe was created expressly for them) might end up merely as inter-galactic slave trade fodder. I liked the bit about them finding us first and winning the race, but the final two lines didn't quite do it for me. Maybe I just couldn't pick up on the rhythm you had in mind for the words? Especially with a chorus, the last part is what sticks most, so polishing up the finish would probably pay dividends.
Good work. :)
Cheers,
Chris
Good points.
‘Starts well but finishes poorly‘ - brings back memories of my school reports, come to think of it an old girlfriend of mine used to say that :wink:
I need to tweak the end of both of them. I will go out and drink some bottled inspiration & see what I can do.
Yeh, the ghetto blaster bit I thought about. I was trying to be a bit too clever (visualise a ray gun blasting the hell out of a downtown ghetto) but it doesnt work.
and I see what u mean - the intergalactic line doesnt scan well.
OK back to the drawing board (or key board) for a bit of re-tuning.
Thanks for the comments
Ola
“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh
