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SSG Week 11 - "Achilles Heel"

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(@kevin72790)
Prominent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 837
Topic starter  

I've had a hard time with this week until about an hour ago when I thought up "achilles heel" as a cliche. And ever since then I've pretty much flown with the song. The song is about a battle within ones mind, I feel like we all have them, and sometimes one power wins over another. The song would be song in a similar fashion to Syd Barrett's song "Dark Globe"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=3lo4DTTGT5A <--link to "Dark Globe" if you want to get the idea of the song before you read the lyrics to my song

Achilles Heel
Song Copyrighted by Me

Alone in my mind,
Thoughts passing by.
They can't unwind.
You come, why?
No more mankind,
Good bye.

You see me,
I fancy you.
We desire it.
Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel

What's left,
What's right?
Sitting down,
Standing up.
Look above,
Look below.

You see me,
I fancy you.
We desire it.
Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel

It's nothing major.
It's nothing minor.
Fine, lets wager,
Be a shiner.
I'm the stager.
Be my cypher.

Did it occur?
Did it occur?
All is blur
All is slur
I'm no cur
I defer

You fancy me,
And I see you.
We desire it.
Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel

Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel
Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel

~~~~~

Thanks for reading, hope it was good. I like it more than my past song, a lot more actually.


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Soooo.....Hendrix last week, Syd this week - gives me some idea where you're going with this, I'm thinking kind of dark and brooding.....

If I'm reading this correctly, it seems to be about someone fighting his inner demons.....then it wanders off during the chorus, and seems to be about something else entirely....

Some of the imagery's pretty good....

Alone in my mind,
Thoughts passing by.
They can't unwind.

What's left,
What's right?
Sitting down,
Standing up.
Look above,
Look below.

Those parts seem to work quite well.....but this section....

It's nothing major.
It's nothing minor.
Fine, lets wager,
Be a shiner.
I'm the stager.
Be my cypher.

First two lines I like, the rest of it seems a bit thrown-together....I don't get the "Shiner" or "Stager" references....so I kind of lost the plot hereabouts....

Then the last section sort of pulls it back together....

Did it occur?
Did it occur?
All is blur
All is slur
I'm no cur
I defer

Confusion, and the contradictory last two lines....

Maybe I'm reading it all wrong?

I dunno - seems you've got the basis of a good song, just needs a little work in places....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@kevin72790)
Prominent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 837
Topic starter  

Soooo.....Hendrix last week, Syd this week - gives me some idea where you're going with this, I'm thinking kind of dark and brooding.....
Mmmm...it's hard to explain. I wouldn't say dark and brooding, just uncertain I guess. Becaese I believe simply...'you never know!' If that makes any sense.
Alone in my mind,
Thoughts passing by.
They can't unwind.
You come, why?
No more mankind,
Good bye.
You got it here Vic. In this verse the 'man' encounters his inner demon, or whatever it may be.
You see me,
I fancy you.
We desire it.
Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel
The man fancys this 'inner demon'. And a sense of losing self-control is coming.
What's left,
What's right?
Sitting down,
Standing up.
Look above,
Look below.
Confusion in his mind on what is right and what is wrong, he continues to change.
You see me,
I fancy you.
We desire it.
Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel
Same as I said above.
It's nothing major.
It's nothing minor.
Fine, lets wager,
Be a shiner.
I'm the stager.
Be my cypher.
Here's the part most people would get confused, and I understand why. This is the part I'm trying to make better. Nothing major, nothing minor shows that the man is giving in. The third line (Fine, lets wager) is the man willing to give himself up to his innerself. Shiner/stager are some weird words I know from my english class (don't ask, lol). The "Be a shiner" line is the man giving in, telling his innervoice to take control, to shine. A stager is someone who's been through a lot in life, so in other words the 'man' is giving into his innerself. The two lines indicate the innervoice taking control. So in other words the innervoice is saying "I'm in control now...be my cypher" and a cypher is a person of no influence.
Did it occur?
Did it occur?
All is blur
All is slur
I'm no cur
I defer
Innervoice is speaking in the first 5 lines here. A cur is someone who is nothing, a coward or something to that effect. The 6th line (I defer) is the innervoice (but now at this time the person in control), disagreeing.
You fancy me,
And I see you.
We desire it.
Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel
Not sure if it's noticable but I flipped the first two lines to "You fancy me" instead of "And I see you" as in the power has completely changed.
Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel
Achilles heel,
Achilles heel.
You're my achilles heel
Inner voice still speaking and losing it all.

~~~

Yea, it's weird as hell and I can't really explain it but I think it makes a lot of sense once you get used to the words and such, lol. I admit, if I first read this song I'd be like "huh?" at first too.


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Kevin (spelt it right this time)
I don't know about you but I can still hear Jimi in this one too, I've got “Purple Haze” in my head at the moment. I haven't watched the video yet.
I had to read it a few times to get an idea of what was going on here, and your explanation certainly helped there, thanks. It all makes sense now, but I think as a listener I probably wouldn't get it until Id heard it a few times and had poured over the lyrics. That's not necessarily a bad thing its just that I think the music would have to carry this song until that time. I can see this song as one that would grow on me, pretty good effort really.

Cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@lavadave)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 54
 

I find it interesting how much you've used the word "fancy." I see that your location says United States, but I've rarely heard anyone from the US using fancy the way that you're using it. It definitely comes across sounding English english. Anyone fancy a curry?


   
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(@kevin72790)
Prominent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 837
Topic starter  

I find it interesting how much you've used the word "fancy." I see that your location says United States, but I've rarely heard anyone from the US using fancy the way that you're using it. It definitely comes across sounding English english. Anyone fancy a curry?
lol, well I think it's a good word, especially for that line. I don't use it in real life, but I think it's perfect for that line.
Hi Kevin (spelt it right this time)
I don't know about you but I can still hear Jimi in this one too, I've got “Purple Haze” in my head at the moment. I haven't watched the video yet.
I had to read it a few times to get an idea of what was going on here, and your explanation certainly helped there, thanks. It all makes sense now, but I think as a listener I probably wouldn't get it until Id heard it a few times and had poured over the lyrics. That's not necessarily a bad thing its just that I think the music would have to carry this song until that time. I can see this song as one that would grow on me, pretty good effort really.

Cheers

Paul
Thanks. Yea, I'd like to keep that "weird verse" as a rhyme...but at the same time I'd like to use some words people actually know.


   
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