Skip to content
SSG - Week 45 - Rob
 
Notifications
Clear all

SSG - Week 45 - Rob

3 Posts
3 Users
0 Reactions
1,494 Views
 Rob
(@rob)
Trusted Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 53
Topic starter  

just when u thought i was gone for good...

i'm a little rusty but here goes:

Drowning on Dreams

So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'
So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'

This pool's a second home
There's no rejection
When you're all alone
And there's no reflection
With your eyes tightly closed

So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'
So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'

But there's no spring here
It's just filled by tears
And the waters rising
It's silver surface
Washing off despair

So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'
So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'

Waiting for my Lady
And Excalibur
A hopeless fiction
The only courage
In my condition

So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'
So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'

I take what I need from the pool
The silver water's sweet and cool
A painkiller that numbs the brain

The pool takes what it wants form me
It feeds on my memories
A slow killer, a constant drain
           
................But it's all the same

So here I am again

So here I am again

So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'

© Robert Ozanne, 2003

any comments/criticisms much appreciated

rob


   
Quote
(@fisheromen1031)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 6
 

pretty good use of imagery.  reminded me of Gollum in the Hobit.  i liked the Authurian allusion.  
you might want to revise your chorus to use some imagery there; it would keep the mental picture flowing instead of breaking it up.  like maybe:
So here I am again
Crawling back into hidin'
So here I am once more
Sittin' on that same old shore

or too, since you're calling it "Drowning on dreams", you might try to weave something about dreaming into the verses.  ya know, be more explicit instead of making me assume from the title about what's going on in the song.

just some suggestions

in Him,
doug


   
ReplyQuote
(@nicktorres)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 5381
 

Hi Rob,

Overall I'd say a pretty good job.  Good imagery and you kept it pretty concise.

I think you could do better by matching your tenses.  Like:  the pool is filling with tears

The logic of the song seems to meander a bit, it doesn't seem to have the same imagery at the beginning so it's a little confusing when it comes in.

The only other thing is crawling and pool don't seem to match to me.  For example slithering, sliding, treading water give me a pool image.


   
ReplyQuote