Okay, so insects aren't animals . . . . but they don't know that . . . . . .
http://www.soundclick.com/neilstuart
Wonder Why
Spiders spin and dance for you
Weave their web of romance for you
you don't know you're caught and you have a silly grin
you don't understand the predicament your in
you're mesmerized as you watch the show
but when it's over they don't let you go
and you watch your life go by
plenty of time to wonder why
like a moth you're attracted to light and flames
you don't have anyone else to blame
you fly around thinking you won't get caught
you hardly notice that it's getting hot
and you fly about, you never learn
the closer you get the sooner you burn
and you watch as your life goes by
as you're burning you wonder why
you're a snake and you live in the grass
you have no hands and there's nothing you grasp
you don't look back, couldn't care where you've been
but sooner or later you'll loose your skin
you watch a worm and as the worm turns
into a cocoon you become concerned
and you wonder if you're watching the end
wondering if it's happening again
but in a matter of time you can see
what a transformation life can be
and you watch and wonder why
you couldn't be that butterfly
Okay, so insects aren't animals . . . . but they don't know that . . . . . .
But you did bring the snake into it so you're OK.
I like it good use of imagery throughout.
You seem to be having a bit of a problem with the rhythm near
the end of each verse.
Maybe if you edit some it may help.
you're mesmerized as you watch the show
but when it's over they don't let you go
Something like
you're mesmerized watching the show
but when it's over they don't let go
I Know :? last week I said I like it when you pull off the longer lines
but it's not quite working here.
John
Okay, so insects aren't animals . . . . but they don't know that . . . . . .
Why do you say that? Wikipedia says: "Insects (Class Insecta) are a major group of arthropods and the most diverse group of animals on the Earth, with over a million described species—more than all other animal groups combined." They are one of the primary categories of animals.
I agree that some of the rhythm could use some work, but it can be tough to comment on that with lyrics as they might be delivered in a way that makes sense. As I'm reading them, though, I kind of feel like the rhythm and number of syllables could be a bit smoother with some editing.
That's my only real criticism, though - I think you did a really good job. I was mulling over some possibilities for this assignment and I couldn't think of anything good / not cliche at all, and here you went and used multiple metaphors to really good effect. Nice work :)
-- Voidious
I like it. There's a neat logical progression to the way it builds, and , though I can't hear the MP3 yet the lyrics read well enough. I like the way it's not dependent on the hook coming in on the chorus every couple of verses - the imagery's strong enough to avoid that. I especially like the last verse (although shouldn't it be caterpillar not worm? and the last two lines are a lovely ending.
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Thanks Guys,
As Vic will tell you, I almost always post with a first take MP3 and so the wording and rhythm are usually off. I like to get comments and suggestions before I get too attached to the song . . . . . makes it easier for me to make changes. So the points are well taken and appreciated, and thanks, John, I will incorporate you suggestions. They work well.
And Vic, I can always count on you. I did catch myself on the incorrectness of the worm . . . . .but I left it as was in the posting wondering who might call me on it. Gee, you were the only one. Thanks. :lol:
Neil
