Serpentine
She's serpentine
Steps out of her old skin
Shiny clean
Don't speak of love
She won't know what you mean
She's serpentine
She'll wrap herself around your soul
Look out brother
She'll swallow you whole
She's feline
Follows the rules
Made of her own design
Get her claws in you
You're sidelined
She's feline
She'll play a game of cat and mouse
Look out brother
She'll take your house
She's lupine
Prowls the night to see
What prey she'll find
Don't try to hide
She can read your mind
She's lupine
You can't tame her with all your skill
Look out brother
She's out to kill
You'll never know
If you'll get what you see
When you're trapped in her menagerie
She's serpentine
She shed her old skin
Quick and clean
Son't talk of love
She won't know what you mean
She's serpentine
SSSSSHEE'S Serpentine.
Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.
Wow, looks like you had a similar idea to me, of taking several different animals and using them to write about various different aspects of a woman.
I think the writing is very good and flows well in terms of short catchy lines and natural-sounding rhymes, but I have a fundamental problem with using words like serpentine, feline & lupine in a song. For me, the unusual nature of these three words makes it a bit too much of a 'concept' song. Personally if I ever wanted to use serpentine or feline I would want to hide them away in the middle of a verse where they were not so noticeable - whereas here they are the hooks. Lupine I think I would steer clear of but that's just me.
Anyway what's done is done and those words are not a changeable part of the song so I wouldn't advise any changes. If you are happy with the song then I'm sure the performance would be fine. I'm not even in a position to criticise this week's songs as I am struggling badly with the topic myself.
Hi Katreich,
I think your song is good. I'm quite a fan of big / unusual words, I think that they give a song character. The only thing that I would say is that with these lines:
She's Feline
Follows the rules
Made of her own design
When I read them I thought, “Shes Feline , follows the rules … “ , (well not in my experience ) and then “made of her own design†(I don't understand) . It wasn't until the second read that I connected the 2nd and 3rd line together and then it made sense. Now it might just be me and the fact that I'm reading it versus listening to you singing it, but maybe you could tweak it to something like this:
She's Feline
She makes the rules
As she goes along
Other than that, I liked it, good work.
Oh and I love the lasssssssssst line :wink:
Cheers
pbee
Kathy,
Good Job
I especially like the bridge
You'll never know
If you'll get what you see
When you're trapped in her menagerie
That really pulls everything together for me
John
Not much I can add except I like this it's well structured and well written
Job well done here
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Hi Kathy
Your imagination is working OT this week. Nice job!
I'll echo the various thoughts here. PBee's take on the second verse is definitely spot on - it could use a bit of tweaking. How about something like:
She's feline
And you're the catspaw
Of her feral mind
That would also give you an addition internal rhyme (with claw in the following line). Just a thought. And, like John, I think the bridge is stunningly beautiful and simple.
More!
What's the music like in your head?
Peace
thanks for the replies. will work on the second verse. David, I'm hearing an upright base, somthing very jazz oriented. Almost like Saturn's Moon, but not quite, if you get my gist.
Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.
thanks for the replies. will work on the second verse. David, I'm hearing an upright base, somthing very jazz oriented. Almost like Saturn's Moon, but not quite, if you get my gist.
That is a total surprise but now that you've said so I can hear nothing else. It's going to be very cool! :wink:
Can't wait to jam on this one next time I'm in Chicago!
Peace
