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Looking eyes ( draft )

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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Hi

I have not got a real lot to post , this is what I got so far it's not much and I'm not real happy with it , I thought by using a exotic name like Tamika might help me but I don't think it's going where I want . So instead of doing what I usually do when this hits me ( start again ) I thought I would post and try to see what everyone thinks so far ...Title well that can change at any time , I think this is what they mean by writters block , nah you got to have talent to get that .. Must be because I have not had a beer today ...

I must thank Pbee for help thus far ,

Her name is Tamika
Once you see her
You will want to seek her ..out
She has the loveliest legs
Just one look and you'll beg

But when I'm with her it's like

Like looking through the eyes of a baby
Or looking through the eyes of child
When I'm looking into the eyes of my lady
It's those eyes that drives me wild

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Hey Hilch

I'm not nuts about the verse Tamika just doesn't seem to
work for me. Maybe if it wasn't the first line but as is :?:

I think the chorus is great though
Like looking through the eyes of a baby
Or looking through the eyes of child
When I'm looking into the eyes of my lady
It's those eyes that drives me wild

Although if it were me I'd edit it slightly
Like looking through the eyes of a baby
Seeing through the eyes of child
When I look into the eyes of my lady
Those eyes that drive me wild

Also,and it's most likely a Typo, but you have Like as the last
word of the prechorus and the first word of the chorus.

Just my thoughts hope they help

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi hilch,

I really recommend that you start with the chord progression first. I find it really helps set the mood of the song and it also makes it easier to get the syllable count right. Tamika is avery exotic name so instead of telling us about her physical attributes you could just allude to them by saying someting like she looked as exotic as her name. For me a song is all about what you make people feel not so much about what you say, what you say is there to invoke some reaction in your audience. So tell me a story and let my imagination do the rest.

Johns suggestions look good.

Hope that helps, stick with it.

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

hey thanks John and Paul

really appreciate it

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

hey thanks John and Paul

really appreciate it

Isn't that what Mick and Keef said for "I wanna be your man"......?

I like John's suggestion for the chorus, makes it less repetitive....

So you've got a chorus - think of that as the central theme, if you like....now tell us WHY you feel that way....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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lotto king
(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 777
 

I agree with everyone here

John - yes Tamika in the first line I agree with you

Vic - yes He has to do tell us

Paul - yes exotic name maybe exotic place ?

we should change our names Vic to Ringo and George

ha ha ha

L.K

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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