SSG 37 - Beneath my leaves (MP3!)

Hi Dneck,

I like the idea here, it's a nice (but also sad and inevitably true) story.
I've got a few things to point my finger at though. I haven't got my guitar here, and I haven't heard you sing it, so no comments on the meter.
The boy comes sometimes too but only one back touches me,
And I wouldn't trade this landscape for any river, rock, or stream.

and you love, you never sit alone with me.
and you love, when only one back touches me.

Of course, I understand the necessity of introducing the boy, but what I don't get here is what you mean exactly. I would like to add the possibility of my being dumb here, I never rule that out.
and she said yes and then smiled real big, and the boy smiled too and grabbed my twig.
and as he placed it in her hair…I couldn't help but stare.

This is probably my favourite verse. However it rhymes, which the others don't. Not that I mind the rhyme, I find the entire verse painting a very detailed picture in my head. I just find sudden rhymes in a non-rhyming scheme to be somewhat misplaced (sometimes, at least) The "I couldn't help but stare" part that throws me a bit off too, I'd like to see that changed. Maybe to something about love coming to you (though maybe that's a bad idea, seeing as the word love is only used in the chorus) or a caress/kiss etc
when they loved, and only slept outside.
when they loved, and never slept a wink all night.

This could just be me being dumb again. Are you using the word "loved" with two different meanings here? Either way, I feel the last part of the first line could be rewritten to something better, given the context from the verse above.

Really like the ending too! So, there's my suggestions. I can't wait to get home and sit down with the guitar and try playing this. Good writing!

:)
-man

Hi Dneck,
this is a lovely song, very moving well done mate, id love to here it. Im only going to quible about one thing:
when they loved, and only slept outside.
when they loved, and never slept a wink all night.

I dont like the "wink" in there I dont know why, maybe its because its a little obvious. Maybe somethink like
when they loved, and only slept outside.
when they loved, and never slept at all that night

cheers

Paul

well there are two people under the tree and only one back is touching the tree so she must be lying on him see :)

those ...'s are important in the verse otherwise it would be way to short, thats probably why you think it sounds weird.

I know that the rhyme scheme changes as the song goes on, I thought it was kinda off at first too but it sounds fine. With the music it doesnt really have to rhyme at all so they can pretty much be anywhere. Im trying to be less limiting with my rhyming and just make flowing verse.

I really have a clear way of how i want the vocals to sound but I gotta find a good key, i dunno if ill be able to sing it the way I want to, im thinkin about getting a girl to sing it for me.

Oooh, but if she's lying on him then everything is fine ... But, uhm.. where'd she come from? Sorry for nagging on you, these nightshifts make me horrible :twisted:
I know that the rhyme scheme changes as the song goes on, I thought it was kinda off at first too but it sounds fine. With the music it doesnt really have to rhyme at all so they can pretty much be anywhere. Im trying to be less limiting with my rhyming and just make flowing verse.
All for it, two thumbs up!
im thinkin about getting a girl to sing it for me.
YEAH! A sweet Kate Earl on this would blow my mind!

:)
-man

Well it starts off saying "the light hits my open eyes," cause trees dont sleep. And he waits for the girl, who is young at the start, to come play under him. Then when she gets older she brings the boy under the tree with her.

and you love, you never sit alone with me.
and you love, when only one back touches me.

he almost sounds jealous here, which isnt exactly what I was going for, i wanted him to like them both, i feel like i got that through though and its a little bit of humor.

actually i figured it out, the tree doesn't exactly understand love at the start, but at the end when the dad talks to the girl he gets it.

I dont know what to call the song yet but I do not want it to be entirely clear whos who(or whos a tree) at the start. I think it all comes clear as you read the story though.

P.S. If your trying to play this then go through the whole strum pattern for each line. i.e. for the first 4 lines youd play
G C Em D
G C Em D
Em C G D (the em comes on "you" and the C comes on the comma)
Em C G D

Ack! ACK! Triple ack!

