Skip to content
Picture in my walle...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Picture in my wallet SSG week 18

7 Posts
5 Users
0 Likes
948 Views
(@pierson)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 367
Topic starter  

I saw a picture of a man and his girlfriend when I typed in my name. It reminded me of someone that is still special to me.

Picture In My Wallet

I still keep her picture in my wallet.
She was everything , and I blew it.
She told me she loved me, but she didn't.
I told her I wasn't in love, yet I still am.
Now she is with another. Parted from my feelings.
He took her away from me.

The better man for you.
All my thoughts you never knew.
What we had before we lost it
Are now just precious memories in my wallet.

You could be the only one for me.
A shame you don't think the same, or maybe you just never told me.
I disguise the wreck I'm in ever so gently.
A passion for the past dwells within me.

The better man for you.
All my thoughts you never knew.
What we had before we lost it
Are now just precious memories in my wallet.

Do you wish to know the truth of why I don't sleep at night?
Something's missing in my life. Your head resting on my chest.
Empty bed, driving me mad. Causing a constant urge to fight.
“No woman could ever haunt me.” Now I'm crushing like the rest.

The better man for you.
All my thoughts you never knew.
What we had before we lost it
Are now just precious memories in my wallet.

How could you know that I still want you
If I can't bring myself to say this?
How would you know that I still need you?
All my feeble attempts have missed.

I still need you, I still want you.
You're still a picture in my wallet.

I still keep your picture in my wallet.

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
Quote
(@katreich)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 686
 

Nice spin on a very difficult topic! I like it very much.

Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.

www.soundclick.com/kathyreichert


   
ReplyQuote
(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 418
 

I think most of your lyrics are totally unsubtle and unoriginal, however I very much like your take on the assignment. Great idea but poor execution.


   
ReplyQuote
(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey Pierson,

Very vulnerable and very restrained (in a good way :) ).

As far as McFly's comments... well, I'll agree that there is still work to be done on the song.

For example, there is very little imagery beyond the first few lines, and the title. You've set your song off in a great direction, then it sort meanders for a bit. I would like to feel the scene. Is the picture worn at the edges? What's in the picture specifically? Did the guy accidentally re-discover the photo while buying a latte to ward off the cold, damp weather, or is he sitting alone in his room, returning to the picture again and again? What else is in the wallet? What does he do from there? I think you can explore all the same themes by telling a story, but that's only one possible way to incorporate more imagery.

As for a specific suggestion... I would be tempted to alter the chorus thusly (my changes in red):
You're standing there with the better man for you.
All my thoughts you never knew.
What we had before we lost it
Are now just a picture in my wallet.

The first line connects the dots implying that you, the guy in the picture, are the better man. The last line speaks the same thing as the original, just more powerfully (I think) by making all that was even less than memories... it's just a picture now.

Hope this helps.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
ReplyQuote
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

I like Coldplay's ideas on this, I'd go along with them for the most part - however I always think the word "photograph" (and we've had a few assignments on those by now!) is more evocative than "picture"....

Martin-6 doesn't seem to think it's original enough - I'll agree there are a couple of over-used cliches in there, but cliches are only cliches because they're tried, tested and work.....I think what he was getting at was it's not subtle enough?

For instance here....

" Do you wish to know the truth of why I don't sleep at night?
Something's missing in my life. Your head resting on my chest.
Empty bed, driving me mad. Causing a constant urge to fight.
“No woman could ever haunt me.” Now I'm crushing like the rest."

Crushed would make more sense, but "bruised" (or "bleeding") is more striking....

I do like the last three lines though, great way to finish it off - I can imagine the music going quieter and quieter till the last line is almost spoken, plaintively, pleadingly....great ending!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
ReplyQuote
(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 418
 

To expand on my previous comments, the reason I didn't like the song is that it's basically just a string of statements. Take the first verse for example:

I still keep her picture in my wallet.
She was everything , and I blew it.
She told me she loved me, but she didn’t.
I told her I wasn’t in love, yet I still am.
Now she is with another. Parted from my feelings.
He took her away from me.

Six banal statements in a row, all cheesy remarks about love, all composed solely of subjects, objects and verbs. Give me some ADJECTIVES man, that's what really turns me on! Adjectives will allow you to express more feelings in the song because you have to think about exactly what you want to convey when choosing each one. As well as adjectives, your song needs more interesting nouns - the only ones I can see are.... well, none. Once you're done inserting the exotic nouns and adjectives, you may want to check to see if you have by chance created any of what we call "imagery". Slowplay's comments are right on the nose here. We need to see more lines like "I disguise the wreck I’m in ever so gently" and less like "The better man for you. / All my thoughts you never knew."

Also you may want to keep an eye on the number of times you say "I want you" or "I need you" (4 times in the last 7 lines) because frankly it makes me rather worried for the girl's safety.

Better luck next time.


   
ReplyQuote
(@pierson)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 367
Topic starter  

Sorry i couldnt post earlier, i was on vacation in mexico :D !

I agree that the song is very bland. I'll admit, I'm not usually the one to write love songs. It does need a lot of work. I'll keep all of your ideas in mind as I'll try to revise the song (which might not be too soon since I have to catch up on my assingments I missed.)

Thanks for your opinions and ideas!

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
ReplyQuote