In my mind W2 Y5 ( complete edited version)

I like the metaphors. It's very hard to write a song like this--to me at least. I can never seem to come up with the right words. But I think you did pretty well.

In my mind

Quicker then a New York minute
Longer then a London hour
Sweeter then Chineese chicken
Prettier then a Siberian flower

When you are comparing two things, it's than. When you are giving an ordering, it's then. Now that that's out of the way...

Why did you leave out the "a" in the third line? My mind fills it in every time I read it.

With that "a" in there, your first three lines would be 8 syllables each, and they set a pretty good format for this stanza (or whatever you want to call it). So at first read Siberian, with it's four syllables, seems awkward. But I think it actually works since you keep the meter.

Quicker then a New York minute
Is how fast it will take
For me to close my eyes
And the images of you to embrass

Embrace?

I like how you take the lines from the first stanza and use them in your other stanzas.

The last line seems a little bit awkward since it's 10 syllables while the previous two are 6 each. Seems a bit lengthy. Of course I'm reading this like a poem since there's only words, and it may be totally different when put to music.

Longer then a London hour
Will be the length of the minutes
That my thoughts of you will take
Missing your soft touch and your warm embrass

These are the thoughts that surround me
Every time I close my eyes
For my mind is the place I long to be
There is never any sad good byes

Quicker then a New York minute
Longer then a London hour
Sweeter then Chineese chicken
Prettier then a Siberian flower

Sweeter then Chineese chicken
Are the soft kisses I miss
Looking into to those big brown eyes
Is enough for this heart to break

Prettier then a Siberian flower
Looking back at me
More beautiful then a virgin's bower
Even sexier in the mid night hour

Quicker then a New York minute
Longer then a London hour
Sweeter then Chineese chicken
Prettier then a Siberian flower

Every time I close my eyes
Images of you are in my mind
Its the place I want to be

The ryhming pattern threw me off a bit as well. You seem to have set up an ABCB pattern, but there's also some ABCD and ABAA in there that catches me off guard.

Promising. Or I could have read it completely wrong and it's already where you want it to be.

Bugger yes embrace ( thank goodness Vic hasn't seen it yet :lol: )

I'll go and edit that word ..

I left the (A) out before Chineese chicken as it is a dish not the animal , might just be a culture thing as I order Chineese Chicken not a Chineese chicken ...

mhlandry .. you left with this comment ..

Promising. Or I could have read it completely wrong and it's already where you want it to be

Do you mean I have completed this and won't be altering ???

I post my work here to others comments and then work the comments into the song

hilch
Now this is a bit from left field as far as a place one visits goes as it is in my mind ...
I get it...think it fits the assignment really well.

I also like the structure. I think mhlandry did a wonderful job. Not really anything else to add other than great job. Gwynne.

Bugger yes embrace ( thank goodness Vic hasn't seen it yet :lol: )

I'll go and edit that word ..

I left the (A) out before Chineese chicken as it is a dish not the animal , might just be a culture thing as I order Chineese Chicken not a Chineese chicken ...

mhlandry .. you left with this comment ..

Promising. Or I could have read it completely wrong and it's already where you want it to be

Do you mean I have completed this and won't be altering ???

I post my work here to others comments and then work the comments into the song

Of course, you are completely correct about the A bit. I was so worried about the structure that I missed the meaning of the line. And this is precisely what I meant about "or I could have read it completely wrong". Each person that reads your song is going to have a different reaction to it, and some of them will not be what you had intended. Such is the nature of art.

And @ rocketgirl -- naturally, it's always easier to critique what has already been written than to write words on an empty page.

I love the wording and the imagery this piece creates, a real good job.

Using the phrases from the opening / chorus as starting points for the verses works really well too.

Nice!

Pete

Not much to pick fault with here.....

I like the way you hit us wth four quick metaphors, then use a verse to expand on each separately. I'd try and avoid the use of the word "embrace" to end consecutive verses. This verse:

"Longer then a London hour
Will be the length of the minutes
That my thoughts of you will take
Missing your soft touch and your warm embrace"

seems a little clumsy.....maybe something along the lines of

"Longer than a London Hour,
Is every beat of my heart,
That you're not here to share,
We seem to be worlds apart.....

OK that's completely off the top of my head, and I'd probably re-write it myself, but it avoids that repetition......

Mhlandry made a point about the rhyming scheme, needs to be a bit more consistent - but at the same time, don't be afraid to experiment - if you use an ABCB scheme for the verses, consistently, you can always use something like ABCA for the chorus....

Pretty good all round effort, though, in my opinion......seems as if you've put more thought into this....

