Okay, my first post here in the SSG...
I think it's cheesy, but yeah... That's why I'm here, right, to improve?!
Thinking of a good title is kinda hard...
The summer is almost gone,
Your smell carried away by the wind,
The sun fading your beautiful smile
Here I stand without you,
At the summer's end,
With something to look forward to,
But a lot more to look back
Autumn is about to start,
Leaves fall and are forgotten,
As easily as my memories of you
Autumn will come and go,
Covering your footsteps with snow,
As if you where never here
Here I stand without you,
At the summer's end,
With something to look forward to,
But a lot more to look back
Days and weeks drag on,
Empty of your whispering sweet voice,
Soulless they are
Years are yet to come,
With always looking further back
And always this hope and dreams
That summer will truly revive
Unchanged
I like your lyrics, cliche's and all. :wink: Don't knock em! I'm having trouble hearing this as a song though. Some verses have 3 lines, others 4, the last five! I would love to hear a recording if you make one.
Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.
Another first timer! Welcome to the SSG and, as Kathy says, "Don't knock 'em!" One of the many tasks of any songwriter is to take cliches and rework them so that they either have a clever twist or that no one recognizes them as a cliche in their new setting (your song).
And even though there are a lot of cliches here, you do a great job of conveying a melancholy, reflective mood without making it overdone. It's light rather than heavy handed and that's quite an accomplishment, given this week's topic. I especially like this stanza:
Autumn will come and go,
Covering your footsteps with snow,
As if you were never here
Besides Kathy's concerns about rhythm and how it will all fit together as a song, I'd like to suggest you go through it and pay special attention to phrases that just seem awkward. For example, as vivid as the sentiments are in the last two stanzas, they are phrased in a way that will confound your listener even more. You have to remember that songs are sung and while lyrics may be poetic, they also have to be understood the first time your audience hears them. It's possible to be both poetic and conversational and that's one of the thin lines the songwriter should try to walk.
Looking forward to reading much more of your material.
Peace
Hi Corlenya
A very good first posting - I think David's points about cliches is spot on, they don't seem as obvious here you've worked it in well. Good imagery using the passing season as a metaphor for a passing love was where I saw this assignment going generally.
Good start certainly and look forward to reading more stuff.
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
Hi!
When I write a song I want to make sure it is exactly what I want to say, that's probably why it takes me so long to write just one. :)
I think your song is just that, I really understand what you're wanting to say and it's great, especially for a first go.
Happy writing, Gwynne.
Thanx for your comments :D
Pity I can't record anything where I am right now, otherwise I would've had a go at it with my guitar... Maybe for some other time!
Actually, I did record something, just for the fun of it! Don't have guitar or anything here with me onfortunately...
Proves that some lines don't fit in too well... Also becomes boring because of the repetition, do you guys think that can be overcome with some guitar picking?
Thanx for any comments :)
And, if anyone recognises my voice... I've posted a few songs on here before, but I didn't have time back then to continue... So now I'm back with another name ;) With hopefully enough time!
