SSG WEEK 35: Better Days

Hi Ghost

It is a good feeling to be moving on, no? You definitely get your emotions out and the reader / listener can easily identify your mood. That's very cool.

What are you thinking in terms of music? The reason I ask is that in trying to come up with melodies in my head I keep getting tongue-tied on odd phrases here and there. Also some redundant word use that might be problematic when you try to sing it. It might help to take some of the stanzas and work them into a more "natural' speaking voice. Something like this:
Broken promises, once lay broken
Tossed away for better days
Lies that will never be spoken
Faded has the power of your Medusa gaze
Could easily become:

Your bright promises all lay broken
Tossed away for better days
I can't hear the lies you've spoken
I'm beyond the reach of your Medusa gaze

or something like that. The use of the Medusa is inspired and using the "monster's maze" later on definitely adds to the mystical quality of the language. It's easy to "flower up" the language when you're trying for that mythic, mystic and mysterious flavor in the lyrics. But you've still got to be able to sing it so it couldn't hurt to tighten up the language a little bit.

As always, this is just my two cents. The next poster will probably say that you need to make it more poetic than "lyrical" and the third person will say it's perfect as is. :wink:

Good work here! Looking forward to more.

Peace

Why thank you David!

Coooool!
Your bright promises all lay broken
Tossed away for better days
I can't hear the lies you've spoken
I'm beyond the reach of your Medusa gaze

I didn't think about "odd phrases" before. Well, never thought about it actually. I was getting worried that it was sounding like a *gulp* rap song. :shock:

:lol: :lol: :lol: Probably.
As always, this is just my two cents. The next poster will probably say that you need to make it more poetic than "lyrical" and the third person will say it's perfect as is.

I'm just happy to have written some lyrics about my ex after all these years.

P.S. Thanks Hilch and Lotto King for your advice on last weeks SSG.

Hi Ghost man

I actually had to go back and read what I said last week

( I thought it might have been a good line :lol: )

Can you imagine my disbelief when I re-read your song and then re-read my reply , I only told the truth there was no magical one liner I used ohh well ... :lol: :lol: :lol:

But this week you post this mate , awesome stuff I am reading what I am typeing very carefully :wink:

David makes a very good point but I do the same thing myself when posting lyrics , Get the guitar out sing it and make changes on the hard bits ..( good advise Trev when are you going to do it yourself :oops: )

Any way mate I think it is very very good and you are most defineately improving heaps

Hilch :?:

Hi Ghost

I enjoyed this thought it was a good read and certainly lays your emotions bare. A few minor suggestions from me would be to change

Faded has the power of your Medusa gaze

to

Faded like the power of your Medusa's gaze (minor I know)

and

Your selfish plans have gone up in a blaze

to

Your selfish plans ablaze

and

While you site around these days and graze

to

While you just sit around these days

I'm not quite sure about these next lines I'd be tempted to revisit them totally

I still know you
Waiting in the darkness to say boo

Otherwise Good Stuff

Bob :wink: