New guy.. First submission

Hi Balruth,

Welcome to SSG :D

The first post is the hardest, so it will get a lot easier from here on ;)

I really like your voice. I think it lends itself to be able to sing a wide range of styles.

One thing you could do to help the listeners is to post the lyrics.

Regarding this song, my interest was most peaked around 1:35 with the lines of "wasting 8 years....never got to start your family"

Consider using this as the starting point to set up what the song is about and answering the 5 Ws (Who what where when why....and how)

Also consider choosing one point of view. Is the song about the singer's lament, or consoling the singee? While it's valid both could equally be hurt, choosing one to focus on with help clarify the message/story.

Thanks for sharing :D

James

Welcome, Balruth. James pretty much hit the important points. I like the song. The music fits the story. I'd like to see the lyrics too. It's much easier to pick them apart when they're in writing. :wink:

Sorry for not including lyrics. I have a keyboard now, so that will be much less tedious for me.

I wasn't trying to tell a story from two perspectives, and I'm not sure how to resolve the confusion. The song is supposed to be from the singers perspective, one of reflection and realization of just how selfish he was and how poorly he treated this woman who had given everything to him. I didn't want it to be as outright and obvious as the statement I just made, but he starts on him, and then the major wrongs that he feels guilt over for not fulfilling in her, and then it was supposed to be resolution, that he understands and feels sorry for what he put her through, and also that without her finally walking away and forcing him to get through things on his own, he never would've grown.

That's still the story that I want to tell, and hope to figure out a way to make it clear and not confusing to the listener.

I appreciate the feedback, and here are the lyrics.

Thanks.

It takes more than a day to get over
Takes more than a night to move on
I'm having trouble staying clean and sober
Having trouble ever since you've gone

I've had issues since before you knew me
Issues ever since I can recall
You always thought you were gonna change me
You always thought we would have it all

Chorus

Tears don't stop the pain
I know 'cause I've been crying
Everything's the same
I've been here before
Tears don't stop the pain
You're not longer trying
You just can't go through this anymore

You wasted 8 years of your life trying to save me
Wasted 8 years not living for yourself
You never got to start your family
You never wanted anything else

Chorus

My heart is broken but still it goes out to you
My heart is broken and I finally understand
Just what it is that I did to you
Just what our life could've been

Chorus

Sometimes you've got to walk away
Sometimes you better run
Sometimes it's alright to stay
But this time isn't one
Sometimes you have to break a heart
And do what's best for you
Could be what's best for me too

Overall a good job. Just a couple of suggestions. This is personal opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

The first two lines of the first verse imply that the singer's girlfriend just left a day ago. I think that the idea of having trouble staying off drugs would be stronger if it had been a little longer. Maybe change "a day" to "a few days" and "a night" to "a few nights."

The first verse says that the singer has had trouble staying clean and sober since his girlfriend left. Then throughout the rest of the song, it seems that he had trouble with that the whole eight years they were together. Did he do OK most of the time they were together? In any case, think about adding a verse explaining what the big event was that made her leave. Did the singer lose his job? Wreck his car? Sell her jewelry?

it was supposed to be resolution, that he understands and feels sorry for what he put her through, and also that without her finally walking away and forcing him to get through things on his own, he never would've grown.

It gets a bit trickier when you are trying to show the growth or change in a singer instead of focusing on one slice of the emotion/story, but it could make for a good challenge.

One way would be to color the meaning of the chorus with each new time it's sung....but make the chorus a bit broader by taking out the personal pronouns:

Tears don't stop the pain
crying, crying, crying
Everything's the same
just like before
Tears don't stop the pain
no use trying
Tears don't stop the pain
Tears don't stop the pain

Then explain v1 how the singee is crying and the singer thinks the singee is just weak or over reacting.

V2 singer tries to convince singee the singee is wrong for crying or there's mutual crying because of tension

v3 singer is crying b/c it's realized to late the fault was the singer's and didn't change to save the relationship.

Each ch is colored a bit different b/c of the new verse info.

Maybe reread Cats in the cradle and structure the concepts in a similar manner from clueless to regret.