See, I was thinking the chorus bit "and you love" was the tree talking the love itself, not the girl... Fortunately, if this is any consolation, there's one and a half hour left of my last nightshift (ya, ya, I know I keep whining about it..)

But now it's all fallen into place, so thank you :) Looking forward to try and play it! Have you thought of recording it?

:)
-man

Hi Dneck

I like this , its' darn good

I m undecided about the wink I like ( wink ) and I also like Pbees' suggestion as well ..

So I guess its' your song in the end ,
( but personally I usually go with Pbees ideas in the end as they usually do fit the bill )

Anyway good writting mate

Hope to see you in here more often mate

Hilch :?:

hey im thinkin about adding some verses, i think i might start with an unexplained intro with a grave by the tree. And then give the younger girl an entire verse

I think that sounds like a great idea... I was sort of of hoping you could add a verse at the end where the daughter meets a boy there, but with a grave standing there, I think he'd find it creepy :shock:

Will you post the rewrite when you're done, please?

:)
-man

http://www.soundclick.com/anydaynow

I dont quite sing it 100% like this, cause I really dont even know the words that well haha, but it should give you an idea.
I hope I pull off the chorus, thats the part I really see a girl singing, and the ending vocal melody could change more and go higher but I dunno if I can do it.

G C Em D
The sun came up this morning and shed some light on my open eyes
My love's been sleeping soundly in her flower bed all night
And I remember how she was so long ago
An angel lying just beneath making patterns in the snow

Em C G D
and you love I remember your story
For you love I wait here patiently

and the boy came sometimes too but only one back was touchin me
And I wouldn't trade that day for any river, rock, or stream

and you love you wouldnt sit alone with me
and you love when only one back was touchin me

and she said yes and then smiled real big and the boy smiled too and grabbed my twig
and as he placed it in her hair…I couldn't help but stare

at their love as they sat beneath my leaves
at their love and all it seemed to be

and a new one came to sit onetime, she looked like him but she had her eyes
and she smiled like they did on that night so many years ago

when they loved and only slept outside
when they loved and never slept a wink all night

but his smile was gone when he came that day and he broke down cryin when he said her name
and you could see it on her face when he tried to explain those things you never can

like her love and how it never really dies
but she does, and he still can see her eyes
and just then, I finally understood
that with love, no explanations good
it just is, that look beneath her eyes
that lives on, in her after she dies

Dude, I would love to have a voice like yours! Great job!

:)
-man

hey thanks a lot man. I dunno if anyones ever said that before haha. I really sucked at singing like a year ago, i just looked at these videos I made and god I was so bad haha. But thankfully ive gotten things under control lately. If you want a stronger voice just sing scales man its like going to the gym, its not fun but it makes singing songs very easy because you already remember how to make every note, there was one I did where it almost sounded like yodeling but it worked so well I was a better singer in about a week.

I was havin a little trouble with the chorus, a couple times it was awsome and they were all alright. I could just see this girl blowing that away and it would sound so good haha.
it just is, that look beneath her eyes

im definetly going to go higher for this part, i think im gonna work on a full version with more instruments and a solo part, if i can pull it off in C (its in C# right now) then I could use a harmonica.

oh, boy i a.d.o.r.e it!
you don't like bright eyes, do you? it reminds me a bit of conor oberst, the way you sing, but that is good, a compliment so to speak. because i love voices like that. and the lyrics are amazing, too.
you almost had me weeping at the end of the song...

wow.
nothing more to say.
really really excellent song. ["might have some artistic merit"? it certainly does have a lot.]

cheers,
bluenightangel

.. still happy... such songs make me happy....

Ya the first songs I could ever really sing were all bright eyes, I think I know every song on "Im wide Awake Its morning" And Half of "lifted".

I definetly used my connor voice for this part "and as he placed it in her hair…I couldn't help but stare"

I have another song up on there that has a lot of bright eyes in it. "A War Without Words"

Thanks a lot I really appriciate it.