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SSG - Week 15

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(@denim_tonque)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 17
Topic starter  

Wow, seems tough at first, but then you realize you do this everytime, just not so consciously.  Great exercise.
I struggled getting an idea, then it hit me.  This comes from an incident I scratched out in my journal because it made me mad & I didn't want to lose that energy, but it never became song.....til now!

No title yet.  It's about how sometimes religion & church goers can be hypocritical.  IE - you steal, etc., but go to church so you are good.  I am moral, but DON'T go to church so must be bad.

Chorus: Do not Judge me.......
 Some people go to church because they HAVE to.........
  Kinda thing.

1st verse: Man with hands in the till, stealing from employer, criticizing others, self-righteous.

2nd verse: Girl living with guilt, over "what good girls do", church teachings.

3rd verse: Should we be judged by # of times we go to church or by our actions?


   
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(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago
Posts: 0
 

Sounds interesting...very worthy topic (I can see how it might be emotional and controversial).

- SP


   
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(@denim_tonque)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 17
Topic starter  

Rough copy.........

No title Yet

Chorus:
Do not judge me, I'm no fool
Don't you know the golden rule
I try to forgive what it is they do
Some people go to church because they have to

V1
Started here right out of high school
Do your shift with a hand in the till
preaching at the guys on break
walk the line or you're goin' to hell

V2
Knew a girl, she was pretty too
Mama told her what's right & wrong
Here's what the good girls do
things they don't, that list is long

V3?
Your actions speak loud, and
Sunday mornings cannot hide
It's still a sin if no one's around
7th day I sleep, but I've never lied

dunno, sounds forced.  Gotta smooth it out, maybe?


   
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(@blackswan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 51
 

I really like the topic, a song like this could be really interesting and controvercial--good thing, good thing.

Now about the song, yes, it does sound a bit forced, so let's see, I'll try to break it down...

Chorus:
Do not judge me, I'm no fool
Don't you know the golden rule
I try to forgive what it is they do
Some people go to church because they have to

I don't really like the last line here. I get what you're trying to say but it doesn't really work here. Also the first sentence seems a little cliche so might want to reword it.

V1
Started here right out of high school
Do your shift with a hand in the till
preaching at the guys on break
walk the line or you're goin' to hell

First line, I would change to "started right here out of high school", I dunno, it just reads better for me.
Second line, a little confusion, but second read clarifies it.

V2
Knew a girl, she was pretty too
Mama told her what's right & wrong
Here's what the good girls do
things they don't, that list is long

Since it's "knew" a girl, everything else should follow in past tense. And I don't think the lines work here, maybe something like "mama told her what was right or wrong, what the good girls do and what can't be done"

V3?
Your actions speak loud, and
Sunday mornings cannot hide
It's still a sin if no one's around
7th day I sleep, but I've never lied

Second line here is awkward, reword it a little?

anyway, my work here is done :).

best,
Laura


   
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(@denim_tonque)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 17
Topic starter  

Great suggestions........

No title Yet

Chorus:
Do not judge me, for I'm no fool
Do you know the golden rule
I try and forgive what it is they do
Some confess 'cause they have to

V1
started right here out of high school
Do your shift with a hand in the till
preaching to the guys on break,
walk the line or you're goin' to hell

V2
Know a girl, and she's pretty too
mama told her what's right & wrong,
what the good girls do
and what can't be done

V3?
Your actions speak loud, and
Sunday service does not hide
A sin's a sin if no one see's
On the day of rest I sleep in
but i can look you in the eye
And hold my head up high

Well! now V3 may need to be a sort of bridge??
Thanks Laura - great suggestions.
Just sitting here reworking this, I was overcome by these lines:

My conscience it is clear,
a model for those held dear
To do the things that are right
and live with myself each night

I'm not perfect by any means
but I can tell the difference, it seems
between your actions & your thoughts
You talk, but do you walk the walk?

Now what? The pattern changed, Do I add them? I can get words easy, but I want good words, form & structure!!


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

The reworked version is really good and is certainly going in the right direction.

The longer verse 3 I'd go with your instincts and make it into a bridge.  Something like (and this is fairly rough):

Your actions speak loud and
Sunday service cannot hide
It's still a sin if no one sees
And while your show
Of piety is obvious there's
A witness to your hypocrisy

As for the last lines you're mulling make them into the final verse but combine them to get the best out of them.  Make the verse about the narrator's position so while he/she is criticising the other people what do they do that's different.

Hope that helps.

Good stuff

Bob :)

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@denim_tonque)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 17
Topic starter  

Golden Rule
 
Chorus:  
Do not judge me, I'm no fool  
For I know a golden rule  
I try and forgive what they do  
Some confess 'cause they have to  
 

V1  
started here right out of school
Work your shift with a hand in the till  
preaching to the guys on break,
walk the line or you're goin' to hell

 
V2  
I know a girl, and she's pretty too  
mama told her what's right & wrong,  
what the good girls do  
and what can't be done

 
Bridge
Your actions speak loud, and  
Sunday service does not hide  
It's still a sin if no one see's  
On the day of rest I sleep in,
A witness to your hypocrisy

V3
My conscience.... it is clear,
And I'm not perfect by any means
but I can tell the difference, it seems
between what you say & what you do

Or something like that.............


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Good stuff works really well apart from the bridge.  The last line really needs to say the opposite of what it does now to tie in with the line above.  Because the narrator's lying in bed they won't witness the hypocrisy. Just seems a bit disjointed.

Something like

I'll not witness your hypocrisy

It gets your message across really well

Good stuff

Bob :)

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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