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Mr. Kurt Cobain - Wk. 4 SSWG

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PoeticSmile
(@poeticsmile)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 81
Topic starter  

I have a couple drafts of this song, all with more lyrics, but I don't know wanted to know what you all thought of it how it is here.

Mr. Kurt Cobain -

Lift the wretched mask of fame
Set aside his varying claims
Forget the stories of why he may be insane
Who are you, Mr. Kurt Cobain?

Who are you?
Who are you?
Who are you, Mr. Kurt Cobain?

Was the breath of death a gain?
A new drug to escape the pain
Are you the one to blame?
What are your secrets, Mr. Kurt Cobain?

What are your secrets?
What are your secrets?
What are your secrets, Mr. Kurt Cobain?


   
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sozay
(@sozay)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 173
 

This is a good start poeticsmile. i like the internal rhyme in the first line of the second verse. Its all very 'solid' and if you expand on it to include how kurt affected you i think you may be onto something.

cheers
sozay

currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!


   
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Anonymous
(@anonymous)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 8184
 

i like the repetition. it's good stuff.


   
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PoeticSmile
(@poeticsmile)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 81
Topic starter  

Thanks for the great comments. I will sure be posting a revised edition shortly. Thanks.


   
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PoeticSmile
(@poeticsmile)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 81
Topic starter  

Here is the revised work:

Mr. Kurt Cobain

Step over the effects of fame
Minimize his varying claims
Forget what people say
Who are you, Mr. Kurt Cobain?

Who are you?
Who are you?
Who are you, Mr. Kurt Cobain?

If you only knew
How much I listen to you
How much I rock out to you
How many others do

Was the breath of death a gain?
A new drug to escape the pain
Are you the one to blame?
What are your secrets, Mr. Kurt Cobain?

What are your secrets?
What are your secrets?
What are your secrets, Mr. Kurt Cobain?

I could never understand you
I couldn't always believe you
There was never anyone like you
I could never forget you

Who are you?
Who are you?
Who are you, Mr. Kurt Cobain?


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Poeticsmile,
Welcome back we haven't seen you here for a while. I like your song. I think that as far as the assignment is concerned there is only one line that I would change if it was mine.
I could never understand you
I couldn't always believe you
There was never anyone like you
I will never forget you

Ok, maybe this one as well (although Im not 100% convinced)
Who are you?
Who are you?
Who were you, Mr. Kurt Cobain?

just the last line of the last chorus. Anyway good song, well done :D

pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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PoeticSmile
(@poeticsmile)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 81
Topic starter  

Thanks.


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

PoeticSmile,

Not being a Curt Cobain fan I didn't think
I would like this song. I must say though
that it is quite well written and you express
your feeling very well.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

I'm not a big fan of Cobain either, although there are some songs I like...

But I agree, it's a well written piece...interesting to compare the first version with the revised version....

The only thing I'd change is the use of "Mr Kurt Cobain" ...."Mr Cobain" might come across as slightly more intriguing, if you could fit it to the rhyming scheme....

Nice work...I'd be interested to see if you could put a Nirvana-style backing track to this...

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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geoffrey
(@geoffrey)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 85
 

don't have much to say but have you heard "i don't blame you" by Cat Power??? i'm pretty sure it's about Kurt Cobain.. the only thing that sorta erks me is to hear his name meantioned in full. or at all really. i know you don't know him and there for wouldn't be on first name basis with him, nor are you his highschool coach calling him just "cobain".. but through music you share an intimacy... i think you could never meantion his name and it wouldn't lean so heavily on his name, and stand tall by itself. but what do i know?

you should hear that Cat Power song though.. phew. it will get at your heart

to listen to my songs for SSC click here http://www.myspace.com/impossibleobjects


   
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PoeticSmile
(@poeticsmile)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 81
Topic starter  

Thanks for the comments.

Geoffrey, no I haven't heard that song, but I'll check it out. I read the lyrics, though, and he could certainly fit the lyrics. I understand what you're saying and maybe sometime I'll give this song another shot without using his name at all, but by using Mr. in front of his name I thought maybe that would honor the fact that I didn't know him. Sometimes I will honor someone Mr. basically because I didn't know them, rather than calling them by their first name, you know? I'm not sure if that makes sense. But, I see what you're saying, and sometime I'll give it a shot. Thanks for the comment.


   
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+LostBeggining+
(@lostbeggining)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 197
 

There is a song called "No Choice" by Buddy Mondlock...the song isnt about anyone impaticular but growing up listening to Nirvana Ive always associated it with Kurt Cobain....Its a very beautifully written song, My favourite musician Edwin Mccain also does a great version of it. You should check it out.

Rain Shadow


   
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