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SSG Week 33 - FATHER'S DAY - with MP3

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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Father's day isn't what it used to be . . . . .

http://www.soundclick.com/neilstuart

FATHER'S DAY

It's Father's day
and he wants me to confess
it's Father's day
time to undo my mess
he'll listen to what I say
tell me to change my way
he doesn't understand
he's not an ordinary man

father do you hear me
father do you fear me
I'm not like you
what should I do

father knows my mother
better that he should
only last week
I saw them sneak off in the woods
and latter in the evening
I saw my mother smile
something I haven't seen
in a long long while

father do you hear me
father do you fear me
I'm not like you
what should I do

now I may not have any morals
but I've learned a thing or two
I know there are things
you should and shouldn't do
but if you're going to talk the talk
you gotta walk it just so
cause people are going to be watching
everywhere you go

father do you hear me
father do you fear me
I'm not like you
what should I do

it's fathers day
to come around again
it's fathers day
to come and make pretend
he'll say that everything's okay
listen to what I say
and though I may be in my youth
I know the whole damn truth

father do you hear me
father do you fear me
I'm not like you
what should I do

he's a prime example
of everything's that's wrong
he says he's part of the family
but I know he doesn't belong
he maybe a father
but I'm not his son
my real father left me
after I turned one

father don't Forgive me
though I have sinned
no you're not my father
you're not him

father do you hear me
father do you fear me
I'm not like you
and I won't do what you do


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Nice twist to the topic, Neil - the MP3's good. The same old minor quibble - you've recorded so soon after writing, you haven't had a real chance to practise your phrasing......though this is pretty close!

Good song, I like the way it developes slowly for the first couple of verses, then we get the full story....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey Trev,

Good stuff. The rhythm of it is great.

Like Vic, I thought the story rolled out perfectly. Of all the songs of yours I've read, I think this one has the best "economy of words"*; even though there's a lot of words, none of them are wasted, and I didn't detect any throwaway/placeholder phrases.

You might consider throwing in a bridge at some point to break up the song a bit. I'd go with a musical bridge since you don't need to say anything more.

*A phrase I picked up from Paul way back at my first or second song.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@embrace_the_darkness)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 539
 

Hey Neil

I agree with Vic, a good twist on the topic for this week. The way it develops is well written, making sure each of the verses are interesting and carry another part of the story, and don't become just a "filler" verse.

A musical bridge (as suggested by slowplay) might be a good idea, perhaps between verses 4 and 5 - leaving the listener waiting just a little bit longer to find out the whole story from the last verse?

Great writing mate

Pete

ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Neill

Good piece tells a good story very well.

Good take on the assignment.

Good stuff

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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 Olav
(@olav)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 150
 

Nice stuff Neil. Surprising take on the assignment......(good that is!!!)
I totally agree with the bridge comments stated. I think the lyrics of verse 3 would make a great bridge to break it up a little - using verse 4 as verse 3, and end it with maybe two choruses. Food for thoughts. Enjoyed it alot
Olav


   
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