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My first submission(Don't laugh!)

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(@xposed)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 107
Topic starter  

This was an article title, "Another semester come and gone" from my university paper.

[Verse 1]
Today is December 17th
The sun is about to set
The time has come to say
Good-bye to my dear old friends

[Chorus]
Although I'm sad to say
I knew I'd regret this day
For all the lessons taught
& all the meaning brought
Three times a week Was not enough

[Verse 2]
One day at a time It consumes me
Changes me & transforms my soul
Escape is now impossible
The thought improbable
But that's ok
I wouldn't have it any other way

[Chorus]
Although I'm sad to say
I knew I'd come to regret this day
For all the lessons taught
& all the meaning brought
Three times a week Was not enough

[Verse 3]
The boundriess are limitless
Creativity can't stop me
So long as I carry it with me
I've already put it away
& thrown out the key

[Chorus]
Although I'm sad to say
I knew I'd come to regret this day
For all the lessons taught
& all the meaning brought
Three times a week Was not enough

No no no
Not enough


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
 

Hi'a xposed, welcome to the forum,

Not bad for your first attempt, one thing that confused me was the different lengths of the verses and chorus, but then again it depends if you want to actually put your lyrics to music and if so what style of music you play, I can't find a constant meter here, but the basics are all there,

Go well
Ja'mir :wink:

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hi there

no-one laughs at other song writters here , there is always help and advise ( well that's what I have found ) I agree with Jamir , may I be so bold and show you how I would have done this using your lyrics ?

[Verse 1]
Today is December 17th
The sun is about to set
The time has come to say
Good-bye to my dear old friends

[Chorus]
Although I'm
sad to say
I knew I'd
regret this day
For all the lessons taught
& all the meaning brought
Three times a week
Was not enough

[Verse 2]
One day at a time
It consumes me
Changes me
transforms my soul
Escape is now impossible
The thought is improbable
But that's ok
I wouldn't have it any other way

[Chorus]
Although I'm
sad to say
I knew I'd come to
regret this day
For all the lessons taught
& all the meaning brought
Three times a week
Was not enough

[Verse 3]
The boundriess are limitless
Creativity can't stop me
So long as I carry it with me
I've already put it away
& thrown out the key

[Chorus]
Although I'm sad to say
I knew I'd come
to regret this day
For all the lessons taught
& all the meaning brought
Three times a week Was not enough

No no no
Not enough

oh well that's my 5 cents worth

I like it though keep up the good writting

cheers :P

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@xposed)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 107
Topic starter  

Thanks guys I appreciate every bit of time spent on my threads, I'll keep my eyes peeled for your posted songs!


   
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(@blackswan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 51
 

Yes, yes, this might be a bit late but welcome to the forum 8)

And I'd have to agree, good for a first attempt, and needs a little work to make it better. The chorus, for example, I would edit to something like this (if it doesn't change the meaning of anything...with lyrics, ya never know):

Although I'm saddened and hesitate to say
I knew I would regret this day
For all the lessons taught
& all the meanings brought
Three times a week Was not enough

The second verse also sounded off rythm (sp?) to me, but that could also just be me.


   
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(@pierson)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 367
 

Don't think that I can really say anything about this song. I just wanted to say welcome! I'm pretty new, too.

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
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