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Song a week 44 - Committed


(@guentherb121)
Active Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 10
Topic starter  

First post and a bit late getting this in. The song is called Serenity. Words below. The vocals are not the best as I was rushed to record them. Not thrilled with verses 3 & 4 at this point, but I do like the overall vibe.

https://soundcloud.com/barry-guenther/serenity

Any and all feedback is welcomed.

Verse 1
The day breaks the sun awakes
Splash water on my face wash way my mistakes
The time ahead creates
A chance to be there for you

Verse 2
You help me see and believe
An be the man than I should be
Live together in honesty
And see it through

Chorus
So take my hand and walk with me
Show me your world let’s make a memory
I’ll hold you close as you wanna be
No letting go
In your arms I am at peace
I feel complete in unity
Your love so pure my heart at ease
In my soul
You give me serenity

Verse 3
Our love cannot be made artificially
Hard work and dedication it has to be
To each other not just publicly
Never let me falter

Verse 4
Years from now I still hope to see
Us together and still complete
Lost in each other beneath the sheets
Growing ever stronger

Bridge
You’re the only one for me forever
Nowhere else for my heart
Nor the heat of July of the cold of December
Nothing shall tear us apart


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Barry,

Welcome to SSG

Nice work on the basic chord progression and adding the drums.

What program do you use for your drums?

I like the wording in v1 with: sun, splash water, face, wash -nice concrete details. Consider using more in the other verses as well.

This line could be tweaked a bit "The day breaks the sun awakes"
"The sun breaks the day awakes"

"Splash water on my face wash way my mistakes"
Consider elaborating what the mistakes are

"The time ahead creates A chance to be there for you" -could be a stronger line here b/c it's assumed the singer will be spending time with the singee

Verse 2
You help me see and believe -nice, but how?; not sure it connects with serenity
An be the man than I should be -nice idea; not sure it connects with serenity
Live together in honesty -ok but not sure it connects with serenity
And see it through- What is "it" that's being seen through and how?

---so through chorus and the rest, check that each line supports the title "Serenity" and look for ways to add more concrete examples of how the singee brings serenity to the singer.

Consider also your use of time frames and focus on one; either a day (starting in the morning like you do, but ending at the end of the day).....or develop the ideas of months or seasons like you have in the bridge instead of mixing "time of day" and "time of year".

Take or toss as the feed back you see fit, and thanks for sharing :D

James


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(@guentherb121)
Active Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 10
Topic starter  

Thanks for the feedback James. A lot of great ideas. I would agree that some of the verses are disconnected from the word "serenity". I like the idea of building it as a story through a day or through seasons. I was definitely unsatisfied with it, but ran out of time this week and needed to get it posted. This one will be fun to improve over the next few months because I think I was on to something.

As far as your drum question, I'm using the drummer's loaded on Garage Band. They have this drum track thing and it's amazing. You can easily lay drum tracks and easily give it variety.

Thanks again!

Barry


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

ran out of time this week and needed to get it posted.
Kudos for that. These posts should be initial ideas, first drafts and works in progress so we get give and get feedback to improve as songwriters.
As far as your drum question, I'm using the drummer's loaded on Garage Band. They have this drum track thing and it's amazing. You can easily lay drum tracks and easily give it variety.
Very nice. Thanks for the FYI.

Thanks again for sharing :D

James


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