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(@storky)
Active Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 8
Topic starter  

Bearing in mind i've just turned 16 n its me first real bash at this be kind on me :D
This is kind of a break up song. Its not me best or me favourite, but i was persuaded to put it on

Smile

(verse 1)
Smile______
As if its your last,
then Cry______
As you watch it drift past

(Chorus 1)
Seems its come to an end
This is driving me round the bend
Shall we give this time to mend
or shall we go our seperate ways__

(Verse 2)

Feed_____
From the palm of my hand
then, Fall______
Al the way from Graceland

(Chorus 2)
Seems its come to an end
This is driving me round the bend
Shall we give this time to mend
or shall we go our seperate ways__

Bridge

Rebuilding bridges that are already broken
Your love is given as a kind of token
Still beliving that their is something here__

Seems its come to an end
This is driving me round the bend
Shall we give this time to mend
or shall we go our seperate ways______ (fade out)


   
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(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1259
 

It's not bad. The second chorus I don't like though.

https://www.guitarnoise.com/lessons/songwriting-for-beginners/

This is one of Nicks very helpful articles of beginner songwriting. Take note to numebr 4. I would try to reword it a bit.

Decent overall though.

If you don't mind me asking, where are you from? I noticed you said "me" instead of "my" leading me to think your a Newfoundlander, or at least an Atlantic?

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


   
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(@storky)
Active Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 8
Topic starter  

Cheers 4 readin it. Yeh my english is pretty crap, im from leeds. i will ave a bash at re-writin it but thanks 4 the feed back


   
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(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1259
 

Cheers 4 readin it. Yeh my english is pretty crap, im from leeds. i will ave a bash at re-writin it but thanks 4 the feed back

Leeds hey, that's cool, I had a cousin was there a few years back during a backpacking trip.

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


   
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(@storky)
Active Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 8
Topic starter  

I kno this shows my ignorance but where in the world is Newfoundland :D


   
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(@beren)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 72
 

Hi Storky
I actually really like this song. First read through I didn't think there was much to it but I read it again and I really liked the chorus. I'm not too sure about the verses, it probably depends on how you sing them but as lyrics on their own they don't really do that much for me. I think the chorus really tells you what the song is about and works very well.
I'd be quite interested to see you rewrite the song keeping the chorus but with verses that tell me more about the story or situation. The chorus lets us know how the singer is feeling.
Anyway a good effort. It's alot better than the drivel I used to write when I was sixteen.
Beren

I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind


   
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(@storky)
Active Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 8
Topic starter  

I'm already havin a bash at re-writin the lyrics, but thanks.
To be honest its the music what really makes the song,
thats what i wrote first and those words
fit pretty much perfectly. If you want to know how to play it let me know


   
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(@tonyj444)
Active Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 12
 

Yeah, I like this one as well, and think I agree with Beren about the verses being a little weak. In paticular, i feel the 2nd verse needs a rewrite, it fits nicely enough in terms of meter etc. but it just doesn't seem to mean anything, unless I'm missing something? Maybe look at what message you're trying to convey with each verse and focus on that, just an idea. With a bit of work strengthening the verses i reckon this song could more realise it's potentital. :)

Tony


   
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(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1259
 

I kno this shows my ignorance but where in the world is Newfoundland :D

Don't worry about it, no one really knows. It's an island province of the east coast of Canada. Small population, about 500,000 people. I would have put Canada in my location, but in Newfoundland there is a large sense of pride in our province, as we've often gotten the short end of the stick from the federal government, and have to fend for ourselves alot though. We are turning into a very rich province though, having one of the best oil supplies in the world, off the coast of the Grand Bank.

There you go Storky, a little history/geography for you. Regardless of what you do the rest of the day, you've already learned something! :D

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


   
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