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Midnight WK45

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(@contagiousjerm)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 176
Topic starter  

Ok, major change - abandoning assignment parameters and ditching "Midnight" for a more normal name, to avoid misconceptions. Keep the title just for the heck it.

BAD RECORDING HERE http://soundclick.com/share?songid=9637936 (my computer sound recorder would only let me do 60 seconds, then if I try to record more, it would insist I couldn't... grrr) Played too fast to get through the key parts, but I would still want it to rock somewhat, but more drums, guitar more subtle.

Jeremy

MIDNIGHT

VERSE1:
In the daylight
I can't believe that you were real
In my faulty
confused, forgetful memory
Where all you were
Was a dream laid on my soul
But reality leaves a hole

PRECHORUS:
And in my slumber,
I see you in my dreams
All my best laid plans never giving birth
will you ever, can you ever, know just what you're worth?

CHORUS:
And now Lucy
It's like you're sitting at my door
And why Lucy
Was my heart shattered on the floor
And at dawn it's another day
Memory speaks, "goodbye" and fades... away

VERSE 2
In the darkness
I can't conceive how you could leave
In my faulted
bitter, cruel, broken memory
As if all you were
Was a phantasm of my mind
A consequence of my crimes

PRECHORUS
CHORUS

BRIDGE:
As you walked away my child
I still cry for you each night
Don't turn away, your path is clear
To someone in Heaven
Who knew your everything…

CHORUS

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hey Jeremy,

Interesting lyrics...a bit more mysterious..... :D

Suggestions:
#1
Recheck use of past and present tense verbs and use of pronouns
Consider nailing down when the singer is singing in your use of verb tense.....is it morning time/night?....first dream?....years of a reoccurring dream?......
.......also who is the singer talking to....talking to themselves?........ in the ghost's absence?....talking to the ghost directly?....talking to the listener about the ghost?.......right now there are lines that support each......

Talking to himself/herself:
In the daylight
I can't believe that you were real

Talking to the listener directly:
It's like she's sitting at my door
She says goodbye and fades... away

Talking to the ghost:
I see you in my dreams
I can't conceive how you could leave
Walk away my little child

#2
Consider nailing down the singer's emotion or mood towards the ghostly visits....right now I get mixed signals
"I see you in my dreams
All my best laid plans never giving birth"......As I cry for you each night.....Don't turn away,
The singer likes the visits and doesn't want them to end ....visits are described as dreams not nightmares
A consequence of my crimes.....Walk away my little child
The singer doesn't like the visits because they remind him/her of his/his crimes
your path is clear.....To someone... not me
The singer doesn't really know why the ghost visits....it's like "sorry, you have the wrong phone number"

#3
As I cry for you each night
Also, the time frame on this one seems off b/c the singer sees the ghost at night...so it could be As I cry for you each DAY...or As I cry for you in the daylight

Thanks for sharing :D I'm curious what the mp3 will be like b/c I anticipate a slower dark, minor chord progression, but I don't think I've heard one of your songs that fits that description.

James


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 176
Topic starter  

Thanks James, first of all, I didn't realize that a ghost was implied. Maybe that came from the word "phantasm", but while that is often implied by its usage, it isn't necessarily the meaning of the word:

phan·tasm (fntzm)
n.
1. Something apparently seen but having no physical reality; a phantom or an apparition. Also called phantasma.
2. An illusory mental image. Also called phantasma.
3. In Platonic philosophy, objective reality as perceived and distorted by the five senses.

If you can't shake the image of a ghost, what clues are in the song that need to be taken away/added?

Really what I'm trying to speak to is a memory of someone who is gone, and so there is confusion of speaking to the lost, but really to ones self. In one sense, even though saying "you" as if addressing Midnight, there are clues that she isn't really there - that she is only a memory, (questioning her reality), LIKE she's sitting outside the door (but isn't). Then for the chorus, I stop singing to imaginary her, and turn to sing to myself.

I could easily change the chorus to:
CHORUS:
And with Midnight
It's like you're sitting at my door
And with Midnight
My cup is shattered on the floor
And at dawn it's another day
You say goodbye and fade... away

But when I go about it, it doesn't feel right... I feel like the use of Midnight as a name no longer makes sense, and also and also loses the sense that it is really an inner torment, faulting the self rather than Midnight.

