I thought I would use this weeks challenge to try and get to grips with a song I have had Kicking around for a while but never really drawn the threads together.
In my line of work I meet alot of people who are dying and sometimes in those last few weeks you can develop quite a profound and memorable relationship with them.
Occasionally you meet somebody who wants to die in their own way and at the time of their choosing.
I want to write a song about a man dying of lung cancer who asks his wife to help lift him up from the world that is hurting him too much.
The first verse will be about his sadness at dying.
He sees the world carrying on around him but he knows his time is done.
In the next verse we discover how much he loves his wife and he asks her to help him
In the final verse we see the priest praying over him.
The chorus will be an uplifting request to help him onto the 'Angel Road'
I see it being a fairly up beat song despite the content and it should have a positive vibe.
I'll post the first verse and chorus soon.
Beren
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind
So here is the first verse
I wake up in the same town every day
And every stone and stair remains the same
Every time I cough it reminds me what I've lost
I've no-one but myself left to blame
chorus
Put my feet on that angel road
There's only one direction left to go
I could use a little help now
To lift my heavy soul
Put my feet on that angel road
I'm not sure if it works repeating the line in the chorus but I couldn't think of anything else.
p.s. you should know that in Scotland a stair is a group of tenement flats all reached from the same staircase.
Beren
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind
This a really good start - don't give up on it. Very powerful. The Angel Road as is the 'every cough....' lines are very good lines.
Good stuff
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
Beren,
Wow, I really like it so far. It has a nice, easy rhythm. It does sound uplifting and spiritual (helped by the "angel" road). Like Bob, I like the repetition of that line in the chorus.
I look forward to reading the rest!
- SP
Beren,
I just want to add my accolades to those of Bob and SP. What you've posted is very well done, as SP noted, the rhythm flows well and it's a song that offers hope at a time when people may feel helpless. When I read the chorus it reminds me of Southern Gospel. I hope you can post the rest soon, I'm looking forward to seeing the finished work.
--Scratch
Ok the full song now. I have to say I found this a difficult song to write and I'm not sure I've done justice to the story that I was trying to tell but I hope you like it.
ANGEL ROAD
I wake up in the same town every day
And every stone and stair remains the same
Every time I cough it reminds me what I've lost
I've no-one but myself left to blame
Chorus
Put my feet on that angel road
There's only one direction left to go
I could use a little help now
To lift my heavy load
Put my feet on that Angel Road
I've been with you all my happy days
You always were the one that could be brave
But the needle's not as long
As the time that I'll be gone
I hope that you can lift me on my way
chorus
There's seven men in black praying over me
And seven ravens watching from the trees
In seven days the world was made
But sooner I'll have raised
My feet on that Angel Road
chorus.
I would love to hear what you think about this song. I really feel like I put alot of myself into this one.
Beren
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind
Hey Beren
I really like this. There's a small issue with the first verse having 4 lines and the others having 5. But then the four line bit could just be an intro type thing. So its not a big deal. This seems very heartfelt. It does have sort of a gospel flavor to it lyrically. Not in a traditional gospel sense but more in a soulful U2 kinda way.
The line "You always were the one that could be brave "
Feels a little odd to me. But that could just be me.
In any case. Good work.
-Marv
Thanks Marv
I just noticed the fact that the first verse has less lines.
In fact when I sing it the 3rd line of the first verse actually takes up 2 lines.
For me the most important verse in the song is the second one -from the point of view of telling a short story- and I'm still not convinced I've really captured the moment of a man asking his wife to help him die.
I was toying with an alternative verse.
I lie beside you in the fading light
Can't bear to let you see me lose the fight
Help me put on my clothes and
Remember me in those
I'll slip away when I've wished you goodnight
maybe I should put it in as well or maybe that would make the whole thing a bit sickly sweet.
I suspect the song is better without it but I'm grateful for any suggestions
Beren
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind
Beren,
Personally, I would use your alternative verse in place of verse two. It doesn't convey the idea that he's asking for help, like your current v2 does, but it does speak of his decision and the reasons behind it, and the chorus does a good job of expressing his desire for some help in the decision. I really like your alternative. If you decide to keep vs. 2, I would fit the altenate in there somewhere. Maybe between 2 & the last verse. The last verse is also very well done, by the way. I love the symbology you've used in 3 repetitions of 7.
Thanks, this is a really good song. I'm glad to have read it.
Scratch
Thanks Scratch
Its really great to get some feedback about a song and it can be difficult to look objectively at your own work and decide which lines or verses are the best.
I think I'll try recording a couple of versions myself and seeing which sounds the best but if you suggest the alternative verse then I probably will use it.
Beren
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind
