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Freedom Bridge - SSG Week 34

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duffmaster
(@duffmaster)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 848
Topic starter  

Everyone gather round
I've got a bit to explain
Cause you ain't paid attention
During the atomic reign

The world is run by money
The rich destroy the poor
If you can't even feed your family
Then what is there to live for?

You walk the bridge to freedom
You pay the massive toll
You walk the bridge to freedom
Then you burn freedom at my door
You walk the bridge to freedom
You pay your golden token
You walk the bridge to freedom
And you blow our pockets open

The gas is pouring
The oil is flowing
The money is rolling
and the poor are getting poorer

Pursuit of happiness
has become an escape from pursuit
We're all afraid
Of the man in a suit

You walk the bridge to freedom
You pay the massive toll
You walk the bridge to freedom
Then you burn freedom at my door
You walk the bridge to freedom
You pay your golden token
You walk the bridge to freedom
And you blow our pockets open

Theres no money for food
Theres no money for shelter
Theres no time for love
When things come to push and shove

The man has got ya
The man has got ya
He's always been there
But no one told you beware

You walk the bridge to freedom
You pay the massive toll
You walk the bridge to freedom
Then you burn freedom at my door
You walk the bridge to freedom
You pay your golden token
You walk the bridge to freedom
And you blow our pockets open

Screw the money
Screw the food
Screw the rich man
He's a dead man soon

Screw the children
Screw the old
Screw the needy
No one cares no mo'

Screw the money
Screw the food
Screw the rich man
He's a dead man soon

Screw the children
Screw the old
Screw the needy
No one cares no mo'

Well thats what I have for this week
I've been a RATM groove for the past week or so and this song came out pretty randomly, and I like it. All I need is three good riffs, one for the chorus, one for verses, and one for the out. I realize that you some of the lines won't make sence, but I picture it as very rappy, like RATM's music, and it all went through my head and it all fits right. Comments greatly appreciated.

Who needs a signature?
I mean really...
It's almost always lyrics...
or a cliche...
or garbage about me...
Lets just save YOU from the pain, ok?


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Duffmaster
I think this is a very good song, I like it a lot. I have a couple of comments though, bear in mind that I don't particularly like rap so I'm looking at this song from a more traditional perspective. As a rap song it may be fine. The rhyme scheme in v1 & v2 is abcb but v3 is not V4 is. V5 & V6 are different again so you might have an issue when you put it to music ( as rap maybe not ).
I like what you've got going in the chorus but, I find it odd that someone can walk the bridge after its been burnt. Id like to offer a slight tweak if that's ok.

You walk the bridge to freedom
And pay the massive toll
You walk the bridge to freedom
And burn it at my door
And now you talk new bridges
And initiatives of peace
While we sit among the ashes
And suffer with our grief

Overall I think you've done a great job here

Cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

wow, DM, good powerful "protest song" - I like it a lot!

Just a couple of little niggles.....

in the first verse,

"What's the use in living for" doesn't make sense grammatically "What are we living for? would make more sense....

"You walk the bridge to freedom
And then you burn it at my door "......

Sounds like I've picked up the bridge, carried it all the way to your house and then set fire to it....maybe "Then spurn freedom at my door" might work better? Just a suggestion for a quick fix....you may come up with something better....

and then

"Were all afraid
Of the man in a suite"

I couldn't get a handle on this at all, until I realised you meant "we're" - not were.....and suite should be suit......

That's just sloppy presentation - don't think I'm having a go at you, I'm not - but it would be a LOT easier to read some of these songs if a little more care was taken with presentation, spelling and grammar - just read through your post after you've finished typing, check for errors....that applies to a LOT of people - OK, it's probably me being over-fussy but to me, first impressions are important.....

Other than those couple of little typos, I think you've got a really powerful anti-establishment song here - I can hear echoes of Dylan and John Fogerty in there, and they are two of my all-time heroes, so you're definitely doing something right!!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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duffmaster
(@duffmaster)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 848
Topic starter  

Thanks for the response so far.

I proof read everything twice, and I just got a 94 on my english regents, so I know how to proof read. But sometimes, expecially right after drivers ed lectures, our grammer slips a bit.

Please note the changes.

Who needs a signature?
I mean really...
It's almost always lyrics...
or a cliche...
or garbage about me...
Lets just save YOU from the pain, ok?


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Changes duly noted, reads better now - like the way you fixed the odd line or two which needed tweaking as well. Any chance of you recording this? I for one would like to hear it - I think you've got a really good song here.....although (and I agree with PBee on this) I can't really hear it done as a rap song - I think it would work well as a kind of metal ballad.....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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duffmaster
(@duffmaster)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 848
Topic starter  

I will work on recording it. It might be a week, I'm a very busy person. I had more of a Rapcore kind of thing going on. If you've heard any Rage Against the Machine before you understand the rythem to the music.

I just started to record, and I have the entire song down on guitar already. I suprised myself how fast it went. I did it in stereo, so I can have some fun with left right and effects and stuff. We will see how that goes.

And I might not record it as much like de la rocka because I don't sound much like him. (Upstate New Yorker vs. South Western with mexican decent). If I ever join a band I'd be suprised if I get backup vocals. But here its just me and myself. I'm going to do my best, and it won't kill me to try.

Who needs a signature?
I mean really...
It's almost always lyrics...
or a cliche...
or garbage about me...
Lets just save YOU from the pain, ok?


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

I look forward to hearing it as well......

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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duffmaster
(@duffmaster)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 848
Topic starter  

Vic? Do you want to hear it?

Well, since you havn't said anything, I guess not....

Worked out the phrasing today, still working on setting the vocals into a permanent fit. I don't have a Bass...Yet... so no bass guitar with this, and I have it as being pretty detailed for bass, and no drums, because I havn't even begun to fiddle with them. Hopefully recording the vocals tommorow.

Who needs a signature?
I mean really...
It's almost always lyrics...
or a cliche...
or garbage about me...
Lets just save YOU from the pain, ok?


   
ReplyQuote