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SSG Week 51 - To the girl next door [EDIT]

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Musi
 Musi
(@musi)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

This is my first time posting in the Sunday Songwriters Group so i made a small note to the girl next door. I know it's simple and it dosen't quite read like a letter. But since it is my first time i hope you guys will cut me some slack.

To the girl next door

[V1]
Remember when we used to play
with dolls we made of clay
in the backyard of our dreams
not aware of adult fears

[Chorus]
You were my best friend
now you are the beauty queen.
You don't want to be seen.
With a loser guy like me.

[V2]
Remember the bold step
of sitting together on the bus
I was so proud of my new best friend
that i didn't hear them laugh.
i never knew why you made such a fuzz.

[Chorus]
You were my best friend
now you are the beauty queen.
You don't want to be seen.
With a loser guy like me.

[V3]
For senior prom i never worried
I knew i would take you
Without i doubt in my mind
I walked up to you and said "Hi"
You just laughed and walked away

[Bridge]
The rest you should know
but you never heard my side of things.
When did you become too good for me
when did you become a bitch.

Enter the madness http://www.maggib.tk


   
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nroberts
(@nroberts)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 305
 

Very nice start. Why don't you finish? I can see one direction that should be pretty easy is that you continue with the rest of the verses showing how they grew apart. This will support your chorus more.


   
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Spadge
(@spadge)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 89
 

How about a verse with a general, at school she fell in with the cool group and was laughed at for calling you a friend, so she had to choose to either to stay popular or stay loyal to a friend.

Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time


   
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scratchmonkey
(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 603
 

Musi,

Thanks for posting this. As has already been mentioned, you have a terrific start here. I'm a real sucker for these kinds of songs. A couple more verses would round it out nicely. I think Spadge's suggestions are right on.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

yeah, I think Spadge called this one, I agree with him......you need a couple more verses, maybe a bridge.....so get it finished and re-submit, I'd be interested to see how this turns out......

:) :) :)

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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Tokai 12 String
(@tokai-12-string)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 122
 

As everyone has said this is a good start
The only thing I want to change so far is the word "loser"...or tell us why you're a loser in her eyes.
Why aren't you best friends anymore?(as suggested by nroberts and Spadge)
Did you change? Did she change? if so tell us how or why.

Just some thoughts to maybe build on.

Just my opinion

Tokai 12 String

Don't you ever give up on yourself

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=358286


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Musi,

Not to be reduntant but this is a nice start. Seeing as the verse starts with childhood maybe you could work through the ages. Childhood, adolesents, college, adulthood, middleage old age. Maybe not all of them but enough to give the idea of time passing.
Good Work!
Hope to see more.

Celt

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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sunsetN!nja
(@sunsetncnja)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 40
 

Like everyone else, I like the direction it's headed. You could also have the chorus slightly modified each time it comes up to match the way the verse changes. Like by keeping the "You were my...", "Now you're..." and replacing the ends of the sentences with other things that she was and ended up becoming as time passed.


   
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Musi
 Musi
(@musi)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 39
Topic starter  

Thanks you guys for great tips, and sunsetN!nja i really liked your idea!!!

Enter the madness http://www.maggib.tk


   
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