I will go back and look at past/present tense to see what needs correction.

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

If you can't shake the image of a ghost, what clues are in the song that need to be taken away/added?
Why ghost?....Yes, probably the "phantasm"
Also the time of day or night of the visit...similar to Zeke's Y8W45 The Midnight Hour.....ghosts coming out at night
and the line "She says goodbye and fades... away"....I don't know if schizophrenics see their "imaginary friends" fade in or out

Suggestion try taking some specific vocabulary words from wiki posts like these to build up the fact that the character is schizophrenic....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusions
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoid_schizophrenia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Beautiful_Mind_%28film%29
or add other details....maybe by location ie white walls...or what others say about the singer "Why is he arguing with that tree in the park?".....or reference to medication he takes or can't afford anymore....also when she appears should be at different times not just midnight or at night....maybe the title can be "Midnight Roll Call" where every night he runs through the list of people he met that day to check if they were real people or not...by whatever method he sees fit.

Then again.....I don't think it is a bad thing that I thought it was a ghost, b/c then you would have a great setup for a twist.....like in Six Sense where the doctor doesn't realize he is dead.....or another movie like "Passengers" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passengers_%28film%29
where the main character doesn't realize she is dead....not that you have to go for that angle but some kind of twist

.....but if you want it to be clear the girl is only a figment of his imagination, I'd suggestion a bit more straight-forward story telling with more concrete images.

Also, take a look at these lyrics....they communicate the idea that the main character has "lost touch" with reality and "thrives" more on her inner life or in her mind than the "real world" maybe some of the phrasing will help develop the idea for your singer or main character's "in the mind" dilemma......

Beth Nielsen Chapman - Child Again

She's wheeled into the hallway
Till the sun moves down the floor
Little squares of daylight
Like a hundred times before
She's taken to the garden
For the later afternoon
Just before her dinner
They return her to her room

CHORUS:
And inside her mind
She is running
She is running in the summer wind
Inside her mind
She is running in the summer wind
Like a child again

The family comes on Sunday
And they hover for awhile
They fill her room with chatter
And they form a line of smiles
Children of her children
Bringing babies of their own
Sometimes she remembers
Then her mama calls her home

CHORUS

Playmate, come out and play with me
(It's raining, it's poring, the old man is snoring)
And bring your dollies three
(Bumped his head on the edge of the bed)
Climb up my apple tree
(Never got up in the morning)
Slide down my rain barrel
(Rain, rain, go away)
Into my cellar door
(Come again another day)
And we'll be jolly friends
(Little Johnny wants to play)
Forevermore
(Some more)

And inside her mind
She is running
She is running in the summer wind
Like a child again

And....Consider trying the lyrics from a 3rd person point of view to see if they are more believable to the listener than having to believe the singer is the delusional one.

Example:
VERSE1:
In the daylight
HE can't believe that SHE WAS real
In HIS faulty
confused, forgetful memory
That'S all SHE WAS
Was a dream laid on HIS soul
But reality left a hole.....ETC....


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 176
Topic starter  

Well, I made a few minor changes - mostly I'm trying to bring it back to this: the girl was REAL but is gone. There is no mental delusion, just trying to come to terms with loss, and hope that the child can carry on. I think I really need to change the name - Midnight doesn't really fit anymore, though it was a bit of a metaphor that I started with because of the assignment, an idea of me always being asleep at midnight, so how could I really know if it is real each night even though I am convinced of its reality.

I want to bring it back to expressions of regret, pain, yet seeking hope.

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Posts: 2855
 

I want to bring it back to expressions of regret, pain, yet seeking hope.
I'll look forward to the listen :D


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 176
Topic starter  

Ok, got a better recording. Being home sick helps get leisure activities done :roll:

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hey Jeremy,

Sounding good. :D

Suggestion: Consider simplifying the chorus for contrast. Right now all the sections sound good and nothing is sounding off or out of place musically, but it's running all a bit together. I like the phrasing changes you have going on in different parts, but it's hard to hear the difference between the verse section, pre-chorus or last part of the chorus.....My favorite part is the first line where you go up on "Lucy"....it would be nice to let that hang open a bit....maybe add a few words...but not many and then repeat "Lucy" in the high voice

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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