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SSG-42 Passin through NEW MP3

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(@dneck)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 630
Topic starter  

http://www.myspace.com/deepfreeze123

I forgotten how you felt when you lay close by
When our hands went exploring and we never felt shy
And our smiles never left us as we lay in the dark
Under the trees, falling leaves in the middle of the park

And the road leads back to you
But i'm passin' strait through
And don't think I'm through with you

And it seems its been a thousand years since last we met
But I remember your smile clearly oh how could I forget?
You seem so perfect in my memory just the good parts of you
Can I recall, the bad just falls, and leaves my perfect view

And the road leads back to you
But I'm passin strait through
And don't think I'm through with you

As time slips by I forget to cry and I am falling through the years
and every thought I have of you I have to stop and feel the pierce
I burned all the pictures in my hands but in my head ones burnin yet
and so I take a moment to myself just to remember to forget

(instrumental)

Cause its always just the same
And im through playin that game
Just cause your play things never change

Doesn't me I can't

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
 

Hi,

Really liked your MP3. I also liked your singing voice on the chorus . . . . and wonder it you might try singing the verses, too.

I have a little problem with how the chorus reads . . . you through you through . . . . a little too much. Maybe something like;

And all roads lead back to you,
leading me to believe we're not through,
but I pass on by . . . .

Just a thought.

Good music!

Neil


   
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(@dneck)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 630
Topic starter  

ya the word hooks were intentional, I did it a couple of other places too and tried to vary the useages. I also set about to write the verses as spoken word poetry lol. However I was thinking about using an effect on the voice for that part, and ive tried singing a part for the chorus too, its got to be a slow drawn out

I saw, from floor 2
they stood, clear in view

Not that those are real words but that rhyme scheme you know what I mean?

Its really singable but I couldnt sing those verse words there are way too many of em.

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
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Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Dneck

Sounds very good - I particularly like the instrumental.

Couple of points

I'd make the line

And it seems its been a thousand years since last we met

into

And it seems its been a thousand years since we last met

Takes the Shakespearian twang out of it :wink:

I like the spoken aspect of the verses as it lends a melancholia to the song especially the last line of the last verse which is really good writing. I love clever stuff like that. I reckon you could easily sing it but keep the spoken part as well - multitrack vocals - and just mix them so the singing is underneath the spoken verse - just an idea to try. They don't have to match perfectly - in fact it's preferable if they don't.

The chorus is weak in comparison to the rest of the song but if, like me, you just put words down as filler until you can sort them out then that's fine you'll obviously address it in due course.

Great stuff

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@off-he-goes)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1259
 

I agree with Bob on this one, the chorus is a bit weak, but the rest is great.

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


   
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(@dneck)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 630
Topic starter  

sounds weak or weak writing?

I reused the words on purpose but people don't seem to like it haha.

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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(@off-he-goes)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1259
 

Written weak. I like how the words are reused, but it seems to simple compared to the verses. I don't know if it's the lengtht or the simplicity or something.

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


   
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(@dneck)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 630
Topic starter  

well I was going for simple, look at the beatles lyrics they are as simple as it gets and perfect. The chorus and music was written like a few weeks ago and I wrote the words like 4 days ago. The music is a bit somber so I figured the words should be too. I wanted the chorus and the verse to say the same thing 2 different ways, the chorus just some good sounding singing with simple words that set the mood (speaking of which I should rerecord the chorus I was kind of hoarse yesterday) And then the verse be flowing poetry with the same somber tone.

I should probably rerecord this whole thing.

To a metronome.

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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(@off-he-goes)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1259
 

Thats cool then, simplicty does work quite often. It's good either way.

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Dneck

When I say weak I am actually only referring to the last line of the chorus - I know what you're trying to do but I think that last line just doesn't do it IMO. In comparison to the rest of the song, which I think is really good, it's just not there.

I've tried to come up with some suggestions but can't at the moment :oops:

Hope that clears up what I meant.

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey Dneck,

Nice work... lyrically and the recording.

I got stuck on the last line of the chorus also. It's not that it is too simple ( it's a good contrast to the verses ), it just doesn't seem to fit for me. I think what you're after is that you're trying to hint that even though you're not going back, you're still not completely over it. However, the line "don't think I'm through with you", when read as a command to your ex, breaks the melancholy mood of the song and sounds like your going to stop by sometime and give her a piece of your mind ( or worse ). It's always tough trying to come up with a line that cleary shows double-mindedness in the singer, and I think that's why no-one's been able to suggest an alternative for you yet.

Also the part:
You seem so perfect in my memory just the good parts of you
Can I recall, the bad just falls, and leaves my perfect view

I love the the concept of these lines, but "good parts" and "the bad" seems a little under-descriptive of the emotions. I always want to know more. Specifically, what bad thing falls away? I'd like it if you would name it instead of just refereing to it.

On the whole, though, great stuff. Keep at it.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Dneck,
I like your song too, Im with the rest with respect to the chorus, and I know what your saying about the repeated words but Im not sure that they work. Maybe something like this:
And the road leads back to you
And though youll see me passing through
Dont believe Im over you

just a thought cos I havent heard it yet so it might not fit the music.

Good work here I think

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@dneck)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 630
Topic starter  

Ya that third line on the chorus was an afterthought to fit the first 2, it fits ok but ill change probably change it if I think of something better. And I might change some verse too just a little. Im gonna try to work on this song some more in the next few days. Thanks for the comments.

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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(@dneck)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 630
Topic starter  

Heres a little touch up I tried some new things plz let me know what you think. Im gonna rerecord this tomorrow and get it all right, and there will be 5ths harmony, and bongos!

I forgotten how you felt when you lay close by
When our hands went exploring and we never felt shy
And our smiles never left us as we lay in the dark
Where we promised wed remember and we sealed it with mark

And the road leads back to you
But i'm passin' strait through
And I won't miss my follow through

(I just thought of this third line, not convinced it is better, what do you think?)

And it seems its been a thousand years since last we met
But I can see your smile so clearly now oh how could I forget?
Your so perfect in my memory just the good parts of you
Can I recall, the flaws just fall, and you melt back into view

And the road leads back to you
But I'm passin strait through
And I won't miss my follow through

As time slips by I forget to cry and I am falling through the years
and every thought I have of you I have to stop and feel the pierce
I burned all the pictures in my hands but in my head ones burnin yet
and so I take a moment to myself just to remember to forget

(instrumental)

Cause its always just the same
And im through playin that game
Just cause your play things never change

Doesn't me I can't

Actually im pretty sure I hate that new third line, am I crazy?

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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(@embrace_the_darkness)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 539
 

Hey Dneck, great song, like the rewrite, but have to say that I prefer the original line to your new third one. I think it's because you've got through ryming with through. Same words often don't work that well.

Stick to the original, it had a nice ring to it.

Pete

ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"


   
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