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SSG Week 34: Motto
 
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SSG Week 34: Motto

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(@embrace_the_darkness)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 539
Topic starter  

Hey guys, back again this week!

Motto

V1
When I was but a young boy
I often asked my Dad
"what will I be when I grow up?
What adventures will I have?"

V2
To answer all my questions,
A little phrase I won't forget
And if you listen closely,
I'll tell you exactly what he said;

Chorus
You can do whatever you want, son
Nothing will stand in your way
Just remember what I tell you, son
Remember what I say;
"If you tell yourself it's easy
You may even find it is"
So I'll never forget this simlpe phrase
Which became a motto of his

V3
When I was but a young man
I often asked my Dad
"What should I do now with my life?
What choices do I have?"

V4
To answer all my questions,
A little phrase I won't forget
And if you listen closely,
I'll tell you exactly what he said;

Chorus
You can do whatever you want, son
Nothing will stand in your way
Just remember what I tell you, son
Remember what I say;
"If you tell yourself it's easy
You may even find it is"
So I'll never forget this simlpe phrase
Which became a motto of his

V5
Now that I have grown up
I cannot ask my Dad
For his wisdom or his knowledge
On any questions that I have

V6
But I know he would have listened
And I know that his reply
Would have been his little motto
That now brings a tear to my eye

Chorus
You can do whatever you want, son
Nothing will stand in your way
Just remember what I tell you, son
Remember what I say;
"If you tell yourself it's easy
You may even find it is"

Outro verse
So I'll never forget his motto
And the reason for this is
That it's now become my motto
Which I tell to my own kids

Thoughts/comments/feedback in general etc. welcomed as allways :)

Pete

ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"


   
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(@drunkrock)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 159
 

Ther verses were great and easy to sing but the chorus...
Chorus
You can do whatever you want, son
Nothing will stand in your way
Just remember what I tell you, son
Remember what I say;
"If you tell yourself it's easy
You may even find it is"
So I'll never forget this simlpe phrase
Which became a motto of his

The first 3 lines are a good, but I think in order for this to work, you will have to take some artistic license with the line like Ellenback did.


   
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 Olav
(@olav)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 150
 

Great song, I love the progression from child to adult, although it did not say an adult that's how I read into it. Others may see it differently. Chorus is brilliant, verses are good, but I'd like to see some more meat in verse 3...although you don't have a lot of room to change a whole lot……maybe it is best you leave it as it is since the chorus tells the story so powerful. Great work …are we going to hear it soon?
Blessings. Olav


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Pete me old mate

3 letters is all I have for this song

WOW

Bloody good one Pete .....

Record it please !!!!!!

Trev

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@ellenback)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 26
 

Agreed, DrunkRock, that "is" to end on is a killer, rhyming-wise! But you made it work, Pete, and I can see it being sung this way...it's not a jarring stretch the way you used it.

I'm unsure about the double usage of 'remember' in the chorus...perhaps you could change, "remember what I say," to "here's what I've got to say"? There are also many replacements for the word 'remember' that you could dip into. Also not sure about the usage of the word, "motto" which seems a bit awkward to sing.

The rest of it would be a breeze, including the chorus, and I particularly liked how you wound it up at the end.

Elle


   
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(@embrace_the_darkness)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 539
Topic starter  

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

Trev - Thanks mate! It's always nice to have a comment shouted at me in bold red! :D :lol: as for recording it.....hmm.....not sure about that one. I'll have a go at making some music for it in the week, we'll see what happens - I had no music in mind when I wrote it, so this could be interesting.

Ellen - I see what you mean about the "remember", but the way I hear it in my head it kinda works... I can't explain it more than that, sorry! Maybe I'll HAVE to record this one..hmmm.......

Pete

ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"


   
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(@dougjoy)
Trusted Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 59
 

Hey Pete,

Since you are the only one who commented on my submission, I definitely owe you some feedback. Sorry I hadn't gotten to it sooner - Had to look real hard to find some room for improvement.

I think that the way in which you use the line is excellent, and I agree that the progression from youth to adult to fatherhood is a nice touch.

Normally I'd go after imagery, but being as this song is a conversation type, imagery isn't really called for. Instead it has to use honesty and truth in order to hold the listener. There is one image in your song, and that is the tear in the eye.

With verses 2 and 4 being the same, they seem to lend themselves to being kind of a pre-chorus or part of the chorus rather than a verse. Of course, verse 6 doesn't fit with dear dad having passed away. But I think it would be really cool to rework verse 5 so that the prechorus verse 6 could remain almost the same, like dad speaking in your memory or from beyond the grave (as the chorus does). Verse 5 is somewhat weak, and there isn't really a deep sense of loss for the singer's father conveyed, which is a missed opportunity to further involve the listener emotionally. After all, everyone has a father, and most people at some point have to deal with losing their father.

As I read it again, I think that the song is very nice as is. But if it could be a little less, I dunno, detached, it would exude a little more emotion, and that could be the difference between a song that really draws someone in or one that gets lost in the shuffle.

Andre


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Pete

Great song, it picks you up and carries you along it has that feel and pace to it. I hear it as a John Cougar Mellencamp number - the first line certainly shouted that at me.

There's a good logical progression in terms of the timeline and you develop it well.

Good stuff

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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