This was really difficult! I spent forever trying to come up with some wordplay. In the end, I could only change a familiar phrase slightly. And I've only got it in the title and chorus. But here it is so far.
Instead of "Home is where the heart is" I've used "Home is where the hurt is."
Home Is Where the Hurt is
Verse 1
The house was empty when I got home
And silence filled the rooms
I sat down in the kitchen
All alone at our table for two
Verse 2
Four blank walls stared back at me
While I thought about our love
I thought I'd given you all I had
But I guess that wasn't enough
(chorus)
Home is Where the Hurt Is
‘Cause I'm alone without you by my side
Home is Where the Hurt Is
My loneliness is something I can't hide
Verse 3
I put the TV on to make some noise
Cooked a frozen meal for one
I tried to occupy my mind
But it just couldn't be done
Verse 4
I hear every creak and moan
In the floorboards of this place
When I close my eyes to forget you
I can only see your face.
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison
Super Gina. Really flows well and has good theme.
Wow! Thanks! I'm still working on it, though! :)
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison
Wonderful work Gina.
My loneliness is something I can't hide I think "something" is excess wording, and seems to me to add an extra syllable to the line. Maybe drop the "is something" and make it "I just can't hide".
Though your song is great as is, I'll offer a couple things to think about while writing other great future songs:
"I put the TV on to make some noise" This is a statement of fact. By rewording it slightly to "I put the TV on just to hear the noise" it goes from being only a statement of fact, to emphasizing the loneliness within the character.
"Four blank walls stared back at me
While I thought about our love" again, is a statement of fact. Some life could be added by saying "Four blank walls stared back at me when I thought about your eyes". This would throw your rhyming pattern out of kilter, but that could be fixed.
And finally:
"I sat down in the kitchen
All alone at our table for two" You could emphasize the character's loneliness by changing it to "I sat down with my memories, All alone at our table for two".
The above suggestions would just add some more connections to the listeners' emotions, which are necessary to turn a very good song into an excellent song, IMHO.
Keep up the great writing.
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
Thanks for the input..it all makes sense to me! You're right, just by tweaking the lines a little it's a lot better. This was only the first draft anyway, I didn't consider this a finished song. I just like to post my ideas before the next assignment comes along!
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison
G'day....im a huge John Butler fan so i wonder if it has the same atmosphere as Home IS Where The Heart is.....anyway
to me it reads more like a story/poem rather then a song, but if you put music with it i rekon it could work....keep up the good work
cheers
It's meant to be a country song (though I haven't put music to it yet), I have no idea who John Butler is, sorry!
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison
