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SSG week 39

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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
Topic starter  

Hello, well this was fun !!!! but I could never see me recording it ... a bit rapper for me, but all I could come up with.

I found myself floating on a cloud of silver white,
in the dead of night ,
not a soul in sight
but there was the light I'd heard so much about
but I had some doubt

Who was that man in the corner of my eye
who began to cry
as I floated by
knowing I had died and was on my way
and was here to stay

I saw him shake and I saw him shiver
and I thought he reigned over the styx river

I turned on my cloud and looked him in the eye
A quivering guy
He couldn't deny
But I didn't know why, till he asked me to go
and leave him alone

I saw him shake and I saw him shiver
and I thought he reigned over the styx river

I saw my soul reflected in the cold and murky deep
He hadn't got much sleep
In his dirty little keep
once he heard my feet, and knew I was on my way
later on this day

My light shone bright and made him turn away
and made his darkness day
before he could say
just please, go away, and leave me alone
just go home

I saw him shake and I saw him shiver
and I thought he reigned over the styx river

I'm here to clean up , this festering dirty hole
black like coal
that was my goal
that was my role, and I wasn't gonna leave
even if he said please again because

I saw him shake and I saw him shiver
and I thought he reigned over the styx river

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Some interesting imagery, Jamir, but I'm getting conflicting messages....at first I thought the narrator's just a random soul arriving in the underworld, from the first two verses...then it seemed like the narrator's an angel, or archangel, perhaps, come to clean up the underworld? (I'm here to clean up this festering dirty hole...)

Or maybe it's just that I'm tired - it's almost 4am - and my brain's not putting it all together? I'll have another look when I've had some sleep...one thing that did jar a little, though, was the tense of this section....

"I'm here (PRESENT TENSE)to clean up , this festering dirty hole
black like coal
that was (PAST TENSE? maybe "that's" - Present tense again - would work better...) my goal
that was my role, and I wasn't gonna leave
even if he said please again because"

Maybe the whole thing should be in the present tense....although, on second thoughts, the rest of the song is in the past (reported) tense, so maybe it's "I'm here" that needs changing? Bah. I hate it when I can't think straight! Too tired...

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Ja'mir,

Good start :D I like the imagery going on.

Suggestion:

There is a lot of set up but little action. Consider telling more of the story behind the characters...more action focused...is the singer an angel?...is the place to be cleaned up Hell or Earth?

"and I thought he reigned over the styx river"...this line adds a bit of confusion as to who the singer is.

If it is a human soul rising to Heaven it's understandable they might not recognize the Devil but then why have the task of cleaning up the dirty hole?

BUT

If the singer is an angel it's understandable they might have the task of cleaning up the dirty hole but why would they not recognize the Devil?

The majority of the idea is there. It just might take a few words or lines here or there to modify for clarification.

James


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
Topic starter  

whoops !!! ok back to the drawing board... in the words of "ol Nick" himself.... if i have to explain it, re write it
Thanks for the comments , but i think it is "bin time" for this one

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

whoops !!! ok back to the drawing board... in the words of "ol Nick" himself.... if i have to explain it, re write it
Thanks for the comments , but i think it is "bin time" for this one

Don't be too hasty...the bin's a harsh fate. Like I (well, we!) said, some good ideas and imagery there - it just needs a little clarification. Nick's rules are still holding up well, aren't they - I'd go with the re-write rather than the bin.

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@contagiousjerm)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 176
 

on't be too hasty...the bin's a harsh fate.

agree with Vic here... actually, I think I like the imagery of a soul rising to heaven and seeing Satan on the way up, though I'd suggest just having this person keep going up, and Satan having no claim on him
I saw him shake and I saw him shiver

I say forget the last verse - instead focus on the heavenly dwelling and leaving Satan behind

jeremy

And my Soundclick Page to listen to my song submissions: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=903876


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi jamir,
I think I like the imagery of a soul rising to heaven and seeing Satan on the way up, though I'd suggest just having this person keep going up, and Satan having no claim on him
Im with Jeremy, drop the last verse.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

IIRC, in Greek mythology, one had to pay the ferryman, Charon, for the ride on the River Styx to Hades.
(Hades didn't have the bad connotation it does today . . . it was just the proper place people went in their afterlife)
I believe that's why the eyes of the dead were covered with coins . . . to pay for the ride.

But putting that aside, I think this would be better if there was a conflict between the ferryman and the ascending soul . . .
where the ferryman is calling to the soul to take a ride in his boat . . . and the soul resists that temptation.
As it's written now, I'm not sure what the role of the ferryman is.

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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(@dylanbarrett)
Prominent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 628
 

I read it, I rapped with it....

Personally, it didn't matter what sense it made - it worked with right attitude....

Just add the bling, try not to sing, dunt meddle with the devil.

Rap on!
D 8)

I'm nowhere near Chicago. I've got six string, 8 fingers, two thumbs, it's dark 'cos I'm wearing sunglasses - Hit it!


   
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