:D :D :D

Vic

Thanks for the feed back I did tidy some of my original verses up to meet the assignment ..And I dropped some words in some lines to try to get the meter right , but it is like everything I post I know there is room for improvement so thanks for steering me in the right direction once again ..

Siberian Wall Flower was the original line

Purple virgin's bower was also the original

After reading your reply Vic I agree embrace is overly used too close ..

I wasn't too sure about using New York minute and a London hour , those 2 just seemed to come to me and I have never heard of it before , I was expecting replies more along the line of what did I mean by those 2 lyrics .

I will re-some of the verses to get it more uniform as far as the rhyming scheme goes and hopefully it will read alot better ..

Thanks for takeing the time to crique my work again

Cheers

Hilch

A RE-WRITE

Chorus
Quicker then a New York minute
Longer then a London hour
Sweeter then Chineese chicken
Prettier then a Siberian flower

v/1
Quicker then a New York minute
Is the length of time it will take
To bring back memories of yesterday
And those thoughts of you I'll embrace

v/2
Longer then a London hour
Is the length of time that will take
For each and every one of those minutes
And some future memories we might make

bridge
These are the thoughts that surround me
Every time I close my eyes
For my mind is the place I long to be
There is never any sad good byes

chorus
Quicker then a New York minute
Longer then a London hour
Sweeter then Chineese chicken
Prettier then a Siberian flower

v/3
Sweeter then Chineese chicken
Are the soft kisses I miss
Dreaming about tomorrow
And those rosey lips that I'll kiss

v/4
Prettier then a Siberian flower
Looking back at me
More beautiful then a virgin's bower
Even sexier in the mid night hour

chorus
Quicker then a New York minute
Longer then a London hour
Sweeter then Chineese chicken
Prettier then a Siberian flower

outro
Every time I close my eyes
Images of you are in my mind
Its the place I want to be
For love like your is hard to find

Hilch
Not much I could ad that has not been said, just a couple of comments.
I did also pick up on the inconsistencies in the rhyme pattern, however in your rewrite it seems that you have tried to address that

I love the lines – “Quicker than a New York minute. Longer than a London hour” when I read those lines I thought it was brilliant.

Ok…so to the lines that really rubs me the wrong way (sorry I cant keep it in any longer…... :wink: ) “Sweeter than Chinese Chicken"
OK I get your drift…but to me that is not very romantic. Don't get me wrong I love my sweet Chinese dishes as much as the next guy. But I don't se the affection in it. Now....Obviously I am the only one who pointed that out so maybe I am totally off the wall?
May I suggest maybe staying with the Siberian flower theme, maybe something like”
Sweeter than the taste of nectar
Of a golden Siberian flower……. Something like that…maybe??

OK...Just my opinion. Otherwise I liked it a lot

Blessings. Olav

Hey Hilch,

Love the song. I was going to write something about going inside the
mind until that other idea hit me.

You know how it can go around here. Somebody comments one way
and somebody turns around and says the direct opposite.

That's what I'm going to do to Olav (Sorry Olav)

I like the Chinese Chicken line. Maybe because of my line of
work I have a more intimate relationship with food.

Who Knows?

The Siberian flower line just floors me. I love the contrast of
how you refer to something beautiful about a place that is not
thought of in that way.

Excellent!

John

Thanks for the feed back

Olav and John : I have to say I wasn't real sure if the chorus would work at all , as i was makeing up metaphors and once I said the New York line I decided to make it a universal sort of reference so I got thinking London , Australia , Asia , New Zealand etc ...
Chineese Chicken well thats what I had for my evening meal I originally had:
Quicker then a New York minute
Longer than a Indian Boa
Faster then a Canadian sprinter
But as lonely as a English hour

Pbee and Vic along with John all ahve been telling me to use more imagery in my songs so I sat down and decided on 4 countries America . England and 2 other places that are sort of the opposite to them ..
Russia , Turkey , Egypt , Asia all came to me ... I wanted a metaphor that no-one would ever have thought of ...such as hot in Moscow just could not get that to work or fit I liked wall flower .. that got me thinking I knew there was such a thing as a Siberian wall flower so I messed around with that idea hence that line ..Still wanting one more line mmmm..Sweeter then Chineese Chicken I laughed and said thats just got to be in it ...Then the chorus was done sort of ..

John :Maybe because of my line of
work I have a more intimate relationship with food.
We have something in common then you have a intimate relationship with food and I just love eating it ....
I also love the Siberian flower line as you say it is very contrasting ..

Glad you you liked it

cheers
Trev..

Thanks for your comments Peter

Trev, just one word from me today (not counting these):

OUTSTANDING :D :D :D :D :D

cheers

Paul

Surely you jest Paul ..

But I will take the comment in the spirit it was given

So thank you